Jul 30 2007
Her only request was no lesbian porn.
Welcome to day… um… something of DutchBitch’s vacay. Today your host will be the ever fabulous Miss Britt. (That’s me)
As every blogger knows, a guest post is merely an opportunity to siphon traffic from another blogger. And, er, do something nice. Obviously my motives are mainly altruistic. Mainly.
ANYway - my post. Guest posting is always pressure packed for any writer. And, like any “writer” will tell you, when you’re in a pinch you go back to your roots. You “write what you know”.
This is what I know.
The management of pubic hair is complicated business.
Several months ago I took on the challenge of prepubescent beauty. Of course, it didn’t happen all at once. I had to peel back the years in stages, going from trim to strip to Woo Hoo I’m 12 Again! over several weeks. I did my homework and let the Internet guide me in ways of lotions and creams and shaving with hair growth. After much trial and error I finally mastered the whole process - no bumps, no bruises, no chemical burns and (most importantly), no hair.
Of course, the minute you think you’ve mastered something and start sending out “Look! I Did It!” postcards to your email list, something is bound to go awry. Pride cometh before a fall and what not.
(cue dramatic someone’s about to die music)
One evening, I decided it was finally time to show off my new found skillz to my husband. I soaked in the tub for a while and let the steam do its job while I shampooed and razored my legs, etc. etc. etc. I let the water drain and lathered up with Coochie Creme. No. Seriously. That’s what the stuff is called and it’s AMAZING (or at least it was before I lost it in an airport security check point… fuckers). I shaved all the reachables and most of the non-reachables, relishing in my skill and craftsmanship.
I then got out of the tub, toweled off, and prepared to finish the job. You see, there are some parts that are just too delicate to imagine touching with a razor blade. I am, after all, a delicate flower. For these parts I insist on using my husband’s electric beard trimmer. He has no beard and the only person I’ve seen use it in years is my little brother when he’s touching up his sideburns (and, well, that’s what he gets for invading my bathroom and making himself at home. All’s fair in love and hair removal).
This is a small, rechargeable beard trimmer. It doesn’t have the greatest battery life in the world, but when it dies out you simply plug it back into the base and it will completely recharge in about 24 hours. The main thing is, it’s bladeless so I have no fears of an accidental knick or scratch in a place where even the tiniest knick is way too fucking much for me to handle.
ANYway, I set myself to finishing up. As soon as I turned the trimmer on my instincts said this was going to be bad. Instead of the loud, electric whirring that often brings ears to the door and screams of “Mom! What ARE you doing in there?!!?” - the mini shaver emitted more of a whine. A groan, if you will, that alerted me that power was next to nothing and fading fast.
“Well, there’s not much left,” I told myself, “a quick minute and you’ll be done anyway.”
A minute. I wish. The whine slowed to a pathetic hiss as I frantically tried to rid myself of the last remaining signs of maturity.
“Hurry! Hurry! Huuuuurrr…..eeeeeee…..”
*silence*
It was dead. No amount of turning on and off was going to revive it. It had to be plugged in and let rest for a full day or so.
A full day. Not so bad. Especially since I had gotten almost everything done anyway.
Almost.
Except for one little “tuft” in one very odd spot.
Nothing says “hey baby, check out your sex pot wife and aren’t you soooo glad you ended up with this one?!” like a cowlick. On your vagina.
18 Dutch Treats so far
Your vagina has gone on more adventures during the last few years than most people will go their entire lives.
Cow-lick?
Bwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaha!
The beard trimmer henchforth will be known as the bearded clam trimmer….
hahaha… very funny
Just get WAXED, they get the job done right! Trust me on that one :)
Hahahaha, that was a good one, Buffalo. I wish I had the guts to get waxed down there. The end result is so amazing but the process is sooooooooo painful. And I’m a (pun intended) pussy.
I’m no gardener, but I do admire a neatly trimmed bush….
Avitable: I know. That’s why I call her Amelia.
Dick: I’m pretty sure that’s the proper spellng.
buffalodickdy: now I know my husband would throw a fit if I started bringing them in the kitchen.
Besides - clams need to be cracked, not opened. :?:
xadness: Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
AndiMAC: me too. I soft, wimpy, squishy, pussy who fears all pain.
buffalodickdy: Wow.
Erm… does your little brother you both share the trimmer in soooo different ways? LOL
just buck up and use the razor all over. go slowly & pay attention to the task at hand…you won’t cut or knick yourself. i find that it is only when i am in a hurry do i knick my knee or ankle so i do not hurry when i shave the important stuff.
but i prefer trim or strip…don’t understand the take it all off and look 12 again thing. don’t understand it a bit. in fact, the whole thing where guys like it smooth like a child kinda creeps me out. kinda a lot.
Cooch cream? Really?
I need some of that.
I am Queen of Irritated Skin. The only thing that doesn’t screw everything up is waxing … and THAT’S such a joy.
Not.
No Razors! You’ll knick the wizard’s sleeve and, trust me on this, it’s no picnic!!!
Was it a cowlick or more of a gotee?
I razor it. Just gotta be careful, because nothin’ says loving like a nicked up vagina.
FroggyWoogie: I choose to believe… No.
hellohahanarf: yeah, I think my problem is I have an extremist personality. Once I start something I think… well, if THIS looks good…
and before you know it *poof* you’re bald!
J.: Coochie Creme. I shit you not. It’s like conditioner. In fact, they boast on the bottle that it can be used as conditioner. But I just can’t bring myself to poor something with the name “coochie” on my head.
Farm Girl: the wizard’s sleeve?!? HA HA HA HA
Lynda: no, definitely a cowlick. It hadn’t been THAT long since the last time it’d been done! LOL
Lucy: lovin’ or “stay the fuck away from my owies! NO I don’t want you to kiss my owies!”
Darling for Pete’s sake - you DON’T have a “cowlick on your vagina” but on your - uh - vulva? You know…the outside part.
ROTFLMAO - thanks, Mom.
hmmm, I just have a bunch of Tylenol and a shot of Patron, close my eyes and think of Holland.
It’ll be over before you know it!
:)
I can tell you from experience that after some time and practise you WILL be able to touch all those spots with a razorblade. No prob!
Hey! Just to add some lesbian porn for your pleasure: I’ll do yours and you do mine? How ’bout that?