The Dutch Files

I was on the way to the office the other day and was kinda pre-occupied. Which is a bad thing when you are driving, I agree… But I was… And then… I made a bad judgement in traffic. I decided to dash across the street where I had to go, just before a car coming on… Who in the end was going faster than I had thought he did…

There was no collision but a near one, which infuriated the guy coming up to me. He was right. It was a bad call on my part, I apologized to him… BUT, in the mean time a whole jam of traffic had built up behind me which made me be stuck in between his car and the jam behind me… who started honking their horns already… I rolled down my window… apologized again to the guy and asked him if he could scoot his car back up a few feet so I could get past him and solve the jam piling up behind me…

He refused!

I know, I know… it was obviously my fault… but I was stuck there now… I had already perfusely apologized to him, he had NO cars behind him… I had about a kazillion behind me, I could not move forward, not move back… and if he’d only move a few feet, all would be solved…

That bugs me… I mean, he was absolutely right that it was a stupid thing to do on my part but to be ass-stubborn to make your point that you should be the first one to pass now and therefore pile up a whole traffic jam that, if he doesn’t move, won’t go away by itself… That’s just STOOPID to me… It’s not because I need to have my way… It’s because if there is only one way to solve a problem… Just get over your stupid pride and get your head out of your ass and move!

He didn’t. He just rolled back up his window… made hand gestures that I should be the one to back up (to WHERE, motherfucker!?!?!?) and then decided upon intimidatingly staring at me…

Oh HELL NO! The intimidation thing? NOT a good thing with this bitch. Nu Uh… Intimidation cost me a lot, personally, a few years ago when I let a few people intimidate me into the worst situation a woman can be in. It took me a long time to get myself back together and it sometimes still comes back to haunt me… and well, I don’t “do well” on the intimidation thing at all ever since… It erks me… no, bugs me… no, infuriates me to n.o. e.n.d.!!! Cuz no matter what: intimidation is a bad thing… It’s a thing only people with their arrogant heads up their asses do to people that they feel are inferior to them…

So… with all the kazillion cars behind me honking… I opened my door and got out of my tiny car… and walked up to his big ass Beamer… and tapped his window… with the utmost coolness that I could provide… He looked up kinda weird… as if he had not expected the little woman to come up to him… He rolled down his window just a little bit… (was thís asshole too scared to roll it down further!? bwahahahaha). And this is what came out of my mouth:

“Listen.. you PRICK! I REALIZE that it was not the best call to try and dash in front of your car just now… YOU however know that I already apologized for that, MULTIPLE times”

he tried to mutter something that started with “but” and I didn’t let him…

“Ehm… NOPE. This is the part where you listen and I talk. See that jam behind my car? You KNOW that blocks me from backing up. See that void behind YOURS?… You know that it would be easy for you to back up. So even though you are right about the fact that I shouldn’t have tried to cross the road at that particular time, when you were approaching, kindly get your ARROGANT HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS and back the fuck up! The intimidation thing, where you stare at me from the closed window in the secure surroundings of the INSIDE of your car is NOT gonna work. If we have a stare stand off, we are gonna be here for a LONG time. That is unless we get killed off by the Mob behind me first… MOVE FUCKER!”

He rolled his window back up… he moved… then I passed him… and the whole jam behind me passed him and all was peaceful again in Dutchyland…

Like any other country, I am sure, Dutchyland’s got its insane fuckers as well. Sure sure, we have those too. And NO, I am not one of them. So NOT! Na-aH! Pfffttt!!!

Seriously! The news yesterday, aside from the wall.to wall - floor.to.ceiling coverage of the European Soccer Championship *sigh* (can you tell I couldn’t care less?), was plastered with the following. Apparently some sick asshole or assholette considers it a great idea to dig enormously deep pits on the hiking and cycling routes in a forest in Helden, in the south of Dutchyland.

