Dec 28
I Suck…
I suck at the Mommy-At-A-Distance thing. Any divorced woman sharing custody or in a visitation arrangement with the father of her child(ren) knows what I mean, and many others can probably imagine what it’s like as well…
On Dec 26 I took The Kid over to his dad. Very reluctantly… The older he gets, the more reluctant he is about visiting his dad… And the harder it gets for me to actually stick to the arrangement and take him over… I feel I have to though, as I find it important that he keeps in touch with his father, and because -though he is reluctant to go- there isn’t anything really serious to prevent him from going like any abuse or anything… He just prefers not going and being “at home”. And even though I think he’s father could do with standing up for his son a bit more and putting him somewhat higher on his list of priorities, I still think it is mucho important that my son continues to see his dad. His dad is part of who he is and he should grow up being with him.
He sees his dad regularly: every Monday and every other weekend. He loves his dad to bits… He HATES his dad’s girlfriend, and as years go by more and more attention of his dad goes to his girlfriend and more and more his girlfriend starts meddling in The Kid’s business, he hates going over there more and more. Don’t get me wrong, she’s not a bad woman, and I do realize it is not easy coming into a relationship with a man with a child and the child being around some of the time. I know all that. But she is on my son’s case all the time. All.the.time. She corrects him about the way he speaks, the way he walks, the way he sits at dinner, the way he stands, the way whatever… WTF? I am totally fine with her correcting him on whatever when he’s in her house and when he’s being a pain in the ass or doing something he shouldn’t or whatever, but putting him down on the way he looks and speak and all that… WTF!?
Whenever The Kid comes over to his dad’s she makes him change clothes the minute I turned my back and walked out the door. Cuz what he is wearing is never good enough in her eyes. She also makes him change báck his clothes minutes before his dad takes him back to my place. Not every once in a while… but álways… It’s like she’s trying to mold him into her idea of the perfect child. Fuck Off! Mold your own children, stay the fuck away from mine. He’s fine the way he is!
I have already warned The Ex about this shit many times, and about the fact that he should ask her to step back a bit. Because as he gets older he will not take crap like that anymore. He turned 10 a few weeks ago and well, I can see he’s getting fed up with the shit.
She totally blew it for herself the other day when she told him off on playing his brandnew Nintendo DS he got for his birthday. Because I couldn’t afford one on my own, I decided to give him the present together with The Ex. So we did. He paid half, I paid half. At least that’s what I thought. Turns out: I paid half, he paid a quarter and The Girlfriend paid a quarter. And now she was telling my son that she felt she now had reason to tell him off “because she paid for the damned thing”…
H.e.l.l. N.o.!
The Kid was blowing steam out of his ears when The Ex took him home that night. It took me 1.5 hour to get it out of him what the hell had been going on. He told me. He also told me that he wanted to call me and his father forbid him to call me “because calling my mobile is too expensive”. Fucker!
So on Dec 26 I took him over to The Ex. Just short of kicking and screaming… He hugged me to death just before I left… I told The Ex that The Kid can always call me and that if his non-child support paying ass he considers that too expensive, he can just leave a voicemail and I will call back. At my expense.
I suck at this. I spend the day on the couch doing nothing, just feeling bad and guilty… Being without The Kid for a week, that just sucks. I woke up at night with my jaw and my legs all cramped up. That’s how I work thru stress apparently. I try to keep busy, so I went to the hairdresser yesterday and then went shopping with one of my best friends.
And then, when I arrived at her place for coffee… there was a voicemail on my mobile… it was The Kid: “Mom, can you please call me because all kinds of stupid things have happened and I just want to talk to you“. I called him, I talked to him, he got it all out of his system, he said he wanted to go home, I convinced him that he should really stay because he loves his dad and otherwise he would never get to see him (though deep in my heart I just wanted to reach out and get him), I told him that he could call me anytime, and that on January 2 he would be home and we would do all kinds of fun stuff together that we have planned to do. Then I put down the phone and hardly slept a wink last night…
I could never have stayed with The Ex. Our marriage was só bad that I wasn’t doing The Kid any favours by staying. But this hurts my Mommy heart… I suck at this shit… and as one of my blogging buddies, who knows all too well how this stuff works, said the other day: “You would think it would get easier as years go by, but it doesn’t“…
I’m so sorry baby, I wish things were different, I am so sorry…
You should have gotten the kid by yourself … Just by anonymous donation …
Sharing children between separated parents is rarely easy. You’ve got mail.
Hugs
I know it’s hard, but I feel you are doing the right thing! He has to keep in touch with his dad, that’s the best way!
As for the ‘girlfriend’, try telling your Ex all about it again and explain to him that HIS child is suffering, and that she is not doing any good.
Or simply confront her and tell her to make some children of her own so she can dress them up all day like she pleases!
Be strong!
Hugs, and the best of wishes!
My heart really goes out to you, hon. I can’t imagine what it must be like to go through that. If you ever need to vent, you know that I’m here.
It’s chicks like that who make ME look bad. I have no interest in meddling… AT ALL.
JustMeTalking: LOL, Yup
FroggyWoogie: It isn’t, and certainly not with one of the party’s complicating the matter… You’ve got mail too.
Catalin: She has kids of her own, she’s a grandma in fact already. She has plenty of kids to work on.
