The Dutch Files

Hi boys and girls! I’m Penelope from It’s me…Penelope and I get the dubious pleasure of guest posting here while Dutchy paints her toe nails, shaves her legs and otherwise prepares for her grand entrance back into the Blogging world.

She is not, however, back until tomorrow, so for now it’s gloves off and I can write what I like! Oooohhhh the powerrrrrrr!

In true Blog Jacking style, I’m really going to town here with my top ten reasons why The Bitch that is Dutch and I should NOT be friends!

1. I’ve never done a guest post before and was thrilled to be asked, only to find out that I was to be the last in the series and therefore the one to clear up the mess they all left! Oh didn’t she time that well? Have you seen the state of this place? It just spells disaster!

2. She really likes feet! When I was away on my recent vacation, Dutchy guest posted for me and knowing that I have a bit of a foot-phobia, she invited all of the readers to email pictures of their feet! They did! I returned home to emails with photos of feet in! Ewwwwwwww!

3. She calls me Ethel! ’nuff said.

4. She does not share my love of all things Neil Diamond and will take every opportunity to take the piss out of him, and me for loving him! That is just properly wrong!

5. She tells me that she needs to diet, to then find out that she is;
1. Taller than me
2. Weighs less than me

How’s that argument looking now huh? Huh?!

6. She has gorgeous hair and unnaturally blue eyes. That’s not fair. One or the other but both is just plain greedy!

7. She orders Ann Summers stuff and has it sent to my office, just to embarrass me in front of my co-workers. (Ok, there may be a teensy bit more to that but this way it works as another point against her and I need all the help I can get here!)

8. She doesn’t drink nearly enough. Seriously. How can she be a true friend to me if she isn’t matching me glass for glass in the Chardonnay stakes?

9. She types at a squillion miles per hour. Have you chatted with her on MSN or G-Chat? How the hell can I keep up if she is always 10 lines ahead of me?! (I just wait for her to say BRB and I type as much and as fast as I can - heh!)

10. She calls me a Bitch! Me? A bitch? Narrrrrrrr…not me….sweet, innocent lil old me? Not a chance. Never. Uh uh. Nope. Not a chance!

So, there you have it, all of the reasons why she and I should never be friends.

So, why are we friends, you ask? (You did ask, right?) God knows, is the answer to that question. Some people just get under your skin, and no matter how hard you scrub away to try and get rid of them, they keep coming back. We may not have been friends for a long time, but we are GREAT friends. We have absolutely kept each sane over the past few months and I can’t wait for her visit here on the 5th September, even if I do have to get up at Fucking Early O’Clock to take her to the airport when she leaves! Something about flying to The States to seem some bloke, oh and a teensy bit of work. Nothing too serious though.

Seriously, I’m sure you’ve all missed her blogging as much as I have so thank goodness I can stop waffling now and just say; Welcome Back Gertrude! Missed you heaps babe! Mwahhhhhh!

Guestpost by Ms Kitty that got lost in the Big Blog Bust of 22.08.2008. Restored by DutchBitch on 23.08.2008. Unfortunately comments were non-restorable :(

Hello everyone,

Your guest poster today was supposed to be the lovely, the smart, the entertaining and amazing Cinnkitty of “Pitter Patter of Pink Piddy Paws”.

However, I’m a military minded man and using my extensive recon skills, I’ve taken this opportunity to blogjack this blogjack. I’ve taken over the blog, locked little Ms. Kitty out and am here to plead my case to you — John Q. Public.

Who am I? In the blog world, I am known as Ranger, of the infamous “Ranger Chronicles” in Ms. Kitty’s life.

I’m here to tell the world 10 reasons why Ms. Kitty should take me back:

#1 — My dick is so big that the head of it has only seen my balls in postcards.
#2 — My dick is so big, it was overthrown by a military coup. It’s now known as the Democratic Republic of my dick.
#3. — My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of company.
#4 — My dick is so big, that is has it’s own dick. And even my dick’s dick is bigger than your dick.
#5 — My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me in High School.
#6 — My dick is so big, King Kong is going to scale it in the next remake.
#7 — My dick is the walrus, koo koo ga joob.
#8 — My dick is so big, Stephen Hawking has a theory about it.
and in all seriousness, because Ms. Kitty keeps telling me “Ranger, a big dick does not solve everything” (it may not, but it certainly should be worth bonus points!) I bring you my last two points:
#9. — Ms. Kitty loves me
#10. — I love Ms. Kitty

So, what do you say folks — help me get Ms. Kitty back!!