Earlier this year, in March, a few of those were discovered and fortunately the “discoverers” only got mildly hurt. They didn’t fall in there, just sprained ankles and stuff… It seemed that the pit-digger had disappeared after that, BUT yesterday new pit one was discovered…

Yeah, yeah, STFU! I can hear you thinking… “So, it’s a pit… WTF?“. First listen to the whole story, then decide what you think. Shut your traps till then…

They are deep deep déép pits… covered up with branches and shit… so you don’t notice them when you’re jogging or hiking down the hiking trail there… But the wackiest thing, the most fucked up about those pits is, hold on to your asses now… on the bottom of all of the pits, they found this:

Nope, your eyes are not deceiving you. No need to get your other glasses. Yeah, that would be a humungous concrete block with enormous spikes in there. Do me a favor and click the image to see a second image that will give you a full idea of how big that thing really is… Go on “click it”. I’ll wait for you over here…

Back? See it? Shocked? Yah… me too. What sick insane twisted fucked up asshole(tte) finds pleasure in digging pits like that, only to put potentially lethal concrete blocks with spikes in there? I mean, HOW sick and deranged does your mind need to be, to do that… In a forest, where men, women, kids are hiking… for fun…

It gave me shivers to the bone… That there is some sick fucked up insanely twisted people out there… Seriously…

OK, if you need something more uplifting after this, click the image below. I promise it is funny. Promise! Well, maybe not funny, perse, but not scary or fucked up like the above.. that I can promise you…

Have a great *cough* last *cough* day *cough* of *cough* the *cough* contest *cough* day!

I was out for dinner with a g/f the other night. We had loads to catch up on! Last time we did was pre-Long Distance Luvah The Guy & Cardiac Tests The Kid and also pre-Loads Of Stuff That Had Happened In Her Life.

So ya know… us girls… we need to catch up on shit… and a few months in between, that’s almost like a capital offense in Girlie Town…

So we went out to dinner together at one of the local bar-restaurants. We got a table for 2, got the menu, got a drink, and only stopped yacking if we reaaaaallly had to reply to a request of the waitress. Seriously! WTF!? What’s with all the questions? “Have you decided yet?”… “Are you finished?“… “Did you enjoy your meal?“… “Would you like to see the dessert menu?“… “Decaf?“… STFU! Alright already! Leave us in peace. Can’t you see we’re catching up? Sheesh!

Anyway, I digress. At the end of the evening I suddenly noticed this guy eyeballing us from the bar. Yeah, since the past few months that kinda stuff is not on the top of my conscious attention list anymore. I am taken. And so is the g/f. I made the colossal mistake looking at him unfortunately though… But ya know… Here we were… two 38 year old women… and there he was… he couldn’t have been a day over 16… well, hardly early 20’s then… maybe… So whatevah… What could happen? Nuttin…

However, he started to walk over to our table. Was that his moped helmet he just tripped over? He proceeded to stumble over to us and almost landed in my g/f’s lap. He scraped himself together again and then had the immortal opening line “Soooo, me and my friend over there, we think you are a hottie… and so is your friend over here… We would luv to show you girls a great time tonight. Waddayathink?”

* insert raunchy hip movements * (by him, nót us!)

O.M.F.G.!!! I choked in my espresso that virtually came snorting out my nose… and the g/f slapped her hand into her crotch in an attempt to stop herself from wetting herself while bawling with laughter… Almost simultaneously we looked up at him and said: “Hon, puh-lease. We would break you in half.. Rip you and your friend apart …“. I added: “And seriously, we wouldn’t want to have to tell your Momma’s“…

He looked at us, his face turned all Ferrari red shade (which, considering red shades, is a good one), I think I saw a tiny bit of steam come out of his ears and he crapped out: “Shit you women. Never taking us men seriously! I am sick of it!” (Men? what men? We only saw boys)

[insert rerun of espresso snorting and hand in crotch scene]

I looked up at him again after wiping the espresso splashes from my face, and continued: “Dude… Seriously! We could be your Mom! Come on! Now run along back to your LEGO’s”

He walked off, tripped over his moped helmet again (or was it a Spongebob bike helmet), slapped some money on the bar and left with his playdate buddy…

OMFG! Seriously! Even if I wás single I seriously wouldn’t WANT to be hit on by a 16 year old!!! Or whatever his age was… I am not sure what level of desperation he was at asking us out… Or what kinda sick sexual deviated behavior they’re suffering from…

It was funny though… I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time..

