The post that you are about to read has come about because someone, a single person, has driven me to it yesterday. I am usually not like this, writing posts like this. But I feel I have to now. To make a point, in general, but especially to this one person.
It is not about any of you, my blog friends or my “real life” friends or family. The person that this post is addressed to knows its about them, and knows very well.
Contrary to what some people might think about me, and maybe will start thinking about me, after this post: I am NOT a cold hard bitch (I have to insert a *wink* at someone here by way of a joke, concerning a song he pointed out to me the other day, heh). I am however fiercely protective of my own life, my own well being, my own sanity and that of The Kid. Fierce is not unkind, fierce is not bitchy, fierce is not cold, fierce is not hard or tough, fierce –in this respect- is “with a passion”.
Once I get to the point of breaking off a friendship or a relationship, a lot has transpired before that. There has been a second chance, usually multiple of them… There have been talks about things, warnings that I am reaching my limit, requests to try and work things out, also usually multiple… When I get to the point of ending things I have taken a lot of shit from you, I have put up with a lot of your crap, I have done everything in my power to make things work, I have given you the benefit of the doubt for a long long time…
There is just one undeniable unavoidable thing about my personality, that is beyond my control: I can give people lots of new chances, I can put up with a lot for the sake of friendship or a relationship, I am ready to forgive and forget many things, I am prepared to talk things over, to cry with you, to even make more effort than you might do if need be. However, when I have reached my limit, that’s what it is, the limit. The line that cannot be crossed. Because by that time things are developing at the expense of me, my own sanity, my own happiness. I’ve learned a long time ago, that no friendship or relationship is worth “losing myself” or “losing grip of my own life” over. NONE. The only person in my life that I would go to such length to for is my son.
So, when I have indeed reached my limit and I need to end something, because I just can’t deal with it anymore, because it is tipping the scale towards structural unhappiness, emotional stress, and disrespect… I am done. I will have warned you about that several times before I get there. That I am reaching that point, and that I can’t help it, but once I reach that point, there is no turning back. That is not a threat, it’s a simple stating of a fact. That is the way I work. You can push me for a loooong time, but once I get there, it’s the point of no return. Not because I want it to be, but because I can’t change my feelings. By that time all respect and love is gone. Truly…
That is also the point at which I need to cut you out of my life. Because you are hurting me. And because that is the kind of hurt that I can’t and will not live with. So I will ask you to not contact me anymore. I will tell you that I think we are both better off going our own ways and moving on. And I truly believe that. I have been in relationships that have ended, where I have remained friends with my ex-significant others, so that is very possible for me, but not when you’ve pushed me over the edge. I have also been in friendships that have gone from very tight to less tight which could be fine in itself too, but also not when you’ve pushed me too far. I can’t do it.
The point of this explanation is that I want this person to finally fucking understand that he’s had his chance, that I have in fact put up with a lot of shit and drama, that I tried to hang on, that I asked him to talk to me and work things out. However, for some reason that would never come about. Communication was down to below zero. Up to the point that even after I had ended things, and was willing to remain friends, shit like that was still happening, and I reached the point that I could not even be friends anymore. It was taking too much out of me.
So this is addressed to you: all of this is why I asked you to respect my wish and move on. To NOT contact me anymore. To live your own life and let me live mine. You told me that you still loved me and that your intentions were good, but frankly at that point that didn’t make a difference anymore. That is not meant in a harsh way, I just couldn’t do it anymore.
If you still loved me, as you said you did, you would respect what I have asked you. But you don’t seem to be able to do that. No contact means what it says, literally “no contact”. Whatever you have to say to me, you have had your chances. I want nothing of it anymore. Leave well enough alone. The part where we could still be friends has passed. You let it pass, by again disappearing and not getting in touch with me when you should have. I have had my share, so have you, you need to leave me in peace and move on.
I am not one to publicly put stuff out there like this. But right now I just want to scream. You need to allow me to move on and I can’t do that if every so often you keep contacting me. Sure, I could totally expose you, put cell phone numbers, email addresses, private addresses, full names, and whatever else on here. I won’t. I am not like that. I am not out to destroy you, I am not out to hurt you. Bút my life needs to not have you in it. A big part of how I got there is your own doing. I am sorry that we were not able to work that out, I am sorry that you couldn’t work that out for yourself, but I only have this one thing left to say to you. It has not hit home so far, so I will spell it out for you:
L.E.A.V.E. M.E. I.N. P.E.A.C.E.
There, that was today’s message. If you take anything out of this post, take out of it that when someone you love or used to love asks you to do something (or not do something) please respect their wishes. Respect is important in life.
Again: I am truly not a cold hard bitch, I am not out to cut everyone out of my life that I get into a riff with. I am not out to hurt people.
If you really knew me, you would know that that is not the way I am. It’s just that sometimes there is no other option than to cut all ties with someone… if they keep dragging you down, and you can’t deal with that anymore. I wish it wasn’t so, but unfortunately in a few instances in my life (and they really have been a few) I have had to resort to that. That’s very hard for me, takes a lot of soul searching, but sometimes that is unfortunately the only road to take.
Today I had ended up in Alphen a/d Rijn instead of Amsterdam. I was outside, in the sun, sipping some rose wine, catching up with my girlfriend Audrey that I was celebrating Koninginnedag (Queen’s Day) with, enjoying the people, the live music… and then a message from Lady Penelope came in… that there was breaking news on something horrible happening during the official Koninginnedag celebrations involving our Royal family… I swiftly turned on the internet news on my cellphone and then I saw it…
