The Dutch Files

Okay, don’t you hate it when you go to a site that gets tons of comments and some douchebag has to be the one to post the first comment, and its always just that one word - FIRST. Well, in this case, guess what - I’M FIRST!!! It’s Lucy here, officially kicking off the 12 Days of Anarchy here at The Dutch Files. I get to go first because I’m speeeeshhhhuuulll (not the short bus kind, thanks). I struggled with what to post here. Knowing nothing about Dutchyland, I can’t really post about that. Similarly not knowing anything about Italy I got nada for that. So, for you lucky, loyal Dutchy readers, you are going to get to hear about the craziest woman I know. We call her Bobble.

Bobble works in my group and does the same job as I do. Well, I guess that is a stretch. She has the same job title I do (I buy shit with other peoples money) but she never does her work. We all end up doing her work for her. For some lame reason or another. In the nearly 2 years I’ve been working with her, here are a few high points of the stupid shit she has done - which never fails to throw us ALL into hysterics.

• She had her 8 year old son hand write a letter to our boss, begging “Please let my mommy work from home all summer so she can stay with me”. She didn’t have the balls to ask him herself, she had her 8 year old do it. He did not allow it.
• In the Sept/Oct time frame I broke my wrist. It was broke in a weird kind of way - non traditional break - and it didn’t require a hard cast, but just a brace. I absolutely detested wearing that stupid ass brace, but within 2 weeks of my having it (and getting a fair amount of {unwanted} attention because of it) Bobble was wearing one as well, for no real reason she could ever tell us.
• She actually said this, out loud to our boss, “You know, I just can’t look at someone’s face and think at the same time”. Seriously.
• We call her Bobble behind her back because her head bobbles like one of those bobble-headed dogs you see in cars.
• She says the word “but” like”boot” (like you hear some Canadians say it), but she is from Southern California.
• And finally, the best one. She came to the bosses desk yesterday wearing her sunglasses. Inside. Because the lights hurt her eyes too much and she just can’t take it any more.

I know the majority of this stuff because my cohort, my partner in crime, Donna sits right next to our boss. I get IM’s from Donna all day telling me all the unbelievable stuff Bobble is doing now. The woman is a white hot mess. She refuses to do her own work, her suppliers can’t stand working with her (one went so far as to call her venomous!), takes anyone and everyone to HR for something or another AND expected a promotion last year along with a ridiculously large salary increase (I heard she asked for something stupid like a $20,000 raise). When she didn’t get those things, she had my boss and HIS boss in HR complaining - which did her no good because the HR rep told her to go pound sand.

At least she is a constant source of entertainment.

So there you have it. Installment #1 of the 12 Days of Anarchy here at The Dutch Files. Buffalodicky is up next I believe! Hope you are having a fantastic vacation Dutch! :)

Look what Fab bestowed upon me! Thank you thank you thank you, Hon! Your kind words made me blush!

Mike from Ordinary Folk created this award, and this is what he says about it: Schmoozing as defined by Dictonary.com is the ability “to converse casually, especially in order to gain an advantage or make a social connection.” When it comes to blogging, schmoozing is your ticket to making new friends, getting yourself noticed and building a reputation. Some bloggers are gifted with the ability to effectively schmooze and others not so much.

Blogging certainly has brought loads of new friends to me and it is amazing how the blogging community pulls together on the highs and lows of fellow bloggers lives. I am proud to belong to the ranks of bloggers and even prouder to be considered a schmooze!

I can’t get into picking some of my fellow bloggers to pass on the award now, as I am getting ready to go on holiday (SEE POST BELOW), but I will look into it when I get back.

OK… this is my last day of posting before I am leaaaavinnnn’ on a jetplaaaannnneee… and I’m outta here… Weather in Dutchyland has been nothing but shitty in the past months, so I can’t wait to get a load of sunshine and swimming pool relaxation. I will be HERE. A campsite high up in the hills of Tuscany, 50 km from Florence, a beautiful city. I’ve been there before so I knów it will be good! The scenery is beautiful, the campsite is huge and very childproof, and the weather (cross allaya fingers now!) is usually great in July and August and well, food, Italian food.. it’s wonderful! Oh, and the wine, don’t forget the wine!

