The Dutch Files

It’s Dutch-A-Pimpin time again and this week mah bitch is British! Yah… A stiff upper lip Bitch-O-Dah-Week. Can you see her there? At the far right sidebar? That’s her! Penelope was one of the judges of the *Lather*Rinse*Repeat* photo contest. As a thank you to all 3 judges I’ve decided to pimp out all of their blogs and Penelope is first in line.

OK, so she’s not really a stiff upper lip. If anyone British I know doesn’t have that, it’s Penelope from It’s Me… Penelope. I’ve been reading her for a few months now and just by sheer chance we hooked up on chat someday. I just asked her whether she felt like chatting every now and then, cuz I figured we’d hit it off, and boy did we!. I think we can safely say that we talk e.v.e.r.y. s.i.n.g.l.e day… Multiple times… And we crack each other up… And we have TSBC (Top Secret Bitch Chat) together too… About stuff that will never be disclosed on either of our blogs… evah…

Oh, and we’re pretty sure we were separated at birth… What do you mean “that’s impossible?”… Yeah, I know we are 1 year apart… but you know… Something must’ve been fucked up there cuz I am telling ya, Ethel and I, we are twins! I am not shitting you. Who is Ethel? Oh, that’s just Penelope’s real name… (and she will try to convince you “Gertrude” is mine but don’t believe a word of that)…

Ethel is a kick-ass woman, that is funny, smart, compassionate and totally hot (come one! you knów you have all been drooling over her cleavage shots in the past week!). And I know that we are gonna meet up before the year is over. We are currently looking into flying my ass over to the UK after the summer and that promises to be a total crack-me-up weekend!

What more to tell you… well, I figured a story in pictures would be best to show you what else our dearest Ethel is all about…

Even though it is quite self explanatory once you get your asses over there and read her, but ok… There is NO Penelope without a glass of white wine in the one hand, a ciggy in the other, and her loins swaying to some Neil Diamond… Guys, I am telling ya… Once ND’s in the picture you can all pretty much fuck off, cuz she won’t have eyes for you at all… The red shoes are a new love in her life… and well the car… That’s what I imagine the car, that she almost runs over her cat with every day, to look like… I mean: she IS called Penelope (well, Ethel, really but we’ll overlook that for now)!

So go see her, just click the thumbnail in the far right sidebar and it will lead you to her… Make it quick cuz tonight she’ll be off drooling over that Diamond guy… I don’t think she could bring enuff panties to keep her dry tonight… Heh… Then obviously come back here… I promise the puke stench from yesterday will be gone by then… Promise!

There is still vacancies in the pimpin’ quarters for the upcoming weeks. Wanna be pimped? Don’t be shy… It won’t hurt… much… I promise!!! Go HERE for information!

I mean: “Happy Easter”… or umm… is it indeed Christmas?

It’s fucking snowing out here!!!

Great day to stay inside and relax! Especially after we froze our asses off in Amsterdam yesterday… (We were NOT walking ’round nekkid in Amsterdam! Get your dirty minds outta tha guttah!)

Happy Easter to allaya!

So ehm… is it normal for hang over symptoms to linger on for a second day? Well… just asking…

I had the greatest time at the NYE party at my g/f place. I had doubted going until about the last minute, but I am so glad I went.

Obviously I spent most of the morning baking Appelflappen (dough filled with apple and raisins), one of the traditional NYE foods here in Dutchyland. I love cooking, but baking is not my specialty and I had never made the buggers before, e-ver… I might say that it worked out well. The first batch was still a tad overbaked (read: black-ish) but the 2nd, 3rd and 4th batch were perfect! So I went over there carrying about 40 Appelflappen. They lasted until breakfast on January 1 and were especially a favorite with the kids attending the party.

The party was great. My g/f lives in an old farmhouse, with horses and all that shit that come with it. Me? I am NOT a big horse fan. I took riding lessons at 21 or so and was bitten by the horse camp horses numerous times and then I just threw in the towel. Fucking animals. However, the horses of my g/f have slowly won me over and I’ve warmed up to them over time.

