The Dutch Files

So yesterday was thé day. After Jill, a.k.a. That Bitchy Chick, had made an attempt to end up in Dutchyland earlier this year, which didn’t work out, she was flown over as a birthday surprise for her best friend Tracey and while she is here anyway, we arranged to meet up… It was a memorable day…

We had arranged to meet up in The Hague and I was there right on time… a bit early really… so I made use of that fact by walking by my regular hairdresser and making an appointment to go there in 2 weeks… I was chatted up by the owner of the hairsalon while walking out… So that was a great start of the day… Oh, except for the fact that he’s married… Fucker!

So hey! I DID offer to give ‘m directions but noooooooooo… Pfffttt!!! The Bitches didn’t need directions… They’d be fine… Yup… fiiiiiinnneeee… You know what is going on when your phone bleeps with a txt message just about the time they’re supposed to arrive… Yeah, and they were blaming Dutch traffic! WTF? I’d txt them back that I was sure they would be worth the wait and walked around the shops a bit, until the phone rang… They were supposedly IN The Hague, but couldn’t find the location we were supposed to meet. I tried to help them as much as I could, but I am pretty sure they were just oogling Dutch men from the car and not really listening… About 15 min later they arrived… The Two Bitches… a Kiddy Bitch… and sure enough: a guy! in the car.. They picked up a hitchhiker to show them the way!!! Uh-Huh… I am now wondering whether they were lost at all. Can’t you just ásk a guy and then drive off… and not drag ‘m into your car? Seriously!!! Is that the US/Aussie way to ask for directions?

We met up at the exit of the parking garage and hit it off right away. The Kiddy Bitch turned out to be Traceys daughter, she’s a dream. I took them for some windowshopping, some walking along some shops… Well, calling it “walking” is maybe taking it a bit too far … Jill get’s stuck at e.v.e.r.y shop selling handbags… and Tracey gets stuck at e.v.e.r.y shop selling shoes… There’s plenty of those… Woohoo!

Then lunch was… ehm… kinda… ehm.. special… Apparently the serving staff at lunch spot Deluca is heavily trained in using the chaos system and ignoring customers… When serving 3 Bitches and Kiddy Bitch that is a baaaad idea… We managed to get our drinks within 15 min but then… It took another 40 minutes to get our fucking lunch out! And it appears that a grilled mozarella and tomato sandwich at Deluca is a grilled sandwich wíth pesto and without tomato. Then if you complain (bitch about it) and get a new one, it’s turned into a sandwich with tomato, pesto and non-melted mozarella… It was Tracey’s and if any of us bitches shouldn’t be fucked with, lemmetellya… It’s Tracy!

Dúring lunch we witnessed the most relaxed ambulance personnel I have e.v.e.r. seen!!! Apparently to our left there was a woman having some kind of seizure due to either epilepsy or a diabetes related issue. Not sure… A doctor in the public came to help her out and told the personnel of the restaurant to call an ambulance… When the ambulance arrived it turned out that the personnel was too stupid to realize that they could have taken down the barrier closing off the street for traffic… But that was not the stupidest of all… Upon arrival the ambulance personnel were dragging their asses out of the ambulance as if they had just been dragged away from a copious lunch or, fuck, maybe even their midday nap… They sacheyed their asses over to the lady, who was still out of it, and one of those fuckers was even whistling!!! Whistling!!! Whaaaat Theeee Fuckkkkkk!!! Sheesh! It was like watching amateur NY Fashion Week models! They checked out the lady, slapped -and when I say “slapped” that is exactly what I mean- her on the stretcher and strolled their asses back to the ambulance… God! I hope I’ll never need an ambulance in The Hague… ever…

We continued our way along some shops back to our cars and decided to make our way to Madurodam. I offered to drive ahead and have them follow me cuz I knew the way and my navigator wás working… Despite the fact that I was distracted by a phonecall while navigating, I obviously got everyone of us to Madurodam without a hitch. Don’t let any of those bitches have you believe otherwise…

We spent the afternoon in Madurodam and had a great time. We talked and talked and talked, and in between we might have looked at some of the Madurodam stuff… I think… I am not sure all of the public appreciated all of our conversation that much, but who the fuck cares, right? What else is there to talk about aside from fucktards, men and sex when the’re 3 bitches together? STFU! We taped the ears of Kiddy Bitch shut while blabbing… We did!

Oh, and ever heard of a grown woman with a fobia to walk over bridges? Her name is Tracey… Ever heard of 2 Bitches and a Kiddy Bitch making her life hell walking over the numerous ones in Madurodam? That would be the rest of us… Hey!? We couldn’t help the bridges making sounds and shaking when stomping our way over them?

Oh, and it seems that Fab was there recently and left behind one of the wooden shoes I sent him some time ago… We all climbed in and had our picture taken in there…

After Madurodam I shuv’d allathem in a tram and we made our way to Schevening and had a drink at the beach. First we had a rosé, they were finished soon enough… I twisted their arms (it didn’t take much effort) to have another drink. Tracey and I had another rosé and Jill stated the following: “Oh, I won’t have another rosé… I think I’ll just have a coffee”… That sounded a tad lame for That Bitchy Chick… My advise: be at your guard when she blurbs out the word “just”… Before we knew it the waiter was coming out with 2 rosé, an orange juice for the Kiddy Bitch and an Irish Coffee for madam… Yeah right! “Just” coffee… *wink*

To cut a long story short, Saturday’s Bitches Meet Up was a day filled with: a Dutch Bitch, a US Bitch, an Australian Bitch and a kiddy Flemish bitch, picking up hitchhikers, talk of sex - fucktards - and the multipurpose use of stiletto heels, boobs accidentally falling out of tops (hey! not mine! I am suffering from serious boob-inadequacy trauma since meeting up with the bitches yesterday), shoes, handbags, bridges, trams, wine, “just” coffee and the beach… That was about it… I think…

Babes! I had a great time meeting up with you. Here a slap for the both of you and a big Dutchyhug for Kiddy Bitch! Have fun in the caves, and taking Kiddy Bitch back tonight *wink wink*. And Jill: thanks for the fucking great Mojito chewing gum!!! I dipped in into sum rum which made it even betah!

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