Squishhhh!!!
Remember THIS? My relaxing Spa day?
Yeah, it wasn’t as relaxing as I had hoped it would be…
First of all, the night before, I got into a huuuuuuuggggeeee fight with The Ex… Because when I went over to take The Kid to his place his motherfuckingassholefucktard dad.. WAS NOT AT HOME!!! I had this gut feeling all week that it was gonna go all apeshit. In fact, over a glass of red wine on Tuesday I was actually discussing all the Ex-shit with The Chief, as hís ex is similar. She in fact wasn’t home when he was supposed to take the kids over to her place after our trip to De Efteling… Our Ex-es are totally fucked up. They should be convicted to marry eachother… or summin’. So I was there last night, with The Kid, looked up at the appartment building and saw a totally dark dark dark appartment. Steam came from about every cavity of my body. You see, my gut feeling about the asshole Ex n.e.v.e.r fails me… Turns out that he had left his girlfriend’s place too late in the day and then got stuck in commuting traffic (funny thing, on a weekday between 5-6 p.m. right?)… Now you see, he arrived hours after the agreed time, so that means that he in fact wouldn’t even have been on time had he not been stuck in traffic… Fucktard asshole. I guess the girlfriend was, again, more important than his child.
So, needless to say that I was not in the best of moods last night. Nor was I this morning, cuz he had felt it necessary to send me a txt message saying I shouldn’t make such a big deal out of things like this, as it wasn’t like I had somebody at home waiting for me, so that couldn’t have been the problem *blank stare*… Well, fucker! I DO MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF THE FATHER OF MY CHILD MAKING MY CHILD FEEL LIKE SHIT! AND I ALSO MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF MY ASSHOLE FUCKTARD EX ACTING LIKE I DON’T HAVE A LIFE! There, I said it! Eat that!
I arrived at the spa, got undressed in the locker room, got out my bathrobe, my towels, my book, put my hair in a bun, and walked in, letting out a sigh of relief… Until I noticed… half of the spa was being renovated! WTF?! As I was really in need of relaxation and had already booked an hour massage, I decided to get over it and try to have a good time anyway… Which I did… for a moment… until the one and only fucktard in the spa had found its way to yours truly… I was in the shower and he got in the shower next to me. So far so good, until… he was looking at me with this sicko look. My fucktard radar was setting off the alarm immediately. I decided to ignore him… He decided to put the moves on me…
Spa Fucktard: “So ehm… you seem like a hottie… wanna get in the tub with me?“ *wink*
DutchBitch: “Ehm, no thanks. I’d prefer it if you just leave me in peace”
Spa Fucktard: “Oh come on. We could have a hot time”
DutchBitch: “Not interested”
Spa Fucktard: *touching my thigh* “Oh come on, baby. You look plenty naughty!”
DutchBitch: “Keep your paws of my body, fuck you very much!”
Then I walked off. He walked after me to the spa bar. The boss of the spa sure enough smelled exactly what was going on and came over to talk to me when I walked up there and darted Spa Fucktard a nasty look. I told Spa Boss what had happened and Spa Fucktard was escorted out of the building half an hour later. Yeah, I am not a self proclaimed Certified Fucktard Magnet for nuttin’!
I spent the rest of the day reading my book near the spa fireplace, having a few drinks, doing sauna, swimming and the 1 hour massage. With the masseuse that wouldn’t shut up… for one fucking second of the HOUR massage! Fuck That!
Then the highlight of my day came when I was going back to the lockerroom to check my mobile, which I always do when The Kid is with the Fucktard Ex, and on the way to my locker I slipped… I stepped into something squishy and moist, slid thru the lockerroom, was júst able to keep myself upright and recover… Then I looked to my left… nobody… I looked to my right… and sure enough there was a dad with his daughter… the daughter looked horrendous, white as a sheet and was bending forward, hands on her knees…
And then it dawned on me… I HAD FUCKING SLIPPED THRU HER VOMIT!!! There was fucking fresh wet chunky vomit squished all in between my toes, underneath my feet, everywhere!!! Eeeewwwwwwwwwww fucking eeeewwww!!! I was SO disgusted that at first I didn’t even hear the dad throwing as many “OMG I am so sorry!”-s at me as he could.
I decided that that was fucking IT! That my day at the spa was done! I took a shower, thoroughly cleaned my feet, useless as I think I can still smell the vomit on there, got into my clothes and went home…
So ehm… not a very relaxing spa day… Just my luck… Fucktards and vomit in between my toes… So how was your day?