There were a lot of nice people there. Some I met last year at the party also, some new people, all great. I was sharing a room with an acquaintance of my g/f (she’s the soon to be ex-wife of my g/f’s brother’s boyfriend… ya still with me?). She’s a few years my junior and smackdab in the middle of divorcing her husband. We hit it off very well. She turned out to be a great person and we had loads of fun.

My g/f is a great singer and has recently joined a group of people who play in a band in their free time. Some of the band members were there and brought their guitars.. Yay!!! So there was fucking great live music at the party!

And then there was mrs Red Wine, mrs Champagne, mr Smirnoff and some other friends whom I had fun with too. Shortly before midnight we had a countdown and then… it was 2008… Suddenly that year that had been so daunting to me was there… I hugged my roommate and then hugged all the other people at the party and we went outside to blow off the huge batch of fireworks that had been assembled outside. My mobile didn’t stop beeping of all the txt messages that kept coming in… And I was having so much fun that suddenly that daunting 2.0.0.8 didn’t seem that daunting anymore… More like a brandnew challenge waiting for me to take it up…

Little after midnight I joined my g/f to take a look at the horses. One of them was freaking out cuz of the fireworks. And… I never thought I would do it… I stayed at the stables for about half an hour and spent it soothing, hugging and kissing the horse. It put its head in my neck and just stood there… OMG! Me? DutchBitch who until recently couldn’t fucking stand horses? Miracles still do happen, I guess…

My roommate and I went to bed at 3 a.m. We took 2 courgettes from the kitchen “just in case” but we were too fucking tired to use them anyway. We managed to disrobe and get some sort of PJ’s on, drop into our respective beds, squeeze out a “goodnight” and we were off… At 09.30 a.m. we both woke up at about the same time, tried to sit upright and squeeled out a heartfelt “AAAAAHHHHH OMFG! My head!!!” and got back down again… I got up 10 min later to get an Advil 400 in and waited for it to kick in and then I had a shower, dressed, cleaned up my bedroom shit and went down for coffee… Loads of coffee… A hell of a lot of coffee…

We had breakfast with everyone that had been staying over (most of the guests) and at about 12.30 p.m. I got into my car and went back home, where I slammed down my stuff, got into my PJ’s again and vegetated on the couch basically…

I hope you had a great NYE too. I did!

I have no NY resolutions other than that I am going to make this a fucking great year for me and The Kid!!!

Now, I’ll be off. The Kid will be home after an absence since Dec 26. I got a lot of cuddling and hugging to do and then we’re off to see the family, whom due to circumstances (illnesses on both sides) I haven’t seen for WEEKS! Have a great day! Muah!

By the time this post goes out (yes, so I pre-dated it, STFU!) I will probably be sound asleep. I assume I will be in my bed, at my g/f place, for maybe the past 2-3 hours and hopefully for another 2-3 hours. Then I will join the group of friends in cleaning up our mess of last night and preparing a group breakfast, at which we’ll have a blast as well, if it is any near as good as last year… and then I’ll drive my tired ass home for about 1.5/2 hours and crash on my couch…

Happy New Year you sweeties! I LOVE YOU!

Welcome in 2008, let’s make it a great year!

Now that the year is drawing to a close, I always have the habit of thinking back. I don’t think back very often, but this just seems like the time of year my mind has a “mind of its own” and makes me think back…

I will be spending NYE at a girlfriends place. I’ve been at parties where I was the only single there, a few times. Being the only single there is a tad awkward at midnight when everyone is slobbering eachothers faces and you are there, with your glass of champagne in your hand, waiting for the first couple to be finished. Come to think of it, that’s usually the couple that is no longer a couple the next year… they don’t do the long slobbering kissing… They’ve come down to the peck on the cheek kinda NY kiss…

It made me think of the last NYE I spent with The Ex. Which was December 31, 2001. We split up 4 months later. At the time the relationship was already near cumbustion to say the least and the NYE party we attended… well… it was… ehm… kinda special to say the least… It was a fancy dress party and well, I don’t let anyone tell me thát twice, so I looked all pink… As the regulars over here might have noticed I am not at all the pink kinda gal, but I figured “if you gotta dress up you gotta dress up and go all out”… Right?