This is Ranger, signing off — but not signing out!

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…sigh…..

Okay, okay… I admit it — this really *IS* Cinnkitty and the above post wasn’t written by Ranger.
But gosh darn it, if he knew how to blogjack a blogjack — I think he WOULD have written something like that!

Besides…Dutchie gave me guest post rights for Friday. I mean really.. a Friday Dutchie? That’s like — the WORST day to post blogs. Friday is the Sahara of blogging, don’t you know???

So I had to come up with something fun and funny.

And I really *DO* think Ranger would have written something like this.
After all, he really *did* tell me most of those “My dick is so big” jokes.
This is Ms. Kitty — meowing out!

Guestpost by kapgar that got lost in the Big Blog Bust of 22.08.2008. Restored by DutchBitch on 23.08.2008. Unfortunately comments were non-restorable :(

Hey all, this is kapgar checking in for my guestblogging stint at The Dutch Files!

As we all know, Mistress Dutchie is soon to return and regale us all with her vacation tales of sun, recreational drug use, and rampant sexual debauchery. I’ve received a couple previews of these stories and, let me tell you, they’re enough to make you wish you could’ve folded your body in half and stowed away in her luggage.

Alas… *sigh*

It’s enough to make me want to break into song! So that’s what I’m going to do. No idea how I’m going to pull this off, but I will certainly try.
With no further ado, I present you with…

Guestbloggin’ Again
by Cowboy Kapgar
(sung to the tune of Willie Nelson’s “On the Road Again” - forgive me in advance)

Guestbloggin’ again…
Fooled Dutchie with fake talent again.
The life I love is writin’ posts for my friends,
So I’ll lie through my teeth to guestblog again.

Guestbloggin’ again…
What the hell’s her URL again?
Not dutchbitch.com, that’s porn and sin.
And now I wish I could remember my damn login.

Guestbloggin’ again…
With a gun to my head we go down the highway,
We’re the best of e-friends.
Insisting that the world be readin’ our say,
And our say is to guestblog again.
Just can’t wait to get guestbloggin’ again.

The life I love is writin’ posts for my friends.
And I can’t wait to get guestbloggin’ again.

On the road again
Waitin’ for a band of lawyers to head my way,
And bring this post to an end
Threatening C&Ds and for legal aide I’ll pray.
And my way will be to run like Hell again.

Just can’t wait to get guestbloggin’ again.
She promised me Dutchkisses that just ain’t happenin’.
So like a fool I’m guestbloggin’ again.

No one will ask me to guestblog again.

That was just bad, wasn’t it?
Well, welcome back, hon. We missed ya!

Guestpost by Nobody that got lost in the Big Blog Bust of 22.08.2008. Restored by DutchBitch on 23.08.2008. Unfortunately comments were non-restorable :(

Hey now, Nobody here. For some goofy reason I was asked to guest post here today. Since Dutchy is back from her holiday I was hoping to get out of guest posting, but what the hell. I can think of something to put here. Maybe.

Or maybe not. To tell the truth, I had almost forgotten about my gig here, even after having to remind someone else that she had almost forgotten to post here.

And for those of you thinking to yourselves, “Self, if Nobody’s here, then who is this idiot that posted?” Well, like I said, I am Nobody, and I have a couple of crappy little blogs where I publish, well, Nothing, really. So it boggled my mind that Dutchy would want to dirty her little corner of the internets by giving me the keys to her blog, even if for only one day.

Those of you who actuall read my blog probably know that I like to post weird stuff on Wednesdays, which just might be why Dutchy asked me to post on a Wednesday. So here you go, a weird road sign.

I have no idea why anyone would need to watch for bikes there. I mean, they have a WHOLE LANE all to themselves!

Hi there, it’s Karl from SecondHand Tryptophan. Today I bring you a video post, made especially for the Dutch Files. Bear with me, since I just quit smoking and am pretty much dreaming of kicking everyone in the testicles. Even the women.

Great Things About Sebring, FL from Karl Erikson on Vimeo.

If for some reason you can’t see the video here, then here is the direct link.