The Dutch Files

On another one of my loooonely singles nights * snort * I was flipping the channels. Dutch TV is filled with all kinds of shopping channels, like I am sure is true for most of your TV channels as well…

One of them was featuring something that totally made me gag. It was selling “Ellezza”. It supposedly is a “revolutionary facial skincream which heals, feeds, moisturizes and protects the skin against aging” and was manufactured based upon “many years of research and the global progress in the science of skincare”. It has snail slime extract in there… Yeah, I DID justs say that… You heard it right: SNAIL SLIME EXTRACT!!!

O . M . F . G . !!!

Apparently snales have the ability to regenerate themselves when wounded. The secret of the snale’s regenerating ability is the substance allantoine. A snale produces this substance by itself and scientist have succeeded in distilling this from substance and added it to this revolutionary new facial skincream…

Eeewwww!!! Double Eeeewwww!!! Triple Eeeeewwww!!!

There is NO WAY I am putting anything with any snale slime, snale extract, snale muck or whatever snale related substances or snale parts on my delicate face!!! Isn’t it bad enough they are performing sexual acts on my coffee table when I am out? Shiiittt!!!

So… they say it takes between 15-20 muscles to smile or laugh…

I attempted watching an episode of “Two And A Half Men” the other night, on Dutch TV

(Yes, STFU! I know! Dutch TV is millions of lightyears behind on all of you guys, so this is a fairly “new” sitcom to us)

So I was watching it… I sat thru the whole episode…

And honestly… I am pretty damn sure none of those 15-20 muscles even twitched…

Is it me or does that sitcom really suck ass?

UPDATE:
Should I be at all worried there’s a van parked outside with “Charlie Sheen HitSquad” printed on the sides?

barb (bärb) pronunciation
n.

1. A sharp point projecting in reverse direction to the main point of a weapon or tool, as on an arrow or fishhook.

2. A cutting remark.

3. Zoology. One of the parallel filaments projecting from the main shaft of a feather.

4. Botany. A short, sharply hooked bristle or hairlike projection.

5. Any of various Old World freshwater fishes of the genus Barbus or Puntius and related genera.

6. A linen covering for a woman’s head, throat, and chin worn in medieval times.

7. A horse of a breed introduced by the Moors into Spain from northern Africa that resembles the Arabians and is known for its speed and endurance.

8. One of a breed of domestic pigeons that is similar to the carrier and has dark plumage.

Oh STFU! That dictionary sucks ass!!! Pfffttttttttt…
Obviously: Barb = A great Blogger from Chicago

Yes, I´m sure you´ve noticed that Barb from Bloggo Chicago has taken posession of the tenant quarters… well, for the week, that is. Some of ya might have already seen her around for a while, commenting her ass off at my blog. So chosing her to be my new tenant wasn’t that hard. Please click the thumbnail in the sidebar, visit Barb and go see her skyline of Chicago.

Chicago, by the way, being the one and only place in the US I have e-ver been to… I know, I know, I know… I should get out more… So STFU and start sending me those frequent flyer miles and/or free planetickets, already! You can do it! You cán surf Bloggo Chicago ánd fill in the internet booking form at the same time. Just use tabbed browsing at Firefox. Pffffttt, no problem!

And I don’t have to remind you to get your asses back over here when you’re done at Barbs blog, right? ‘Coz if you don’t I won’t hold back… I’ll be throwing 1. at you, accompanied by 2., while whipping your asses with 3. and having 8. shit all over your cars! Just saying….

Once again thanks the other bidders: Bold Contemplations, Clusterfook, Dan Nowak, Haunted House Dressing, Pictures from My World, Say No to Crack, Soapbox Jury, StevBlogs.com, This and That, and BronxBloggers.

Can somebody please explain to The Kid that:

- Yes, I AM the Mom from Hell and that is because that’s what being a Mom is all about…

- We are supposed to be like that… to make sure they do not become Kids from Hell…

- He is not the only one to have a Mom from Hell, we all have one

- I am supposed to make his life a bitch…

- I am supposed to not let him do anything he wants to do…

- I am supposed to not let him have anything he wants to have…

- I am supposed to cuddle him in front of his classmates and/or friends…

- I am supposed to act like a moron in public… I am obligated to do so by law…

- He is still supposed to give me great gifts for my birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas and such… If he doesn’t, things will only get tougher…

- He should be happy I have not yet taken him out of school and have him work his butt off in a some sweatshop, as most other Moms from Hell usually do…

- Yes, I am loving every bitching minute of it!

I just can’t seem to get this message thru to him… He keeps thinking that a Mom should be all fun and cuddly and supportive… Ugh…