I went on some kinda doubledate-ish thingy yesterday… I was gonna go out to dinner with a girlfriend of mine, who informed me half an hour before I was due to be in the restaurant that she was bringing the hubs and “a really nice colleague of the hubs”… I could feel a disastrous matchmaking attempt coming on… You see: “hubs” is not really my kinda guy… and when I say that, that is thé understatement of the century. Yeah, STFU, I know this century has barely gotten to a start, but trust me… It’s a sure thing… So needless to say that I didn’t have high hopes for the “really nice colleague -slash- friend of the hubs”…
Still, I was really looking forward to seeing my girlfriend, and ok, given the fact that nothing happens if you don’t take a chance every once in a while, I thought I should get over myself and show up. So I did.
B.I.G. M.I.S.T.A.K.E.!!! HUGE HUGE MISTAKE!!!
I walked into the restaurant, looked around for my girlfriend, and sure enough I found her. I walked up to her and hugged her “hello”. In the corner of my eye I could see the “hubs” and “friend” at the bar. Hubs didn’t bother to come say hello and they just sat there all relaxed, and we’re oogling me from top to bottom… And then the first words out of the mouth of the “friend” were: “Sheesh, you were right, that is one fucking horny chick“. Yup, that pretty much set the tone for the evening… My girlfriend didn’t overhear it as she was trying to get us seated, but I did…
We sat down and I was seated opposite Mr Friend. Just before arriving at the table he grabbed my ass. HE GRABBED MY ASS!!! I grabbed his hand, firmly, I think I managed to draw some blood with my nails, and pushed it away from my ass, giving him the stare of death. Then he sat down and, finally, he introduced himself… Well, sorta… He pointed at himself and said: “Mike. You?”. WTF?! Does he speak in one-word sentences? I’m pretty sure his last name is “Caveman”. My girlfriend already looked like she could just die, so in order to save some of the evening I decided to try and not be a bitch and just get some small talk in. So we talked, all four of us, about ourselves, work, friends, and shit like that.
Bye the time we were halfway thru our main course I think that my skin was burning from all the oogling this guy did… He was actually doing so much staring that he spilled his food everywhere! Oh ok, that might have also been due to the fact that he clearly wasn’t brought up to speed about the use of cutlery. And please tell me: is there seriously any decent person left that actually tucks his napkin into the collar of his shirt?
He also found it necessary to slither his tongue at me and look all nasty eyed and mysterious about once every 15 minutes… WTF is up with that?!?!?!? I am not sure if any guy ever won over a woman like that, but I sure as hell am not one of those women! He then proceeded rubbing his leg against mine under the table… O.M.F.G.!!! My girlfriend was already too embarrased, so not to stir any shit for her sake, yet, I just moved my leg away from the reach of his… but not before I firmly hacked my heel into his toes…
Just before dessert “hubs” had to go “take a leak” as he announced it. Mind you, we were in a pretty fancy restaurant and me and the girlfriend, we were dying inside by now cuz of the guys’ behavior… For the life of me I can’t understand how those 2 ended up together, I guess he must either be really sweet or really good in bed, or maybe even both… So the “hubs” went to the bathroom and girlfriend’s phone rang. It was the babysitter, so she walked out of the restaurant to take the call. I was left with Mr Friend…
It had DISASTER writtten all over it, the anticipation of the next few minutes…
He looked at me and the following happened:
MrFriend: “Ah, finally, right?”
DutchBitch: “Ehm, sorry? Finally?”
MrFriend: “Finally we’re alone for a minute”
DutchBitch: “Oh right. Yes”
MrFriend: “So I guess we’ll go somewhere together after this? Your place or mine? *wink*”
DutchBitch: “I’m sorry, but I don’t think that is a good idea. I am not at all too sure we’re hitting it off here”
MrFriend: “Uh… you don’t? But X (a.k.a. “Hubs”) said you were a sure thing!”
*rubbing his leg against mine under table*
DutchBitch: “OK, you gotta stop it now! All of it: the oogling, the nasty tongue thing, the leg rubbing. It stops now! WTF kinda Neanderthal are you, anyway? Is that how you interact with women on a regular basis? Lemmetellya, it doesn’t work out well for ya”
MrFriend: “Oh come on. X said that you were a sure thing!”
DutchBitch: “Yes, you already said that. He was wrong”
MrFriend: *inaudible mumbling*
The girlfriend and hubs returned to the table and we finished dinner. The guys hardly said another word, got themselves drunk, and me and the girlfriend finished our conversation. At the end of the evening I said my goodbyes (mind you, the “hubs” still hadn’t said a word to me all night), I walked up to my car, got in, let out a sigh and drove off.
I talked to my girlfriend this morning. Apparently both “Hubs” and “MrFriend” had decided that I was the most frigid bitch alive. I’m fine with that. As long as you are the kinda guys that seriously even give indications like “Caveman” and “Neanderthal” a bad name, I am fine with you considering me a frigid bitch. If that means asshole fucktards like you will keep your sorry asses faaaar away from me, that is fiiiiiiine with me!
2) Send a break-up fax
