The Dutch Files

Conversation between me and some (male) friends over drinks. Single Friend whom I’ve been with for a short while, right after my divorce, over 4 years ago -which didn’t work out- and Married Friend who is obviously the married kind (and I have no desire to be with him, even if he wasn’t married, for that matter)…

Single friend: “I can’t believe the divorce has almost been 5 years and you are still single…”
Married friend: Yeah, I’ll say…”
DutchBitch: “Well, things are the way they are. No sense in dwelling on it“
SF: “I still can’t believe it. You know I would have loved to have you”
DB: “I know Babe, but you do remember that it totally didn’t work for us, don’t you?“
SF: “It didn’t?”
DB: “It didn’t“
MF: “Still stupid. You are such a great woman. I’d have you any day”
DB: “Thanks Hon, but I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t work either. Besides: you’re married“
MF: “Pfffftt… Minor detail”
SF: “Hey, wouldn’t she be great together with your friend X?”
MF: “Yeah, she would. I’ve always thought she would”
DB: “Ehm… excuse me? Who is your friend X. Have I ever met him?“
MF: “No, you haven’t ever met him, I think. He’s a really nice guy, you’d be perfect for eachother. BTW: yoúr friend Y would be a great one for her as well!”
SF: “Yeah, he would be”
DB: “I am sorry to get in the middle of this… again… but… ehm… have I ever met your friend Y?“
SF: “Ehm… nope… but MF is right, you’d fit really well together. It did cross my mind before”
DB: “Ehm… Mr X and Mr Y both single?“
SF: “Oh yeah, for years now”
MF: “About as long as you have actually”
DB: “So ehm… WTF! Why have we never been introduced?“
SF ánd MF: “Are you kidding me? I can’t stand the though of you being with him!!! If I can’t have you, then sod it…”
DB: *blank stare*

OMFG… these are the “real” kinda friends… They’ve got my back, alright. You gotta love the stupid bastards, right? Ahem…

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Anybody need a new life? Anybody feel like becoming a hot 24 year old surfer guy? Apparently Nicael Holt, from Australia, offered to sell his life to the highest bidder on EBay…

Gaining ownership of his life contains his name, phonenumber, all his possessions (including the nice lamp his ex-girlfriend bought him), his skills (including surfing, handstand skills, and devil stick twirling), introduction to his friends and potential lovers, and his very social lifestyle which includes lots of going out, access to cruisy job in delivering fruit, birthday party and new parents.

He also offered a 4 week training course including many anecdotes and stories from his past 24 year life, having your hair cut like him, piercings, and… hold on to your seats: 6 jokes!

To top it all off he also offers 2 months of on-call support… and his IOU’s from friends owing him $20, a six-pack of beer, etc…

After training his successor in the ways of Nicael, Holt plans to travel the world without spending any money.

You should really check out the E-Bay page, and his personal page www.nicael.com, as it is hilarious! Imagine what you could do… what your life could be like if you had won the bidding… *drifting off in fantasy*

Finally, it has arrived… the moment in my life I for once wish I had a dick… and had been in the position of taking over this guys life… Somehow living in Wollongong sounds pretty exciting… Crap!

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I am no good with knives… In fact, though I am addicted to cooking (which at some point usually doés involve knives) I am horrific with knives… even if I say so myself…

When I was still married to The Ex he would take away all knives from me as he had learned a lot from having to grab the first aid kit numerous times in the first few years we were dating… I mean: cutting open a bread roll would usually, aside from the bun, involve the careful sliding open of the skin of my handpalm…

When without a place to live after my divorce, I was staying in the appartment of a girlfriend for a while. I actually had to call her at her boyfriend’s appartment to point me towards her first aid kit, as over breakfast I had managed to not only slice off a piece of cheese, but also the top of my thumb nuckle with the cheese slicer…

Years ago I was on date 3 or 4 with this really nice guy and we were cooking at his place. I was cutting an onion and in the process I cut some pieces of my fingernail… oh, and the tip of my finger in all… We never really hit it off after that…

* thump *

Did I ever mention that I usually faint over stories like these…?

Did I ever mention that I pretty much ALWAYS faint when shit like this happens to ME…? Not a good thing for my DutchBitch image, right?

Thank God the knives at the medical center personnel restaurant, where I cut open a breadroll fairly every day at lunch, are not sharp at all (as there is no worse place to get wounded than a medical center, but that is a whole different story all together)…

Something tells me camping, survival and tracking are not really my thing either… and never, I repeat, NEVER have me come over and give me an axe to cut you some firewood… I can’t even begin to add up the consequences that will have…

DutchBitch and Knives… we don’t mix…

I guess I’ll strike that Swiss Pocket Knife from my birthday wishlist… and ehm… Fab? We might wanna discuss the “cutting the weddingcake” part of our wedding ahead of time…

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