The Dutch Files

This is the answering machine of The DutchBitch

DutchBitch is currently packing her suitcase, grasping hold of the last batch of Advil, listening to coursepresentations, getting her dominatrix outfit and whip out and then herding her flock back onto ferry and bus heading back home from Schiermonnikoog

Please leave her a message after the beep…

*BEEP*

Can’t.Do.It.Today…

Do.NOT.Slam.Blog.Doors.

Do.NOT.Stomp.Thru.Blog

Shhhh…

Mr Glenfiddich fucked with my head last night… well, technically it was very early this morning…

Gotta go and do some drunk txt messages/email damage control…

And figure out who I promised what to…

Shhhhh…

… help …

Never.Drinking.Again…

Well, not for the next 9 hours or so at least…

Hours of sleep:
Sunday: 6
Monday: 5
Tuesday: 4.5

Hours of work, no play:
Sunday: 16
Monday: 17
Tuesday: 17

Time wake up call:
Sunday: 07.00
Monday: 07.00
Tuesday: 06.30

Use of facilities bridal suite (jacuzzi / sauna):
Sunday: none
Monday: none
Tuesday: none

Alcohol intake:
Sunday: 3 red wine / 1 red port
Monday: 1 white wine / 2 red wine / 4 red port
Tuesday: 2 white wine / 3 Glenfiddich whiskey (no water, no ice)

Times tripping over pheasant outside hotel:
Sunday: none
Monday: none
Tuesday: once*

*before intake of 4 Glenfiddich, ’twas the fucking pheasants fault!

Number of men trying to get it on:
Sunday: 4
Monday: 4
Tuesday: 6

Number of men actually man enough to see it thru:
Sunday: 0
Monday: 0
Tuesday: 0

New words learned:
Sunday: -
Monday: -
Tuesday: merkin

Number of days to go: 3

Day 2 was a fairly uneventful day. I worked most of the day and ran around running errands and arranging stuff for the rest of the week. I didn’t get around to using neither the sauna nor the jacuzzi yet. I got up at 6.30 a.m., I went to bed at 01.00 a.m. and my alarm clock went off at 7 a.m. again this morning.

I had to go out to get one of the US participants new batteries for his calculator. They have NO time to do shit like that themselves so I do stuff like that at times… It was no use, the calculator was still not functioning properly with the new batteries in, so we decided that that meant that it was probably a piece of shit calculator. He had been using it a lifetime, I think it actually was one from the 1950’s series…

I had to assist one of the other US participants with a phonecard she bought in Leiden before departure. It’s an international phonecard and the instructions were in Dutch. Kinda stupid, right? Still, it didn’t matter cuz I couldn’t figure them out either so I had to call their customer service and figured it out in the end. I told her that I thought the card and the shop she bought it at sucked ass. She agreed. She told me she bought it in this tiny tiny shop in Leiden that had hundreds of different phonecards for sale and this lady at a cash register behind bullet proof glass. I told her that there was a reason she was behind bullet proof glass probably… loads of unsatisfied customers… and that the shop didn’t sound very trustworthy to me. It will probably have been turned into a falafel shop or summin by the time we return!

I had the following conversation with one of the male participants the other day:
Male Participant: “Do we have assigned seating?”
DutchBitch: “Nah, you can sit wherever you like”
MP: “OK, so where are the beautiful women sitting?”
DB: “Well, that depends. Taste differs right? So that depends on what constitutes a beautiful woman to you”
MP: “OK, so ehm… where are you sitting?”
He was out of luck. I am not seated in the course room. Well, I am in the same room but at the other end, away from the teaching, out of sight.

We were dissed by the hotelmanager for not noticing for 2 whole days that the whale jaws in front of the hotel entrance were gone… OK, so they are fucking huge… and we didn’t notice they were gone… after 15 years of being there… but hey! It was raining and dark when we arrived. He’s gotta cut us some slack! We have bigger fish to fry than noticing effing whale jaws being gone, right?

I spend the evening socializing at the hotelbar. Yup, that’s one of my assigned duties as well. Networking and socializing with the participants. I sat down with 3 male Dutch ones and I had very interesting highly intellectual discussions with one of them… about who brought a bigger suitcase (I think I did, he thinks he did), about him only finding out 5 years ago what a wire bra is (he’s frigging 47!), and his PDA breaking down as a result of dropping it in the toilet. Yeah, we have highly intelligent scientists over here at the course.

