Aug 01
Dutch
Hi, I’m Avitable. When DB asked me to do a guest post for her, I thought that I should learn something about where she lives. And, of course, as a fat, dumb, obnoxious American, I don’t know anything about Dutchland. Is that the place with the chocolate and Ricola, or the one where people eat cheese, smoke, and wear black? Anyways, I tried to find it on a map, but there’s nothing called Dutchland anywhere that I can tell. So, in a flash of inspiration, I decided to ask my old college buddy, Dutch Haverfield III. I figured he’d probably know something about being Dutch.
“Dutch? It’s Avitable.”
“Aviiiittttaaabbbllllee!!! You fucker! I’m having a party - you should come! Lots of beer and tits. Do you like tits or have you finally decided just to like cock now?” I neglected to mention that even though he’s an attorney for a respectable law firm now, Dutch still maintains that lovable fraternity brother mentality.
“Dutch, I live in Florida, remember? You’re in California, now. I can’t really make it to your party.”
“Fucker! Why you gotta ruin everything with your fuckerness, dude? Fuckin’ Florida.”
“Listen, Dutch. I just had a few questions for you if you have a second.”
“Sure, Avitable. Anything for you, man. I mean, if you hadn’t sucked that snake venom out of my left nut during hell week, I would have been dead! I owe you my life. FUCK YEAH TAKE IT ALL OFF BABY! GIVE ME ANOTHER SHOT!”
“Well, I’m transcribing this, so I really wish you hadn’t mentioned that, but no problem. I’m glad your life was worth putting my mouth on your sweaty, dirty, ball sack.”
“Yup. WOOO! I just snorted a line of cocaine off this girl’s shaved cooch! WOOOO! I feel so alive and awesome!”
“Well, Dutch, I wanted to ask you about being Dutch. Is there anything interesting or different about that than being American?”
“Dude, go W! I voted for the monkey-eared fucker twice, and I’d do it again. Everybody says that he’s making mistakes and a screwup, but you know what? Jesus fucked up, too! He knocked up that Mary Magazine chick.”
“I think you mean Mary Magdalene, and maybe you shouldn’t get your Bible knowledge from the Da Vinci Code. But what does that have to do with being Dutch?”
“Being Dutch is all about being awesome! WOOO! And doing shots of Goldschlager with hot twins with fake tits! WOOO!”
“Ok, Dutch. Calm down a second. Do you have any specific traditions that you practice as part of being Dutch?”
“Well, Avitable, as you know, every Tuesday I go down to the Bulging Labia and get my usual table. My dancers, Honey and Ginger, do their thing, and sometimes I take them in the back for special Dutchy time! And usually on Sundays I take a shit from 11 AM until 1 PM and read the entire LA Times. WOO! BLARGH!”
“Blargh?”
“BLARGH..WOOOO..BLARAARARGH.. WOOO..BLAARAGAGAGHAEA..WOO..BLAraghghg…”
“Dutch?”
…
“Dutch?”
…
“DUTCH?”
“Hi.” A female voice came on the line.
“Hi, what happened to Dutch?”
“Umm, we’re not sure. We think he accidentally swallowed a shot glass. They tried doing CPR, but we think the shot glass broke inside of him. I think he might be dead.”
At this point, I thought it would be prudent to hang up and consider all that I had learned about being Dutch. And now I’m more confused than ever . . .
I think I am too, but that might not be to hard to do. I’m blonde, go figure.
Bravo!
For your next post, I think you should explain what you have learned from me about being a Brit.
I’m pretty sure that would make him The Dutch Bastard??
You even make your friends call you AVITABLE?
Damn, harsh, dude. Harsh.
You know you’re having a good time when people are saying “wooo.”
He sounds cool. Maybe I’ll be HIS friend.
Beer AND tits…
That, my friend, is a powerful combo.
Angel, well, you’re a girl, too, and we know how easily girls are confused!
Britt, ooh, that’s a good idea.
Dave, I think the Dutch Fucker is probably closer to reality.
Amy, I don’t make them. It just happens.
Mist, it’s the universal party exclamation.
Mr. Fabulous, oh, I see how it is!
Peter, the only thing better would be tits that have beer in them!
Most guys nicknamed “Dutch” aren’t! If you saw the quanity of straight-laced Hollanders in this part of the world (W.Mich.), the real Netherlands rocks! Still-pretty damn funny post!
I effing love the Dutch - was friends with a Dutch family in high school. They were super laid back and gave me two of my great loves in love: Gouda Cheese and Genever(sp?) Vodka, the former I usually have in my house, the latter I have never gotten again after they moved back to Holland. Oh well, they taught us kids how to party responsibly, so we wouldn’t end up like your friend “the freaky Dutch lawyer”.
…all this “Dutch” talk and no dykes. WTF?
Ive always wanted to travel to Dutchyland as I have some friends who live there (dutch and american) Not just for the Tulips, Windmills and wooden shoes ya know. BTW Avi, Where in Florida do you reside? I’m down south myself. Fort Liquordale to be more precise.
Buffalo, no shit? Guys named Dutch aren’t really Dutch? Do you think that means that guys named Nick don’t really have cuts from shaving and guys named Art aren’t hanging on walls?
ADW, who are you kidding? You don’t know how to party responsibly!
Dick, I missed a golden opportunity. Fuck.
Andimac, all I see is blue hairs and Nascar hats, plus a bunch of Japanese tourists, so I’m going to say Orlando.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I had the greatest laugh in reading your post!!!!!!!!! Brilliant.
You got an award. Dunno which one but it’s from me, a RIBBIT AWARD!
Funny post- but I’m with Dick-Where are the dykes?
You can never learn about being Dutch. It’s like a secret society. You either are, or you aren’t. I am.
Are you sure you were calling Dutch? Sounds like a conversation you might have had with Robert M!!! : )
Froggy, ribbit indeed.
Metalmom, they’re keeping all the water from destroying us all.
Lynda, I go Dutch on dates.
Cat, ooh, I haven’t thought about him in a while. It does sound like him!
Beer & tits, I think I prefer tits & beer, that way I can enjoy the tits before I get too plastered to care.
I don’t think I know anyone from Dutchland, so no helpful info for you.
This post is totally believable. Like, totally.
i once pissed off the entire Netherlands—true story. they wrote me up in a blog and then i snarked them and then they snarked me and then they all crashed my servers. and then i called them all Danes and they crashed me again.
god, Good Times.
Michael, don’t all of you Europeans know each other?
Poppy, totally. Like, awesome!
Crystal, what does the Netherlands have to do with Dutchland?
this is amazing. i called it the same thing and hoo,
crashed my servers.
Me too.
LOL!
The funny thing is when I went to Holland to visit family, my uncle asked me what “Go Dutch” meant.
I’m too busy hob knobbing with the Queen and the Princess to hang around with the other Europeans.
Bwahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha
OK Shit! now I gotta get myself dry panties… Oh fuck it… I just won’t bother. I’ll just take off the peed ones and go commando… Forever…
enter text? test, sorry
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