30 Dutch Treat(s)
Oh, I’m soooooo sorry the spa day for you wasn’t as you hoped it would be :(. If this might comfort you… I had a terrible day too… Now, me being 20 and a student away from home (I live in Bucharest now, in a student’s home, with 2 others in the room) is not quite easy. We decided to buy a fridge to keep in our room this year, so we can have some food and stuff there. Wonderful.. after weeks of me doing all the searching (the other two didn’t bother to look for, or call somebody), I found one. Only one problem… it hadn’t been used for a while and now it had a lot of… fungus in it
. But the price was good, and the fridge was working, and we couldn’t find any (we could now afford a new one)… so we bought it. The tricky part was to clean it. One of the guys was at his work, so he couldn’t participate.. and the other… the fucking retared.. was doing his jumping around (what he calls exercise) with loud music, while i was cleaning and cleaning and cleaning that horrbile smelly shit! When I finally told him he should get to work and help me, he exploded with anger, shouting at me things like ‘nobody, but nobody, in this world, makes my schedule!’. Fucking retart… not all in life happens on a schedule… Asshole. Oh well, we went out with his friends and I had to finish cleaning and disinfecting that fridge… and I also had to open the windows wiiiiiiide cause it was such a sweaty smell after the retard did his jumping around.. I forze there :(
So… a shitty day. See?? You’re not alone… :)
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we could now afford one = we could not afford one.
retart = retard
we went out = he went out
God this stress is killing me! Look how many typos :(((((((
So sorry m’am to mess your blog…
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Catalin: LOL, well at least you have a fridge now…
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Yeah, and guess what? This weekend my family will send me over some food :) House-made food tastes soooo good, we don’t have any cooking facilities here, so i mostly eat from cafe’s, cafeterias, etc.. not that tasty/healthy, plus is ripping me of all my (sweet and precios) money :D
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I have no idea if I was meant to be laughing, and now I feel guilty about it. Thanks very much!
And what’s with the guys that keep coming up with these opening lines? I know lots of Dutchmen, and for the most part they’re quite normal :-)
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The ex is a certifiable asshole…Grade A, Prime Choice
I’m sorry the Spa trip sucked. I was looking forward to hearing about how great and relaxing it was because I know you need it so much. You’re so much like me…if there is one fucktard so much as even close in proximity to where I’m located, he will find me. It never fails! Glad he got the boot in the ass out the door though! As for the vomit slippage…I simply cannot say ewww fuckin’ ewww enuff…and that’s a smell that just permeates and never goes away it seems! Well hopefully you’ll find some way to get in some relaxation this weekend. I’m keepin my fingers crossed for ya!!
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Well bitch sorry to hear about your day so you asked “how was your day?” let me answer seeing you asked…
FUCKING GREAT!! spent most of the day talking to a handsome man who just makes me drool in places you just… ok I leave it there, he is smart, intelligent, successful in many more ways then one **winks** and between me drooling and dripping wet intelligent conversation with him I went for a jog in the forest, and bike to the palace close to me and a little gym workout, no vomit and fucktards in sight!! and if they were I didnt see them as I am on cloud nine. so answer your question seeing YOU ASKED SO YOU CANT BITCH AT ME FOR ANSWERING BITCH LOL
love you,.. tomorrow is always a better day right?
oh please I hope so for you as mine I dont think can get better lol
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Oh, I am soooo sorry. That sucks. He couldn’t have cleaned it up? And what was a kid doing at the spa, anyway?
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Holy crap Dutch….you really ARE a certified fucktard magnet. I’m so sorry about your experience at the spa and with your ex (maybe YOUR ex should marry MY ex ~ is gay marriage legal in Dutchyland???)
All I did was get the Idiot Pen Clicker in trouble for running his mouth, which I’ll admit gave me GREAT joy.
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WDKY: Aside from disgusting the vomit part was kinda funny and well, I don’t know why I always get the crazy fucktards. There áre indeed plenty of normal Dutchmen… I just don’t encounter them..
ThatBitchyChick: I am glad I am not the only fucktard magnet. And well, after one more fight with the institute responsilbe for the course I was supposed to start, my bloodpressure is thru the roof now… I guess I’ll spend the rest of the day picking vomit chunks from under my toenails…
Severity: Well I am glad at least one of us had a fucking great day with a great guy
Shelli: Yeah, that was another thing.. I hate it when kids are allowed in the spa. They are on Sundays but apparently also during school holidays. Another lesson learned..
