The Dutch Files

“What would you do if” … or “Of Sun, Hills and Tuscan Sausages”

At last, back from the Tuscan hills, after a 12 day holiday with The Kid, and my (also single) friend Ellen and her son Lorenzo, here is a review of the Italian holiday. It had all the ingredients for a perfect holiday: sun, pool, beautiful scenery, Italian wine, no commitments, and all those were accompanied by pizza, pasta and Tuscan sausages (message to The Chief: can we please NOT eat at an Italian restaurant at our annual boss-secretary dinner next week? Please!?). The only thing missing was a guy… Being this relaxed and happy in the wonderful sun and romantic Tuscan hills made me feel all the more that I am in dire need of a romantic date! Holy Shit, you cannot imagine how much I am after 5 years of single-life!

Pics will be up at FlickR soon. I just have to find some time to download them from the camera. I’ll let you know when I have. Now, without further ado, I give you the “What Would You Do If” recap of life at a Tuscany campsite!

Q: … you had the smoothest trip to Italy, the taxidriver was waiting for you as promised at the gate and drove you straight to the campsite where you had to wait for an hour until the Keycamp rep was scheduled to show up?
A: … The DutchBitch would sit down with her friend and the kids and have her first Italian lunch!

Q: … you were one of the 3 sets of bikini’s of the DutchBitch and you were let out of the closet for the first time in 2 years?
A: … The DutchBitch bikinis were ecstatically happy and fighting eachother for the top spot in the suitcase, to be the first to be seen when it was to be opened.

Q: … you had gotten to the tent you would be calling “home” for the next 12 days, had unpacked, put on your bikini, had arrived at the pool on top of the hill, where you found about 250 screaming kids having fun with their parents occupying the sunbeds?
A: … The DutchBitch sent off the kids into the pool, found herself a sunbed, laid her ass down, let out a huge sigh, blocked out the screaming kids-sound, looked around at the sun and the hills and felt amazingly happy for the first time in a loooong time.

Q: … you got a chilled white wine during Happy Hour at the pool, because it was half price, and then dropped it upon arrival at your sunbed? (FUCK!)
A: … The DutchBitch got up, went back to the bar, and got herself another one. Hey! Fuck that! It IS Happy Hour after all!

Q: … during the day it was 30-35 degrees C (86-95 F) and then during the night it cooled off to such an extent that you were almost freezing your butt off?
A: … The DutchBitch would get herself an extra blanket and put it on top of her sleeping bag, no matter the stuffy smell, that’s what! I would rather have put a guy on top of me to keep me warm but I didn’t have one handy and with sleeping in one tent quarters with The Kid ‘n all.. ya know..

Q: … you’d meet the first British guy e-v-e-r without a sense of humor: British handy man coming over to check out the failing gas for the cooker in the tent - DB: “Oh great, thanks. So are you cooking us dinner tonight as well as an extra service?” - BHM: *insert irritated tone of voice* “I am an engineer, nót a cook!“… ?
A: … The DutchBitch just stared at him and then laughed, really hard… A Brit without a sense of humor is extremely rare. You gotta cherish those historical moments…

Q: … you are at the campsite with no transportation because we came by airplane and don’t want to spend money on renting a car when the kids (both 9 years old) will not have themselves dragged anywhere cultural anyway, and The Kid says to you on the second day there “Fortunately we are not going to the pool everyday, right Mom, that would be really boring, right“?
A: You just look at The Kid in awe *crickets* and roll your eyes at your friend…

Q: … your friend has her 42nd (she’s gonna kill me now for letting that cat out of the bag) birthday on July 31 and she tells you to shut up about it?
A: … The DutchBitch bought a small muffin and decorated it with birthdaycake-candles she brought from home, blew up the balloon she brought as well, got the kids out of bed and sang “Happy Birthday to You” when she returned from the campsite toilets from having an early morning crap, and had her blow out the candles. Easy peasy…

Q: … you get on the bus taking you to Florence, and the woman sitting behind you hisses at her son “No, no, No! You sit here, with Mummy! I need you to sit here, ’cause I need to keep an eye on you, ’cause you’ll be puking all over the buss within half an hour after we’ve taken off!“?
A: … The DutchBitch looks behind her and yes.. sure enough the bitch and her kid sat down behind her… so she leans over to The Kid’s part of the seat for the remainder of the trip…

Q: … you had decided that Italy would be thé place to find a new dress as you had been in need of one for a long time?
A: … you buy a CHINESE dress in one of the most fashionable ITALIAN cities… STFU! The Chinese dress had been a long time dream of mine and it was only 15 euros!