So I was dressed up in pink spandex pants (and trust me, I did NOT have the body for pink spandex pants at the time), a tight pink blouse (OK so the top buttons couldn’t have been closed even if I had wanted to, fuck that!), I think there was a purple bra under there, a pink tiny handbag, a pink cowboyhat, a pink feather boa, pink sunglasses, fake eyelashes, pink make-up and to top it off the highest fucking stiletto slingbacks the world has e-v-e-r seen!!!

Do you have the picture? Oh, I was about 45 pounds heavier than I am now, and I was a blond, a short haired blond… Got the full picture now? OK, for those of you without any fantasizing capabilities, here it is…

The party was at the home of one of our best friends, at the time. They were swingers and some of their friends were as well. We weren’t, and the party certainly wasn’t a swingers party, but you can imagine the stories slinging back and forth at the party. This group of swingers was very open about their “hobby” and we had a blast listening to their adventures. There was champagne, music, champagne, dancing, champagne, oliebollen, champagne, appelflappen, more music and dancing, oh and did I mention champagne? Yeah, that too.

Needless to say that it was a relief from our relationship shit that had been going on for the past year. We knew we were in a bad spot, but we had taken The Kid to my sister’s place for NYE and decided that whatever happened, we would have a great NYE. If we would go out, we’d go out with a bang.

We did… Well, I did, to be more precise…

We were staying the night and had been given a room at the top floor of their house. I was experiencing some shortness of breath due to some people smoking a lot and so shortly after midnight I went up upstairs to get some medication from my overnight bag. The Ex came after me to see how I was doing, we talked a bit (ok we had a snog), and then we decided to go downstairs again.

There I was, at the top of the stairs, ready to step down the stairs and… my stiletto heel got stuck in the seam of my blow-your-brains-out-pink spandex pants… I tripped… and I bolted down the stairs… I remember thinking “Oh!! My!!! Fucking!!! God!!!” and probably also “AAaAaaaaaaahhhhh!!!“. And at some point seeing some of my life flash by… I am not sure how many summer saults I did on the way down but I estimate it was 2 to 3, maybe 3.5… And then in the curve of the stairs I slammed my head into the wall, rolled to the end of the stairs and came to a halt…

I remember lying downstairs, totally conscious, thinking “OMFG… I survived!…. I think” and then everyone coming rushing from everywhere in the house because of the loud bang they heard… OK, so there were loud bangs going on outside, but this one was coming from inside… One of our friends is a medical doctor, in the medical center I work at in fact, and he had just arrived at the party. He walked in, just when I was getting myself up, surrounded by utterly shocked group of friends. I sat my big fat pink ass on the bottom step of the stairs and looked at everyone and said: “No worries, I am ok, I think“… He checked me over and decided that I had been one fucking lucky pink bitch… The fact that I had had some champagne had probably rolled me down the stairs pretty “relaxed” due to which I hadn’t broken a thing…

Then I looked at the wall next to the stairs and saw a GAPING hole the size of my head in there…

Still, the night was young and as I felt pretty much ok, I partied on for a few more hours. The next morning when I woke up… OOOOOOHHH MYYYYY GOOOOODDD!!! All my muscles had spasmed up and it turned out that I hád bitten my tongue on the way down… It took about 2 weeks for all the hematomas and shit to disappear and for me to be able to walk normally again… And due to the swollen tongue I talked like a drunken bum for 2 days.

I guess it was a sign… that I had gone into 2002 with a big bang… It turned out to be one of the worst years of my life… Still, I have good memories of that NYE. And I did look pretty in pink, didn’t I? Didn’t I?

All of you have a great NYE! Have fun and I’ll see you on the other side! I might wear slightly less high stilettos tonight… 2008 should be a helluvah great year! I just know it! No pair of stiletto heels is going to fuck up my entrance into 2008…