The Dutch Files

My notebook of 3 years old is acting up… It’s been re-installed twice already and I’ve had the Hell Dell mechanic over 3 times already as well… It was paid for by my department, courtesy of my boss, as I do a lot of extra work from home… One time only offer at the time…

The Boss walked by the 3rd time that the mechanic was over here and overheard me talking to our medical center “notebook guy” considering another re-install… He walked on… An hour later he came back from his meeting and stopped at my desk…

Boss: “What’s going on with your notebook?”
DutchBitch: “Oh My Gawd!!! I wish I knew. *sigh* They’ve re-installed the bugger twice now and Hell Tech Service has been over here 3 times. It’s slow, it keeps shutting down on me and battery is only working for about 45 minutes at a time now too. It’s driving me nuts”
Boss: “So how old is it now?”
DutchBitch: “Ehm… It’s nearly 3 years old now. Warranty is running out in September actually”
Boss: “So why don’t you just get a new one?”
DutchBitch: “Are you kidding me? “JUST get a new one?” I can hardly afford buying groceries at the end of the month. What makes you think I can afford buying a notebook? This one was paid for by the department at the time, remember?”
Boss: “Well, I don’t mean buy it yourself. *rolling eyes* (men do that too?) Just find one that suffices. Get one with a decent processor, plenty of GB, Wireless LAN instead of that WLAN card you have to jam into the notebook now to get wireless internet service, and get one with a decent battery and that isn’t monstertruck-weight like the one you have now. Let me know and we’ll see whether its affordable for the department”
DutchBitch: *blank stare*
Boss: “And stop looking at me like that! *rolling eyes again* *smirk* I know that you mainly use it for work purposes anyway and I realize and appreciate that you work very hard and are great at your job. So I am fine with supplying you with a new notebook. I am also fine with you using it for personal purposes, as well. Just go look at some possible notebooks. Check out Sony VAIO. I’ve been using one for a year now and it’s great”

OMG! He’s done it now! I am t.o.t.a.l.l.y in LUV with a tiny tiny tiny (11″ screen) Sony VAIO. It’s light, it has all the stuff I need, and it has a battery that lasts up to 8 hours. It also comes with the “appropriate” price tag… I don’t think he knew what he was saying when he told me to check out the Sony VAIO’s… I am vigorously hoping he’ll allow me to get that one. I sent him an email stating the possible notebooks and telling him that I blamed him for making me fall in love with the Sony one. Oh well, even if I don’t get that particular one, getting a new notebook paid for by the department is great in itself… I love my boss! Oh STFU! I am not IN love with him (Gawd No!), but you gotta love that guy… at times… when he’s not acting out all “pulling my hair out-annoying”…

OMFG! I should have Sony pay me for this VAIO “plug”! Well, anyway. I am off preparing myself for some heartbreak as I think the VAIO won’t be “the one”… In the mean time don’t forget to check out my girl Lucy over there in the top right sidebar! She will be with me for a few more days. And also if you can, go over to Kat’s blog. You’ll notice she hasn’t posted for a while. She’s kinda “under the weather” right now. Hopefully she will be up and running again soon. Just be a doll and leave a comment at her last post and show her some get-well-luvin’!

I drove to the office this morning…

Later than usual because I had to take The Kid to school…

She was there… again… I was in line behind her… again…

SHE DID IT AGAIN! Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhh!!!

I did it.

I shot her.

I killed HandBag Bitch…

Do you think they’ll go for “self defense” and “favor to society” at my trial?

I mean, it was in self defense really, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it?

And I did do society a huge favor by popping her, didn’t I? Didn’t I?

Have to go pick out my new tattoo now, to be sure to ooze power and gain respect in maximum security slammer…

I’m thinking lots of guns, devils and samurai swords in there… Whaddayathink?

Or maybe like De Niro in “Cape Fear”-ish? Would that work for me?

Maybe I can become best buddies with Holleeder now…

Someone get me a first class lawyer, please?

And someone please clean up the brain and blood shit at the parking garage, that would be great too…

I wouldn’t want to be fined for littering as well…

Dear Handbag Bitch,

For 14 years I’ve been working at this medical center now and for the past 9 years we’ve had the luxury of parking facility. Of these past 9 years I can safely say that I’ve encountered you at about 8 a.m. fairly every morning we both have to report for duty at the medical center.

You are usually in the parking facility slightly earlier than I am. Because we both apparently prefer taking the far right lane to enter the parking garage, I end up right behind you fairly every day.

We get into the parking facility by use of our medical center personnel badge. It’s a normal size badge, which comes with a chord to fasten it to ones clothing as it is mandatory to wear it during office hours.

EVERY FUCKING MORNING I WAIT BEHIND YOU AT THE ENTRANCE OF THE PARKING FACILITY FOR MINUTES ON END BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO RUMMAGE THRU YOUR, UNDOUBTEDLY ALMOST EXPLODING, HANDBAG TO LOOK FOR YOUR PERSONNEL BADGE!!!

Would it be too much to ask, if you kn?w you will need it at that point in time every morning, and you kn?w you are getting stressed rummaging thru your handbag all red and flushheaded, to FUCKING PUT YOUR BADGE IN AN EASY ACCESIBLE PLACE BEFORE ARRIVAL AT THE PARKING FACILITY?