And I won’t be there on my own. Obviously The Kid is coming with me (rather than his dad spending his holiday with his girlfriend, I prefer to spend it with The Kid… Heh! I had to get that growl in somehow, sorry ’bout that…). And: I am going there with Ellen, a girlfriend of mine, and Lorenzo, her 9 year old son. The Kid and Lorenzo do great together so that should be good and Ellen and I get on like a house on fire as well, so fun all around!

I met Ellen in the summer the year after I had decided “The Ex Can Kiss My Ass, I Am Getting A Divorce”. I had left the marital premises 1.5 year before, just moved into my new appartment after being without a place to live all that time, scraped some money together and had gone on holiday with The Kid… To Lesbos of all places… and there I met Ellen, who had just before leaving on holiday made the same decision. We hit it off right away!

Two years ago we decided on going on holiday together to France with the kids (because face it, on holiday together is nicer than on your own) and this year we decided to go for it again. Tomorrow at 10.20 a.m. Dutch time our plane will take off from Amsterdam airport to land at Florence airport midday. We hope to be sitting in front of our tent at the campsite some 2 hours later… in our bikini’s… or summin’

And we’ll surely find ourselves looking at bucket loads of wives giving us the “you better stay away from mý husband-look” while we wouldn’t touch any of them with a ten foot pole. Newsflash: your husbands are nót Gods Gift To Women… And also “traffic jams” of sorry ass middle aged midlife crisis personified married men, who for some reason feel the need to drool over 2 women in one tent together (never mind the kids). And whom find it necessary to walk by our tent on their way to the toilet building, the showers, the dishwashing facilities or whatever… minding oúr business…

They did so when we were at the campsite in France 2 years ago and I am sure they will do so again this year. What is it about men and their fantasies getting the better of them when they see 2 women sharing a tent at a campsite? Never mind the circumstances or whatever… I mean: there is no touching, no kissing, no whatever going on, we are just friends.

Still, we have our methods to get rid off the really nasty ones: the one that worked best in France was lil’ ol’ me sitting in front of the tent, giving them a piercing look, while licking a Pim’s orange cookie in the most raunchy sexy way… I think we made our point that time!

Well, gotta go and clean the appartment (I like coming back to a crispy clean place), pack the suitcases, clean the rat’s cage and the fishbowl, do some last minute shopping, so I say “Ciao” to you all. Don’t have too much fun with the 12 Days of Anarchy on The Dutch Files that is coming up! Take care of my blog!

Hasta La Vista, Honey-Z! I’ll be back!!! Vacanzione in DutchBitch Casa!!!

Sheesh… what it is with kids, a boy in my case, that they are perfectly happy occupying themselves for hours on end UNTIL you start doing something for yourself and they suddenly stop with whatever they are doing to start bothering you. However, you’ll have hell to pay if you do that to them…

I have been home from the office for a few days now. I am rummaging around, pretty much just decompressing from office stress, doing some cleaning, grocery shopping, running some errands, doing some chores at the appartment. It is amazing how there always seems to be something to do, which makes me wonder how the hell I juggle all that shit when I ám working. Weather is so bad over here it’s just sick! I think we’ve exactly seen some 3 rays of sunshine and that’s it. Other than that its cloudy, rainy and kinda chilly really.

The Kid has been occupying himself in his own room mainly. He’s pretty good at that, having been an only child all his life. Besides, he’s madly intoxicated with the LEGO Star Wars Game virus right now, and playing his ass off in an effort to finish the game before we go on holiday on Thursday. In fact, the prospect of being without a PC for 12 days it not going down well with him (that’ll soon clear up as soon as he’s in warmer temperatures and sees the swimming pools and awesome wild water slides there).

Other than that, by lack of being able to play outside, he occupies his time with either the actual LEGO Star Wars stuff or Pokemon stuff… That’s about it…

So I every now and then I go in there to see whether he’s still doing ok, and IF I get an answer -which is pretty much not, especially when he’s playing the PCgame- I go back to my business of doing all my chores and shit. Peace and quiet… well at least until he hits rock bottom on the game every once in a while… That results in some growls and curses coming from his room…

When he’s quietly playing and overall content in his room there is virtually no tearing him away from there…

UNTIL

1) a girlfriend calls me on the phone

2) I start doing some of my own stuff on my own PC

3) I switch on the TV in the living room to watch a program I like

4) A txt message on my mobile comes in

5) I have to do some last work for the office

WTF!? What is that all about? It’s like I’ve rattled with some candy. It’s like he smells it! It’s like, doing all the chores and cleaning and other stuff he has the feeling that if need be I will be available for him, but as soon as he gets a whiff of me doing something for ME, he’s instantly out there… Asking me a new question every 5 seconds, calling me over to “see this”, wanting to know who is on the phone. You name it, he’s doing it!

