The Dutch Files

Sooo now that I have taken care of Fab and Turnbaby having matching wooden shoes, I need to move on with the masterplan. Of course they need to use the wooden shoes. STFU! Use them for what they are meant for, not the steamy clog sex they have wearing them in the Bliss Manor bedroom every Sundaymorning! Gah! Oh, was that TMI? I’m sorry, I apologize for any unwanted mental images…

Wooden shoes are meant for CLOGDANCING! And yes, when I give a gift I DO provide “after care” when needed. So here goes. The instructions. Pay attention my dear Fab and Turnbaby. Practise, practise, practise. Then make a video of the 2 of you clogdancing and hand it over to me to post it!!! (everybody say “YEAH”)

Clog dancing

Step 1
Stand flat footed in a circle or square. Clogging can be done with a partner or by yourself.
Step 2
Take one step to the side with your right foot.
Step 3
Do a ball change with your left foot, transferring your weight from right to left to right and lifting your right foot off the ground in the process.
Step 4
Kick out with your left foot brushing forward and back.
Step 5
Bring your left foot back and do a ball change and brush. Brush with your right foot.
Step 6
Repeat this process until you are doing step, ball, change, brush, brush in rhythm to the music and with alternating feet. Stay in one place and clog until you get the rhythm and master the changing of your feet.
Step 7
Move forward, and then to the right and to the left with the rest of your circle or square. This can also be done in a large line around a room

So there ya go… I can’t wait for the brandnew upcoming video, soon on a blog near you, “Fab and Turn go clogging”. Can you? I know! Right?

Clog Out!

* * *

If you have a minute to spare, please go over HERE and give Mah Girl some moral support. She could do with some. Life is not exactly a breeze for her right now.

SHIT! I SUCK! Again I didn’t make it in the actual month! I have had the pic ready for over a week now, and still I don’t manage to post it in the effing month that it should be in. I know what! Let’s just “act” like June has 31 days, ok? OK, here goes.

Welcome on this glorious Wednesday June 31! So happy to see you all gather together on my blog for the June issue of “Project Bulbfield“. Gather ’round to see it!

[CLICK TO ENLARGE]

What was left of the tulips has now dried up and died. As you can see by the boxes, the farmer is now getting ready to dig up the bulbs and bring them in to have them peeled by all the lovely student summer workers and put them away to plant again in September or October, depending on the weather.

I think we now only have 3 more issues of “Project Bulbfield” to go, July, August and September, and then we’re done. Let’s see if I can get the last 3 in on time, shall we? Then again, don’t hold yer breaths… please… Cos I suck!

Whut? You don’t know about this abbreviation? So you know what OMFG means? And what LOL and ROFLOL mean? And WTH mean… and MILF… but you don’t know what STMMWTPMEOATO means… Sigh.. figures…

Stuff That Makes Me Want To Poke My Eyes Out At The Office

There you go. And this post is just part 1 in the series! So let me tell you the kind of stuff in my job that makes me want to seriously stab a pen into my eyes at times… This one is about booking flights. Especially if The Chief is involved. Even worse if The Chief is involved ánd some of the other faculty and they have to travel somewhere together… Lemme, paint you a picture. In September of this year The Chief and 2 other faculty need to fly to the city of Belo Horizonte in Brazil. Now, it’s not really easy to get to Belo Horizonte from Dutchyland. It takes at least one transfer either in Europe or in South America and if you are really lucky it can even take 3 transfers…

Working together with one of the organizers from Brazil I actually found them a flight from Amsterdam to Lisbon and then straight from Lisbon to Belo Horizonte with the Portuguese national carrier TAP. Thát, my dah’lins is awesome, even if I say so myself. Easy peasy you would say. Na Ah… Not with MY boss… I informed him about the flights that go once every day. There is a 2nd -earlier- flight but that only goes October to April. There are no similar alternatives. Only flights with 3 or more transfers that in the end won’t get them to Belo Horizonte any earlier in the day or any faster, obviously. I informed all 3 faculty about that.

• The Chief: “That earlier flight, why doesn’t that go in September?” * Well, I don’t know… Want me to call the Chief Executive of TAP to ask WTF they can’t change the schedule for you?
• The Chief: “I want this flight with only 1 transfer, just at an earlier arrival time” * Umm… well… Again… see above…
• The Chief: “So, is there any other flights like this?” * Ummm no… I told you there weren’t
• The Chief: “Are you sure?” * Ummm yes
• The Chief: “OK, well ask the other 2 what they want and I’ll decide when you know”

Both other faculty go through the same run of questions with me as The Chief. I am starting to wonder where I left my Licence to Kill while I again answer the questions “No, there is no earlier flight in September”, “Yes, I am sure”, “No, all the other flights have more transfers than this one and basically mean same time arrival, longer travel”, “Yes, I am sure that there will be pick up at the airport even though you are all arriving late at night”

• Other Faculty 1: “Hmmm I either want to leave Saturday or Sunday. The other’s can decide. I’ll do whatever they do”
• Other Faculty 2: “Have the others decided yet, cos I really don’t mind either way”

At this point I am pulling out my hair. NOBODY can make a fucking decision. EVERYONE is asking me stuff I have already researched and reported on. EVERYONE is sending me off to the others to make a decision.

SOMEONE FUCKING DECIDE!!!

I left them to stir on it over the weekend and Sunday evening sent them an email saying that we need to decide on Monday if I want to get all three of them on the same flight, so can we please get together and decide.

• Email Other Faculty 1: “I want to fly on Saturday. I don’t want to arrive late Sundaynight, having to start the teaching early Sundaymorning” [Finally someone making a well mauled over decision]
• Reply The Chief: “Sounds like a good idea. I think I will join you flying in on Saturday. So there Saturday, back on Wednesday it is?!”