Q: … before taking off back to the campsite the busdriver, who definetely does NOT belong to the petite species of Italians, squeezes his body -ass side towards The DutchBitch who is in the isle seat (hallelujah!)- thru the buss to do a headcount?
A: … The DutchBitch jerks back her head just in time, looks at her friend, who is on the other side of the isle, when the bussdriver’s ass had passed, and makes a I-Am-Dying-Here face, while grasping her throath with both hands, which makes half the buss pee their pants…

Q: … you find yourself sitting in front of the tent, looking over the campsite wondering WTF posseses people, herself included, to pay hunderds of euro’s to be packed together like sardines on a campsite with 4,000 people, overcrowded swimming pools, looking onto eachothers plate, witnessing eachothers every move, hearing eachothers every sigh?
A: … The DutchBitch let it go… It’s a holiday for fuck’s sake, she doesn’t feel like being all philosophical about shit like that…

Q: … you are confronted with yet another extremely rare British species: one that asks you for a bottle opener to open his bottle of beer. There is no such thing as a Brit on holiday without a bottle opener, for God’s Sake! Why are these rare breeds all on this campsite together?
A: … The DutchBitch lends him a bottle opener and when he tells her she “saved his life, because his wife locked him out of the caravan where his bottleopener is located“, she tells him “he’d better have his wife arrested and divorce her, because she couldn’t think of a worse marital offense than that“. He smiled his most charming smile in return… His wife is fucked for the remainder of the holiday I am sure…

Q: … your Dutch neighbour has been eyeballing you for days, comes out to sit in front of his tent fiddling with his camera, e-v-e-r-y time you are outside trying to get the hang of yóur new camera, and then tops it off asking his wife 4 (FOUR!) times in 10 minutes “whether she felt like going to the pool for an hour or so, because he wouldn’t mind and happily stay by the tent and watch their stuff, if she wanted to” (I have never seen anyone display a more aggresive get-rid-of-the-wifey routine)?
A: … The DutchBitch watches his wife come out of the tent after the 4th remark, shoots her a empathizing look, which is replied with a equally empathizing look from her, while she walks up to her husband and tells him “to shut the fuck up about the swimming pool, she has no desire to go there and why the fuck isn’t he going himself if he can’t shut up about it”

Q: … you suddenly notice a midlife crisis pot belly pig resembling Dutch guy trying to act all butch and interesting with some Dutch girls in the swimming pool and even boasting at his friends that he’s making some progress?
A: … The DutchBitch looked at the girls, they looked at her, we gave eachother an understanding look and peed our bikinis laughing at him! Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha! As if!

Q: … your tent is under attack from fucking annoying mosquitos every night?
A: … you make sure The DutchBitch is in your travelling party. If so, nobody else is bothered by any mosquitos, I’ll asure you… They just eat mé alive… I counted 38 bites at the highpoint of the holiday…

Q: … you run into afore mentioned midlife crisis pott belly pig guy in the evening, on a trip to the campsite supermarket with The Kid, in your long black casual dress and you can just féél his eyes piercing your ass every time you pass him, while he is making disgusting noises with his tongue (which was 4 times because you had to go back ’cause The Kid left a toy at the supermarket)?
A: … you shake your ass just a tad more when you pass by, to make him suffer and get a last look at what is not his and NEVER will be (I’m cool like that), turn around and give him the most arrogant look he’s ever seen, then walk back to the tent and ask your friend whether your butt is still on there “’cause it felt like he was trying to stare it off there” and you laugh at him, again.. Sorry ass plonker! (you can ask Fab, if you need to know what “plonker” means, btw…)

Q: … you notice that, for the first time in years, you are not that self conscious walking ’round in your bikini at the poolside?
A: … The DutchBitch had another ecstatically happy holiday moment and felt pretty good about herself…

Q: … you are driven insáne by The Kid and his friend asking for crisps, icecream and shit all the time because it has all kinds of gadgets in there?
A: … The DutchBitch teamed up with her friend to set up a plan to maniacally torture and kill the guy who ever thought of putting gadgets with shit like that! If you want to join us, you know the email address… let me know…

Q: … the campsite supermarket turns out to have THE SLOWEST CASHIER E.V.E.R. ! It was like watching everything in slow motion!..?
A: … The DutchBitch would get totally fucked up over it and spend her time in line daydreaming about taking her out with use of the biggest watermelon in the shop…

Q: … your ass was suffering from severe 12 days on plastic campsite chairs-damage… and was killing you… ?
A: … The DutchBitch would txt her friend “my kingdom for a butt massage“…

Q: … you overheard The Kid tell his aunt, when picking us up from the airport, that the tent was “kinda basic with just beds and a kitchen and no TV and PC“?
A: … you tell The Kid that you and his aunt would spend summers in tents like this every year… The Kids reply? “Yeah, but that’s different. Yóu didn’t even have TV’s and stuff back then!” - Aunty and The DutchBitch went into hilarous laughter and snorted out “Yeah, that’s right! And we travelled to the campsite in horse and wagon” - The Kid: “Reaaaallly????” *insert huge amazed look in eyes*

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