Yes, I Know I’m Late Because I Suck

Hi, it’s Karl and I was supposed to be the Grand Finale for the BlogJackin’ Week here at the Dutch Files. But, um, I am a douche.

My brain is clearly fried. This is the SECOND guest post I have forgotten in as many weeks. I cannot even begin to describe how long this took to put together, though if you read me on Twitter, you might have a teeny inkling.

And now…you get to see just what happened to me yesterday while I was putting this video together. It’s kind of an UNvideo blog, really.

And I TRIED to embed the video, but DutchBitch’s blog won’t let me. So here’s the link. (Dutchie pixie fixed the embedding problem)

Sebring: A Day in the Life (for DutchBitch) from Karl Erikson on Vimeo.

Jesus Was a Dutchman

In all the times I have posted for the fabulous DutchBitch, I have always sent her my entry and she will post it for me, timed and all. But this time, she gave me blog power. BWAHAHAHAHA! The things I can do. Of course, since I live in the United States, I forgot all about the time difference, so now, with my ideas in head, here I am scrambling to do a post. But first, let me introduce myself.

 My name is Lynda from Crazy, Nerdy, Beautiful, but you may remember me from such blogs as Lynda’s Great Journey or My Own Little World. Perhaps you have heard Dutchy talk about me. Or read my very first guestpost here, back in 2007 during Dutchy’s BlogExplosion days, when I talked about my coming to America from Holland. Or maybe you remember me telling you about how to recreate the Red Light District in your home during the 12 Days of Anarchy. I don’t know why I didn’t guest post for her last year, but it’s no matter because I was going through some shit of my own. In fact, that could be why.

Today, I was going to tell you all about swearing in Dutch, but Dutchy beat me to it. I had been planning it since she asked me, but since her post was even better than mine, I had to come up with something else. So, let’s talk about water and wooden shoes.

Holland is a small country, and to claim some land, they have pushed the water back from the sea so that the people can prosper and not have to unwantedly become citizens of Belgium, France or Germany. It has been this way for years and years and years, and more of the country is below sea level than above it. Now, if you know the story of Hans Brinker, you probably know he saved Holland by sticking his finger in the dike when he saw a leak, to prevent all of Holland from flooding. Rumor has it that after Hans saved Holland, he still enjoyed sticking his finger in dykes, but that’s a whole other tale. Maybe I’ll share that with you in another guest post….

Anyway, after Hans saved all of Holland from a great flood, a decision was made to mass produce wooden shoes. This way, if there was a national emergency, such as a dike leaking or breaking, the citizens of Holland can just walk across the water to higher grounds. Because wood floats, you see. How else do you think Jesus was able to walk on water? I mean, stuff like that doesn’t just happen!

So, next time  you are in Holland, and you really must visit Holland at least once in your life, be sure to pick up a pair of wooden shoes. It could be a life saver!

Photo Credits:
Hans Brinker photo: learndutch.org
Wooden shoes: www.scrapbookpages.com

Killing me softly…

Twas my day for BlogJacking
And all through my head,
Not a unique thought came,
I was full of such dread.

DutchBitch asked for a favor
While she’s gone to guest post.
Now here I am worried
With how to please her the most.

I’ve thought of it for weeks
Had ideas come and go.
Now the time is nigh
And my brain’s screaming, “FUCK NO!”

What time is it there?
How much is left on the clock?
Can I come up with something
‘Fore she takes aims at my… HEY!

Perhaps she’ll absolve me,
Let me off the hook this time.
She’d as soon bury me,
Cover my body in lime.

Can I run far, far away
Hide the rest of my life?
Nope, her friends will all find me
And cause far too much strife.

What the hell was I thinking
Accepting this damn chore?
The world will soon discover
I’m a helluva bore.

But write is what I will do,
I’ll make up something crass.
It may just sound cool
Not like it was pulled from my ass.

In my past writing gigs
I’ve attempted a poem.
That’s a great idea!
Now what the fuck rhymes with “poem”?

Who the hell am I fooling?
I have no writing skill.
May as well sit back
Make myself easier to kill.

I won’t put up a fight
Or make her hunt all that rough.
Disposing of my body
Will already be tough.

But should I survive,
Should DutchBitch have a heart,
I will try that much harder
Make kapgar.com somewhat smart.

I will sign off now
Before I get in too deep.
And hope against hope
Your good judgment’s still asleep.

Once Upon A Time…

Once upon a time there was a woman named Metalmom. She was not a spring chicken anymore and needed to keep up with the times. This meant that she had to learn about an invention called a computer and needed to learn about the internet. The easiest way to do this, (that didn’t bore her out of her mind) was to read blogs. Blogs made her laugh. Blogs made her think. Eventually, she had one of her own and made friends from all over.

But one friend stood out.

This friend came from far, far away. She lived in a place called Dutchlandia. Her life was very different from Metalmom’s life and yet it was alot the same. Both were moms. Both dealt with asshats and fucktards. So they began a friendship through the ethernet. They joined a placed called Facebook and their friendship grew.

Quite often, when this little Dutch girl was sad or frustrated or just missed having a man, Metalmom wanted to reach out to her friend. She wanted to hug her and kiss her tears away. But distance made this impossible. Eventually, Metalmom resigned herself to the belief that she would never meet her friend face to face but would settle for the bonds of the computer and an occasional game of Wordscraper.

Then one day, mutual friends had a party. This DutchBitch had an opportunity of a lifetime to fly across the world to be there. Metalmom was also invited to this party and come hell or high water, she was going to be there.

Dutchy flew and flew. Metalmom drove and drove.

In June their dream came true. They hugged and hugged and smiled and drank and hugged some more.
.
And that is how Metalmom met her dear friend DutchBitch.