Lucy: Yep! Bring him over. We’ll marry him off to mine! Is gay marriage legal here? I think just about everything is legal here, even taking vomiting kids to spa’s…
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Uhmm… now I think I should tell you something… I’m gay, and the guy I like (kinda’ lover… ) is dutch. He is suuuuch a wonderful guy, so… there must be other good guys out there, who are straight and whom you’ll meet one day, I’m sure. Just keep on trying ;)
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Oh my God Dutchy. So robbed. So not fair.
And seriously. Honey. You need to do a thorough check of yourself in a mirror. You MUST have “assholes hit on me, I am slutty” tattooed on yourself somewhere. That is the only explanation I can come up with for the crap that happens to you.
I’ve never even HEARD of behavior that bad from men. Especially over and over again!!!
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Catalin: I am sure there out there, somewhere…
Britt: Oh Hon, I’ve asked male friends numerous times to check and see whether there is secret fucktard language on my forehead in invisible fucktard ink or whatever… And ehm… do you think smearing my feet with quacamole will take away the vomit stench?
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I think it might make it worse.
Seriously though – is that like a DUTCH thing or something??? I am just so baffled by these men you run into.
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Britt: God I hope not, as it looks like I will be in this country for the rest of my life…
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Here are two things that I am stuck on: the guy was in the shower next you and the masseuse wouldn’t shut up.
Men and women are separated at spas here (this is probably the reason) and a masseuse should never, never have conversations with you unless you initiate them.
I would have complained to the management about the whole thing. Nicely of course. How your relaxing day wasn’t… maybe they would have given you a freebie to make up for it.
Sorry hon. xoxo
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Oh baby, I’m SOOO sorry you had a rough day!
I wish I could send you a ticket to come to me right now! No spa, but alcohol, no Ex, no fucktards (actually no men…) but we could do each other’s nails! 
It’s okay- bring Kid- I have video games and tons of movies!!! 
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Finn: Well, up here they’re mixed, which is fine with me, I’ve never before had any trouble and coming there for over 15 years now. They changed management and this is the first time I encountered a fucktard, really… And I did complain but the new management sucks… I was actually most upset with the vomit between my toes… sorta…
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Metalmom: OMG! I soooo wish I could… Would you do my toenails too or do I need to remove all the chunks from there first?
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I’m not afraid of a little barf……*URK!*
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1 word: K*U*T*!!!
vind het echt lullig voor je :(
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Lisa: Nou ja, het woord is misschien meer “kots”… Ontspannen staat voor mij niet in de sterren de afgelopen jaren, om wat voor reden dan ook… Zit nu op de bank te hangen… Blegh!
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Holy HELL girl! NOT that you’d want it, but you should complain & get a free day out of them. So sorry to hear this…
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I am just going to take a stab at this, but your spa day was not so relaxing then?
I’m sure in some parts of the world a vomit pedicure is considered relaxing. No?
I’m just trying to find the silver lining.
Hey, you still have the weekend.
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He… touched you?
I’m all about the emoticons for that one.
PS – Hi. :)
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Dutchy this one doesnt count. You need to do it again. But this time……leave the fucktards at home where the fucking fuckers belong.
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Yeah, I agree. You need to re-do the spa day.
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I’m sorry the day was not good. Your mom so wanted you to relax & get pampered like a princess & you absolutely deserve it.
I agree with the others, get a free day out of this. I’d send them a copy of this post, well the important details & go back after the renovations.
I didn’t think it could get any worse, my god I never thought of slipping in someone’s vomit. Ugh. Fucking chunks. I think I may lose my dinner.
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Tug: I tried, the new management sucks in the “client satisfaction area” but that was a dead giveaway when I walked into the spa already…
JQ: Maybe the vomit wás the silver lining… It got me out of the spa…
Poppy: Ehm… yup… one word: dis.gus.ting! And “Hi” yourself
MisstressM: Hey! I didn’t bring him!
Fab: Yeah, first find myself a sugar daddy…
Jane: Don’t loose it here. I have NO desire of slipping thru vomit again. Even if it is yours…
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Maybe you could start your own spa and advertise it as a “fucktard free” environment
Sorry you had a rough day sugar. Smooch
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