I am not the celebrity crush kinda girl… But if I ever had one, it was for this guy…

He cracks me the hell up… every time… still… * SNORT *

• Hey, Marcy, what’s holding the towel up?
• Remember our motto: We ain’t got it.
• It must be your mother. Tell her I said ‘oink’.
• If God had wanted women to play ball, he would’ve made them men.
• Peg, is there any reason this cactus is where my alarm clock should be?
• I had a dream last night. A big red haired mosquito in tight pants was hovering over me sucking money out of my wallet.
• I’m jealous of everyone not married to you.
• Only one woman, too much time.
• This is my week off, so pack up, get the kids and I’ll see you in a week.
• We all have to live with our disappointments… I have to sleep with mine.
• I saw a star in the East. Peg, did you do laundry?
• Life didn’t pass me by, it sat on my head.
• Dead men don’t wake up yelling ‘don’t’.
• Threats don’t work on me… I’ve already been to hell.
• I’d rather dive of the Sears Tower head first into a thumbtack or bait a crocodile with my manhood…
• Not quite as old as the hair on your legs…
• You see kids, it was a dream and you were replaced by two sixpacks in the refridgerator.
• Peg, when you married me, was it pre-meditated or a drive-by marriage?
• Home, work, can a man have too much fun?
• You’ve desecrated the toilet I call home!
• Except for the day before the day I met you, this is the happiest day of my life.
• Lets go! Last one to your house gets to sit next to my wife!
• I don’t HAVE to go to sleep after sex. I WANT to go to sleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.
• I would rather sleep in a bunk-bed under Oprah!
• I love you, Peg… Just kidding!
• I wouldn’t rub your feet if a genie popped out of them
• Kids take a good long look. This is worth a thousand condom commercials.
• You may as well bore me with your problems…
• May the shoe-business take you all!
• Peg, you know I warned you before about touching me.
• Marcy, the part with the cups goes in front.
• There is so much that I wanna say to you but there’s a show coming on that I wanna watch.
• The only power I sensed was that of the mighty forces unleashed by beans.
• Please, Peg, if you have any feelings for me, don’t make me make love to you.
• Milwaukee. That’s the town they build around you mother isn’t it, Peg?
• I’m the only guy in the world who has to wake up to have a nightmare.
• Behind every successful man is a woman who didn’t marry me.
• …who cares, it’s free!
• Ah, home sweet hell.
• Why go out for milk when you’ve got a cow at home.
• Every now and then a guy who drive a Dodge likes to close his eyes and imagine it’s a Ferrari.
• Christmas is not the time for regrets. That’s what anniversaries are for.
• Congratulations Peg, you’ve just won a trip to Disney Fist.
• People who work putting shoes on fat women who wear dresses should not have 20/20 vision.
• Let me explain. It’s just like an elevator. There’s a 2 ton weight limit on those shoes…
• Well, I chalked up some more frequent loser miles today.
• Sure selling shoes is fun. But behind the glamour, it’s like any other minimum wage slow death.
• Sorry, Peg, I didn’t hear you. I was thinking of killing myself.