Thank God. I now have the most difficult of the 3 on the same track. Things are looking up. Four hours go by without any reply from Other Faculty 2. I try to find her at her office. I try to call her beeper. Nothing. An hour before office hours end there’s an email from her.

• Reply Other Faculty 2: “I want to leave on Sunday. I want to be home for a girlfriend’s birthdayparty on Saturday and leave after that”

By this time I am already reaching into my desk drawer for a pencil, pen, or any other kind of sharp object… As I know what will happen now. This is not going to be a case of 2 people taking the Saturday flight and 1 taking the Sunday flight. This is AGAIN going to fuck the other 2’s plans up!

• Reply DutchBitch: “So I book The Chief and Other Faculty 1 on the  Saturday flight and Other Faculty 2 on the Sunday flight, right?” [I am asking something I know the answer to already, and it's not going to be pretty]
• Reply Other Faculty 1: “Maybe we should all go on Sunday. Is there another flight on Sunday that will get us there earlier?”
• Reply The Chief: “I don’t want to arrive that late on Sunday, but I also don’t want to have to depart on Saturday either. Is there really no other way?”

NO! WITH THE RESTRICTIONS YOU HAVE PUT ON ARRIVING TIME AND DEPARTING DATE THERE IS NO OTHER WAY!

THERE IS NOT AN EARLIER FLIGHT ON SUNDAY OR A LATER FLIGHT ON SATURDAY OR A DIRECT FLIGHT THAT WILL GET YOU THERE. THAT WAS THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT THAT MADE IT SO HARD FOR YOU ALL TO FUCKING DECIDE IN THE FIRST PLACE!

NOTHING HAS CHANGED FROM LAST WEEK: THIS IS THE BEST FLIGHT SCHEDULE, SATURDAY OR SUNDAY IS THE CHOICE THAT NEEDS TO BE MADE.

THINGS ARE NOT MAGICALLY GOING TO BE DIFFERENT BECAUSE YOU DON’T LIKE THE OPTIONS!!!

IT’S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE! MAKE A DECISION ALREADY!

Sigh… and you KNOW who they will be bitching at when I finally get them to decide and it turns out that the flight has filled up in the mean time and I can’t possibly book them on the same flight all together anymore, right? Yeah, that would be me.

Now excuse me, I have some eye poking to do…

UPDATE:

Yeah, I am SO glad I am home as I was now ready to stab  THEM (them ones mentioned above). They are NOW asking me to find out about the possibility of travelling to Belo by train or bus from Sao Paulo or Rio… Cos obviously that is what you want to do, instead of having a 4 hour layover. You WANT to get your luggage, haul it out of the airport into a stinking hot cab, be in an endless traffic jam all sweaty in a non A/C’d cab, driving to the train or busstation, possibly get mugged when you get out with your luggage and your obviously touristic ass, get a train ticket from a servicedesk where they only speak Brazilian probably and then haul your ass into a stuffed train or bus for several hours… Cos that makes sense… And they will regret it and you KNOW who they will be nagging at upon return…

Yeah… umm… I think I’ll pass on the whole Dutch Gangsta thing…
Ya know… for now…

I went to visit my friend A. yesterday. She’s in the process of getting a divorce and attempting to sell their expensive farm house in these ridiculously insecure times. Tension at home, where they were still both staying with their respective kids from former marriages, was rising and she decided to rent a trailer at a nearby campsite and take a break from it all and live from there for about 3 weeks… Last time I saw her we didn’t part on the best of terms somehow. There was no argument or anything said really, but I guess we were both not in the best of ways and it caused some friction. However, when I learned that she was camping out with her kids to get some stress relief, I decided to get over it and call her and the very next day, yesterday, I was off to see her, to give her some moral support, because that’s what friends are for.

Of course, as soon as I arrived things were as they had always been between us (remind me that I someday múst tell you the very special story about how we met). Her kid’s went off with their grandparents for a bit and we talked and she had a lot of venting to do. Even though she only moved out for about 3 weeks to give both of them a break, “He” is now refusing to let her back into THEIR house. Threatening to change the locks, threatening to bowl over the divorce deal that is almost ready for signing if she comes back. And the nás-tiest emails and messages. It’s always sad to see people that you love at eachother’s throat. So we talked, and talked, and talked. And it was good to talk. And to see her get her emotions out. When I was looking at the lines in her face I could just cry…

When the kids got back I borrowed one of her bikini’s and we took the kids to the campsite pool. And after that we went back to the trailer to sit down with a drink. Her boy played the heck out of the games on my iTouch while sitting on my lap, nagging me to come back in a few weeks wíth The Kid (which I will do), and then my pyro chick of a girlfriend very happily started up the tiny BBQ that comes with the trailer.

OMFG! I think we almost set fire to the whole fucking campsite. I guess that fire gave an outlet to some of her emotions too (and again when she put the sausages on the BBQ and was poking them with a fork fairly harshly, heh)…

Oh and then she did THIS and I spent some time picking all of those buggers up… sigh… (and note: by the time I took the pic I had already picked half of them up!)

After dinner we briefly talked about some of the stuff in my life lately and then I left at 11 p.m. After a 2 hour drive I was back home. I am still exhausted, but it was good. Her problems are not over by a long shot but I am glad I got a chance to be there for her. I’ll be returning within a few weeks, this time bringing The Kid, so they can play together. I’ve also offered her to stay at my appartment when I am off on vacation in August. She used to live here in town, so that would be a good way to be around people she knows and away from the stress for a bit. She’s thinking about it. I hope she’ll accept.

There, so much for a feel good Saturday. Good friends are golden, that much I know! Yes, I cherish my friendships.