Fab: Thanks Hon… You’re a gem!
Robin: I know and I commend you for that. The situation for you and Erik sucks big time as well. Totally different but maybe even worse. I couldn’t be with a man that would act like a “father figure” to my child. My child has a father, there’s no need for that. I don’t want that.
That is completely unacceptable; The Ex needs to grow some balls and set boundries for his girlfriend. There’s nothing wrong with having house rules and discipline, but she’s stepping over the line.
I’m sorry the Kid’s hurting; that really sucks. For both of you. It’s so much easier to relax and enjoy some time for yourself when you know your child is happy. xoxo
Finn: EXACTLY what I mean! Houserules are fine, but this is just too much. Thanks…
Next time the Kid goes to visit, provide him with scissors so he can “alter” the clothes he’s given. I think that will send a msg.
LOL, if I were you, I would go to her and say: “Hey grandma’, take care of your own children/grandchildren, leave mine alone!
That would hurt her. Hopefully :D
I’ve been in your son’s position, where I would rather be HOME with my mom than at my dad’s house where his girlfriend (now my evil stepmother) would boss me around. We make it through. We know you love us. I know it’s hard for you to be his mom and know he wants to be with you, but it’s still the right thing to have him hang out with his dad. I know my mom fought hard with my dad about my stepmom, so keep up the good fight but definitely pick your battles.
When I was 15 I finally just said “enough, please” and stopped going to my dad’s house every other weekend. Perhaps making an agreement with your ex now that if your son no longer wants to go to your ex’s at some year in his teenagerness you agree to have him stop going. Then your ex will need to make your son a priority by asking to see him for specific visits.
Marty: LOL, would be funny, but not the way to go I think
Catalin: Nah… better not
Poppy: you are so right, and I know that in my heart, but it’s still difficult. I don’t argue with the g/f. I sometimes discuss things with The Ex as I think it’s his responsibility and otherwise I try to emphasize the good things about him visiting his dad to The Kid.
I wonder sometimes if his ex thinks I want to be the mother of her daughter but if she thinks that then she really doesn’t know me.
Robin: well, it’s a shame she doesn’t take a chance and get to know you (and Erik for that matter) for the great people that you are… some ex-es just suck…
It’s obvious that offing the GF would help solve some of the issues. I’m sure Mr. Fab would be up to the challenge.!
*hugs*
ANO: maybe he could Sculpey her…
I’m so sorry that you’re hurting,Hon.
I think 10 is old enough to dress himself. She has truly crossed the line. Maybe all three of the adults could talk together to resolve some issues?
Good luck and Hugs!
Speaking from the viewpoint of someone who has been the “girlfriend” in a situation like this…this woman obviously has no knowledge about what it takes to warm up to a kid. They don’t want a third parent. They already have two. If she’d just try to be a friend to The Kid and maybe even once in a while do the Good Cop/Bad Cop routine with the father. If The Kid’s father is coming down a little harsh on him for something, she could actually step in and be his advocate instead of being critical on a constant basis. She needs to go back to the school of Girlfriend With Children Involved 101!
oh ex’s total wankers it all boils down to that and the partners they pick!! that twat is not a person who can correct Kid due to the fact to Kid she is no one, Kid has 2 parents, mum and dad they are the main people in Kids life.
I have the same with little mistress, me and her father, even though she has known my partner since she was 2years old she knows she has 2 parents. end of story.
the cloths thing, pff stupid bitch, slap her or send her to me, my ex does the same. wish Santa gave you a bullet with her name on it, i got a gun!
I can see where this would make you mad. I have a feeling in a couple of years, your son will be old enough to let them know about it- loudly…
Metalmom: I’ve stopped talking about shit like that to either of them. I don’t think either of them have the brain lobe that enables them to “hear” it…
ThatBitchyChick: So ehm… if I split them up, can I interest you in in dating The Ex? There could be a residence in Dutchyland in there…
Severity: Slap I can do, kill her I can’t. I’m a softy bitch…
Buff: Yeah, well, it doesn’t make me mad, but more sad really… And I am sure that in the years to come he will speak his mind…
I’m so sorry about this. I know you know i understand, I was crying reading this and I can very much understand.
Hugs.
Umm, I’d rather take my chances with illegal residency and the possibility of deportation! lmao
Pffff why does everyone think that the result of a bullet and a gun is murder?
Hey a spoon can kill is used the
rightwrong wayShortie: Thanks Hon, I know you do. Muah.
ThatBitchyChick: Whyyyyyyyyyyy
LOL
Severity: LOL, true true!
Wow - this brings back ugly memories of childhood - except it was my mom and her husband trashing us. You are doing exactly the right thing by being there for the Kid and honoring the visitation. You have to take the high road for him - no matter what else, he is half his father and he must never think that half is shit, even if it is. Oh, and you do not suck.
Martine: I am sorry you’ve had to go thru that. It’s good to hear that I am doing the right thing, it feels like the right thing, however hard it is…
Hmmmm. It’s tough, but my view is that the Ex needs a good talking-too, and a reminder of his responsibilities. In fact, I suspect it would be a good idea for the three of you to talk.
As a single parent, I know how hard these things are, but if we want the best for our kids we have to at least TRY to get it right!
WDKY: You are so right, and I’ve tried that, but it’s hard to talk to people who don’t see a/the problem…