Also called the room of our Irish participants who seemed to be “missing in action” the second part of the day. He didn’t answer. So I went over there, knocked on the door, and this time he did answer. Phew… turned out he had an upset stomach… I didn’t know Irishmen were such sissy’s…

And our US and Norwegian participants? Off to bed at 09.30 p.m. WTF is up with that? Wimpalooza all around!

Oh, and this morning I found out I had packed the wrong deodorant… The one that makes me scream out in pain when putting it on after shaving my armpits… There was some strong language involved… I am not sure I am allowed to employ such language in the bridal suite… I might be arrested by the island cops…

Finally some time to sit down and do something resembling a post. I have been busy working and herding my flock to Schiermonnikoog.

We’re here, the course has started and I was on my last legs last night, but a fairly early night took care of that.

I spent Saturdaynight at the welcoming dinner for our foreign participants. There’s Americans, French, Belgians, Norwegians, Italians, Irishmen, Brits, Brazilians. I was kinda in the mood to make an explosive first impression so I went to the welcoming dinner in a fabulous figure hugging dress, stockings and stiletto heels… It worked… there was some drooling involved here and there, much to the dismay of the personnel of the restaurant… Well, the ones not drooling themselves… I took The Kid with me and as The Boss took his kids with him as well, he was fine and enjoying himself. He came up to me after we had arrived back home and said: “Mom, I think I understood some of the English. That man with the grey hair (a staffmember of one of our collaborating centers, that I’ve known for 5 years or so) came up to me and said: “Is Yvonne your Mom?” and I said “Yes” and then he said: “You have a beáutiful Mom”. I thought I’d tell you because you probaly like it when men think you are beautiful and I think you looked beautiful too…”

Awwwww!!! Isn’t that cute? And yes, I felt it was flattering that the guy said so. There was also another guy that met me 4 years ago and who said to one of my bosses that he thought I looked younger now than 4 years ago. So I had a good night (although The Boss said that if I was any kind of woman I would’ve bolted off to the latter guy and dramatically shouted at him “Oh, so what you are saying is that I looked like shit 4 years ago?“). LOL… I could’ve done so, but I felt reaaaaally good and secure about myself and just took all of it as a compliment…

I spent Sunday dropping off The Kid at his aunties. I won’t see him for 10 days… I will arrive back home on Fridaynight, but he will be with his dad for the weekend and not be home until Dec. 4. I hate it… Then my BIL dropped me off at the hotel in Leiden where our participants were staying and some additional Dutch participants were gathering to get on the tourbus to Schiermonnikoog. At 11.15 a.m. I had them all in the bus and at 11.30 we drove off. I spent 3.5 hours in the bus talking to everyone. After arriving at the departure location of the ferry I hauled them all out of the bus, and herded them onto the ferry. The ferry took 45 minutes and coming off there I had to guide them into another bus to take us to the hotel and then all to their rooms. The hotel personnel hardly speaks any English so I had to do that all by myself… When everyone was finally settled, I had unpacked the course materials, badges, and readers and shit, and at 5 p.m. the course had commenced.

I felt like a regular Lill’ Bo Peep… an extremely exhausted version of her though…

And then it was my turn to haul my suitcase up to my room… and… I GOT THE FUCKING BRIDAL SUITE!!! It’s got a jacuzzi and a tiny sauna IN the room! Not that I will have much time to use it, by the time I get back into the room my head mostly just wants to hit the pillow and sleep, but still… I called The Kid to let him know that I had arrived safely, like I promised, and told him about the room… He said: “Cewl… but WE are having pancakes for dinner“… Oh well, I guess nothing can compete with having pancakes for dinner…

After a nice dinner the course lasted until 9.30 p.m. and afterwards I made it until 10.30 in the hotelbar and then I couldn’t do it anymore. I went to bed and fell asleep right away…

Day 2 has started. The course has been at it for a few hours now and lunch will be approaching. I am doing my regular office work from the course room and being the multi tasking damage controller for all the guest with reluctant phone cards, failing credit cards, and translating between guests and hotel staff.

Bo Peep greetings from here! Missing y’all!!!