I was IM-ing with Jill the other day and we had one of those conversations that ultimately lands into a certain subject thru all kinds of weird “links” in stories… I am not sure how this one came about. I think it sorta went from bad blind date I once had, to adult guys worshipping Fitty Sent (yah, I knów that’s not how you spell it, but that’s how I say it), to posters in living rooms, to the movie 9 1/2 weeks…

So we ended up at “9 1/2 weeks”, the movie. I remember seeing that movie the first time ’round vividly. I was 16 years old and júst old enough to get into the cinema to see it. I think I went to see it with a few g/f’s. And seriously… for the 80’s… WOW! Blushes on cheeks… What am I saying? I think my head turned like a tomato and I wanted to look away but then really I didn’t… Hell Naw!

There is one scene though that looked totally particularly hot in 9 1/2 weeks that stuck into my mind. The Fridge Scene. And specifically the part where he lathers her all up in honey… And starts stroking her inner thighs

*THUMP*

Sorry, I fainted from the graphic memory there for a second… Anyway, it looks totally totally hot…

In real life though… Nah! Yuck! Blegh!!!

Believe me I’ve tried but its just not for me to be lathered up in honey, chocolate sauce, whipped cream and all that shit… Ugh… It’s sticky, it gets in everywhere, and have you ever experienced the stench of whipped cream after its been sprayed over a steaming body and heats up? It smells like warm over the due date milk!

Yeah, you can call me a spoil sport. STFU! Don’t think I am not adventurous in that area. This food and sex thing just has never done it for me really.

Then again… maybe I’ve not tried that with the right guy (heh), in the right way… who knows… Or maybe I have not tried the right substance yet?

Oh well, maybe it’s just me…

OK, I got several crank calls last night, almost lasting thruout the whole night. The serious kinda crank crank call… the “I am so horny”… the “who do you think I am”… the “you don’t know me but I know you” (well, all that in between the heavy breathing and stuff) kinda crank call…

I just listened mostly -because I was trying to figure out whether his voice was familiar to me, whether it was someone I know- and at some point in the phonecall he would hang up…

The first crank call came in at about 1.40 a.m. when I was passed out on the couch and I had stupidly picked up the phone without really checking who it was. So when he hung up I checked my “received calls” list but obviously it was an unlisted number…

It kept continuing virtually every half hour/45 min. Then it stopped until it started again in the early morning, just at dawn… I was still pretty groggy from just waking up -again- and just when I found myself hoping that this was the last of it cuz I was getting sick of it…

An sms came in… And guess what? I am not sure what it is like in your part of the world, but over here in Dutchyland… you can’t “unlist” your number when sending sms’es (txt messages)…

Can I just say…

BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[insert Dr Evil pinky gesture]

What an enormous fuckwad! What a totally stupid stupid stupid stupid asshole!!! What a dick! I couldn’t believe the stupidity of this obviously inexperienced crank! Sheesh! And he is not aware either that he fucked with the WRONG bitch now!

I thought of sending him an sms saying “Fuckwad! Don’t you know sending me an sms just gave me your number?“. But on the off chance that he is a really fucked up asshole, or that other possible off chance that this might have been just a one off, I decided against it… FOR NOW… I am still a single woman living alone… ya know…

Howeverrrrrr… The number is of the same mobile provider I am using so I dropped their Customer Service a line telling them I had been stalked by a freak, giving them the number and asking them to do something about it. I am waiting for them to get back to me…

The devil inside of me would want to publish the number right here IN this post. I decided to hold of on that one too… FOR NOW…But obviously, if any of you would like his number to “use” drop me a line… I will gladly give it to you! I would love your assistance in fucking this fuckwad up! Who would I be to stand in anyone’s way to do that… Anyone have a good idea?

Shit! Some boys ARE stupid!!! Aren’t they?