Goddammit! It might be a Kid’s thing, but I am pretty sure it’s really a guy thing… Oblivious to the world around them until there is even the slightest sign they might not be the center of attention for a while… It’s like an internal alarm has been set off!

Fuck that! We’ll have to slap that outta there in the Tuscan hills… I might manage that in 12 days if I really work at it…

The other day I planned to go to IKEA. Yeah, STFU! I’d rather not go there, but my living room table lamp passed away and I needed a cheap replacement.. I got The Kid off to school in the morning and headed over that way, assuming that they open at 9 a.m. I was there shortly before 9… Driving past a huge sign saying “IKEA, come visit us, weekdays 10-21…

Fuck that! I am in the middle of nowhere, at the IKEA in the middle of a industrial area, no shops, no coffee shop, no restaurants. And IKEA is closed for another hour. No use in driving back home to wait it out there, as that would take too much time, and nothing else to do out here than sit in the car for an hour….

So I sat in the car, fiddling with my mobile phone, clearing out old txt messages, sending some friends some… when I suddenly noticed large numbers of people going into the main entrance of IKEA… WTF!? I looked again and for sure they were really entering IKEA… I figured that the sign must be wrong. I got out of the car and proceeded towards the IKEA main entrance….

Having arrived there it was indeed open and I could walk in…. untíl I reached the showroom which was closed off and the signs over there kindly informed me that it would not open until 10 a.m. bút the IKEA restaurant was open. Fucking great marketing trick!!! I must give ‘m that. So, without any other options, I followed all the other suckers into the restaurant so I could at least have a decent cup of coffee.

OMFG! The restaurant was loaded! There were huge lines at the cashregister and people were fighting eachother, elbowing and tripping eachother were not shun in the process, for the croissants, the tiny breakfast buns, the eggs, the sausages and the bacon. The smell coming from there made me wanna poke my eyes out and throw ‘m at the IKEA “cooks”! I can’t stomach anything remotely consistent before 11 a.m. at all. Coffee is about the only thing I can stand before that time, so my stomach turned at the smell of the fatty raunchy sausages and bacon. Oh well, to each his/her own, I guess…

And then it happened, I suddenly noticed, when standing in line at the cash register… THEY ALL KNOW EACHOTHER!!! The “Hey, great to see you again!” and the “Howyadoin‘” were passed ’round… They all go there every week by the sound of it. I even heard someone ask another person “Hey, didn’t see you ’round last week, were you ill or summin’?“.

I mean: W.T.F!!!!???

Then I proceeded thru check out, towards a table and sat down, only to be stared at by some stupid guy for the next 30 seconds. When I asked him what was going on he told me I was sitting at “his” table! *crickets* Ehm… HIS table? OK… well, fuck that. I didn’t see a “reserved for stupid guy” sign with his picture on it at the table, so today it was mine… And everyone who has even the slightest number of brain cells knows not to fuck with The DutchBitch, e.s.p.e.c.i.a.l.l.y when she hasn’t had her morning coffee yet… I let it slide, gave him the “DutchBitch Says Fuck Off” look and started sipping my coffee.

The restaurant was infested with ‘m… bladibladibla here, yadayadayada over there, saying hello, kissing on cheek, shaking hands, catching up, yadayadayada hip surgery, bladibladibla corns, yadayada podiatrist, bladibla senior citizen discount… It was driving me nuts. But then when, after overhearing the kazillionth hipsurgery ordeal, I overheard a couple say goodbye to another couple and actually informing them they wouldn’t be around for a few weeks because they were going on holiday, that was it!!! I ran! I didn’t even finish my coffee. God knows what’s in that shit?!

Holy Shit! It’s a fucking cult! And anyone who doesn’t belong there should stay away from there, or when he/she got in there by mistake: get the hell out!!! Who the fuck wants to have breakfast at IKEA every week? Goddammit, there might even be people amongst them who go there every day! They all know eachother and keep tabs on eachother… It’s like walking into the bingo fest at “Shady Pines”…

Fucking Hell! What is the world coming to? That guy trying to blow up some of the IKEA stores in Dutchyland some years ago might have had the right idea afterall…