I NEVER have to look for my badge. It’s in the same place in my car every morning. Your behavior fucks me up, every time!!! If I encounter you doing this again, tomorrow, I am coming over to rip your handbag apart and shuv the badge down your throat. At least that way you will know where it is at all times.

Sincerely,
DutchBitch

I really loved the Rent My Blog scheme on Blog Explosion. I like renting out sidebar space to other bloggers, pimp out their blog and send some traffic their way. It’s a great way to find new blogs. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work on a Wordpress.com blog because it doesn’t allow javascript (and “no”, I am not nearly ready to take the plunge to Wordpress.org yet). So I’ve been doing without it for some time now, but me-no-likey. So I decided to start a similar scheme myself to pimp out other blogs. It’s in the top of my sidebar and open to really anyone who wants to be pimped out by The DutchBitch for a week. For Free! My first “victim” has already volunteered. You want to be next? Drop me a line!

So now, without further a-do, I introduce you to my first “bitch”!

Imagine a 37 year young woman, 2 kids, ex-husband… selfproclaimed geek/nerd in different ways…. with a tendency to eat people alive with a side of refried beans and spanish rice if they fuck with her (reading her blog I imagine some people have been subjected to that fate already, it’s a miracle the ex-husband still has no fork marks in his fucktard ass)… no front teeth… known to set herself on fire on occassions…

Yeah, THAT’s my girl Lucy! Spot on! She’s hot, she’s great, she’s funny and she’s a force to be reckoned with. Don’t fuck with her! She’s got a great blog “Lucy’s Dillema“. Please go over there, read some posts and give her a shout. Tell her DutchBitch sent ya! She could do with some fun, as apparently especially this past month sucked in Lucy-Casa. Then, you know the drill, come back to DutchBitch Mama!

Hiy’all! Here I am with the contest results. It was a hard hard hard judging process, but I got thru it. I had to stop every few entries as I was getting too excited from it all. So that’s why it took me a while…

In total 22 people left entries in the comments section of the contest, all together fucking me up with 114 entries in total. Yeah, thanks Sans, as you provided 69 of those 114. Sans deserves a special mention as he is the absolute king of number of contest entries! Obviously there were so many entries to choose from that I won’t need a vibrator anytime soon to get my satisfaction in it was really too hard to choose a winner, but I did. I would love to give everyone a prize, but then it wouldn’t be a contest anymore, would it?

I masturbated thought long and hard and in the end these are the results:

The Golden Vibrator - award goes to the absolute winner: buffalodickdy from Opinions and Rectums - We’ve all got one. He came up with ?The Vaginator?, a simple yet effective name that sent me to my top-climax. Especially in combination with the description of each speed available on ?The Vaginator?: The ?Vaginator? ! 4 speeds: ?Slow Poke?, ?This Pud?s For You?, ?Freight Trains? A-Comin!?, and top speed- ?I Smell Smoke!? Custom fitted- size and color appropriate. 5,000 stroke battery life, sound effects optional.

I very much like the fact that sound effects are optional and it has a 5,000 stroke battery. Every girls knows how fucked up you can get from being all hot and bothered and then running out of batteries with all the stores closed and/or your wallet empty! Buffalodickdy being such a cooking prince, he won himself the cookbook ?Dutch Delight?! A prize with an appropriate title, containing recipies for all kinds of typical Dutch dishes. Please email me your address, Hon, and the book and some other Dutch Treats will be on it?s way to you!

Obviously with 114 entries, there had to be some runners up.There was no getting ’round it!

The Silver Cock Ring - award goes to Webmiztris from Tiny Voices In My Head for her entry “The Clit Flicker“. That triggered the right spot with me for sure! Hon! You KNOW what women want (Fuck that Mel Gibson, he hasn’t got a clue!). Somehow a vibo called that would certainly work for me. As long as it isn’t shaped as something cute and colored pink, but I am sure, the entry coming from you, it wouldn’t be!

And finally The Bronze Whip - award goes to metalmom for her entry “Itsy bitsy teeny ?weenie? with yellow polka dot clit genie“. I had to grant that one a prize too, although the “teeny” part I could do without *wink wink*. But I am sure it comes in different sizes and the “genie” part will make up for that BIG time!

Both of you have won yourself the book “Sex On The Beach and Other Wild Drinks!“. Please be so kind as to email me your addresses as well, and I will make sure the book makes it’s way to you a.s.a.p. As soon as I’ve tried all drinks in there myself, obviously. So don’t go all fuzzy on me if it has some spilled cocktail spots on there, ok?

If you wanna have a look at all the entries, please go to the comments section of the contest. I assure you they are ALL worth being hooked up as the name for a new sex toy. EVERYONE thank you thank you thank you for playing! You’ve made my Blogaversary so much fun! I had a great time reading all the entries. I don’t think I’ve ever had more comments on a post than the contest one. Please keep ?m coming, I love to read all your comments and I do my utmost to reciprocate on your blogs as much as I can. Now I am off taking my perverted mind for another browse thru your contest entries doing some more holiday laundry. Have a great Sunday!