The Dutch Files

I was out for dinner with a g/f the other night. We had loads to catch up on! Last time we did was pre-Long Distance Luvah The Guy & Cardiac Tests The Kid and also pre-Loads Of Stuff That Had Happened In Her Life.

So ya know… us girls… we need to catch up on shit… and a few months in between, that’s almost like a capital offense in Girlie Town…

So we went out to dinner together at one of the local bar-restaurants. We got a table for 2, got the menu, got a drink, and only stopped yacking if we reaaaaallly had to reply to a request of the waitress. Seriously! WTF!? What’s with all the questions? “Have you decided yet?”… “Are you finished?“… “Did you enjoy your meal?“… “Would you like to see the dessert menu?“… “Decaf?“… STFU! Alright already! Leave us in peace. Can’t you see we’re catching up? Sheesh!

Anyway, I digress. At the end of the evening I suddenly noticed this guy eyeballing us from the bar. Yeah, since the past few months that kinda stuff is not on the top of my conscious attention list anymore. I am taken. And so is the g/f. I made the colossal mistake looking at him unfortunately though… But ya know… Here we were… two 38 year old women… and there he was… he couldn’t have been a day over 16… well, hardly early 20’s then… maybe… So whatevah… What could happen? Nuttin…

However, he started to walk over to our table. Was that his moped helmet he just tripped over? He proceeded to stumble over to us and almost landed in my g/f’s lap. He scraped himself together again and then had the immortal opening line “Soooo, me and my friend over there, we think you are a hottie… and so is your friend over here… We would luv to show you girls a great time tonight. Waddayathink?”

* insert raunchy hip movements * (by him, nót us!)

O.M.F.G.!!! I choked in my espresso that virtually came snorting out my nose… and the g/f slapped her hand into her crotch in an attempt to stop herself from wetting herself while bawling with laughter… Almost simultaneously we looked up at him and said: “Hon, puh-lease. We would break you in half.. Rip you and your friend apart …“. I added: “And seriously, we wouldn’t want to have to tell your Momma’s“…

He looked at us, his face turned all Ferrari red shade (which, considering red shades, is a good one), I think I saw a tiny bit of steam come out of his ears and he crapped out: “Shit you women. Never taking us men seriously! I am sick of it!” (Men? what men? We only saw boys)

[insert rerun of espresso snorting and hand in crotch scene]

I looked up at him again after wiping the espresso splashes from my face, and continued: “Dude… Seriously! We could be your Mom! Come on! Now run along back to your LEGO’s”

He walked off, tripped over his moped helmet again (or was it a Spongebob bike helmet), slapped some money on the bar and left with his playdate buddy…

OMFG! Seriously! Even if I wás single I seriously wouldn’t WANT to be hit on by a 16 year old!!! Or whatever his age was… I am not sure what level of desperation he was at asking us out… Or what kinda sick sexual deviated behavior they’re suffering from…

It was funny though… I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time..

I am not sure why [well, obviously I ám, but it's such a nice figure of speach] but I kinda like having this in my bathroom closet waiting for it’s “owner” to return…

Yah, you can gag now…

Go on! I can take it.. Whatevah…

As you all know (or maybe not, but take my word for it) I don’t have a penis, nor have I ever had one…

So in this matter I am going completely by the voluntary statement of The Kid during breakfast hear-say…

Apparently when you come from under a hot steamy shower, and you are thirsthy and you put your hands under the cold running water from the bathroom sink tap, drink the water and then right after it you touch your willy (WTF? What point would touching your willy after drinking cold water have, anyway, must be a guy thing) your face looks like this

DB: “Like what, sweetie?”

The Kid: “Mmmumm-like-mmblmbll-this… hurry.. mmbb.llll… take a picture… for your mbllbmmm blog!”

So there you go…

Like THIS:

[click to enlarge]

* GRIN *

WTF is it about Dutch convertible drivers and the first fucking ray of sunshine of the year?!?!?!

First of all, owning a convertible in Dutchyland is friggin’ useless. It rains every other day over here and even if it is a completely overcastless clear fucking hot day, a huge rainstorm can surprise you within minutes. Over the past week we’ve been having the first clear weather of the year. And I am tellin’ ya, the first fucking sprig of sunshine and they’re out there: convertible drivers…

WTF is that all about?!?!?!?! It can’t be about driving it comfortably cuz despite those rays of sunshine it’s fucking cold outside! It can’t be about being original cuz about every convertible owner is out there on the roads! And it sure as hell can’t be about coolnezzz cuz they are either pácked in several layers of warm clothes, a ski jacket, scarfs covering their whole faces -granted some of them manage to have some cewl sunglasses peep outta there- gloves, and hats, caps and whatever else they could find. And if they haven’t, they look like frigging smurfs, having turned blue from the cold. I am telling ya! It’s seriously fucked up to be driving a convertible in Dutchyland in February…

I’ll come with ya in a convertible when it’s warm enough to drive it comfortably and when I can sit in there with the top down (THE top down, not MY top down, sheesh! get your minds out of the gutter) without freezing my nipples off, and have my hair wave in the wind without it turning into icicles and breaking off…

Now get the fuck out of your insane convertible cars and put them away for that one or two great summer days that might turn up in a few months… That’s what it’s for, right? Right? I mean, some things are best experienced ice and ice cold -like vodka- but driving a convertible is not one of them…