U-Turn

So… the dirt on last night…

The date was actually fun… The guy is a very respectful, nice, funny man… And we had a good time. I walked away from the date with a general good feeling and a follow up date for Friday… but also with one thing bugging me… The fact that he felt it necessary to state, several times during the date, that he didn’t want to put a  “claim” on eachother… I asked him several times what he meant by that but his explanation didn’t really “explain” it… I was left with this nagging feeling that he actually meant more by saying that than he was letting on…

So this morning I called him and told him straight out that that particular part was bugging me. That I felt that it meant more than he was ready to admit… And turns out my gutt feeling was right. He basically told me he thinks I am a fantastic woman, that he thinks I am sweet, beautiful, sexy,  and all that, but that he is not ready to commit to exclusively dating anyone right now. No matter how great she is.

Thing is… we are talking widower here… and contrary to what he told me earlier, his wife has not passed away 2-3 years ago but not even 1.5-2 years ago. And he admitted that though he is ready to date, he is not ready to commit emotionally yet. That he has not dealt with the death of his wife, who was the love of is his life, sufficiently to be able to do that. That he wants to “look around” and “play the field” and is mostly looking for companionship and sex. So more like a Friend with Benefits… And he also admitted that even though *I* had been very upfront about not being up for casual and FWB, he had still made a date with me hoping that he might be able to convince me otherwise… He agreed that that had not been fair towards me…

Even though I think it is totally legitimate that in his situation he is not ready to commit emotionally. And even though he still offered me the FWB thing and told me that he was ready to pay my way whatever we do: dates, weekends away, vacations… He is still just looking for mostly sex… and some companionship… And honestly: I just can’t do that. However nice a guy would be and however tempting the prospect of having myself wined and dined for a while…

I did that… for several years in the first years after I got divorced. And though at the time that worked for me, it no longer does. It’s not that I need a ring on my finger or a guarantee things are going to work out with a man, but I need dating to be genuine. With both looking for a genuine relationship. Dating for me does not work if you want different things…Not even if I get treated to champagne, weekends in St Tropez. Because ultimately I would be doing something I really don’t want to do.  I would be betraying my own feelings and that would kill me.

So even though I don’t blame him for emotionally not being ready to commit… I have to be honest to myself and him and decide that I am. And I can’t do this… not even temporarily until I find someone else… It’s just not for me…

It has left me a tad sad and disillusioned again… Because it feels like no matter how honest I am myself upfront… I just can’t win this dating thing…

Here’s a thought…

I like being “ME”

I will never give up on being “ME”

But I miss being part of an “US” as well

Enough to want it badly

Not enough to settle for something that is not right

And lose “ME” in the process

Band Aid for the Soul

This Mondaynight, as I write this, has been a band aid for the soul. After date fail #1 and finding out today over email that potential date #2 was in the business of bullshit selling as well, I was feeling pretty down. I know I shouldn’t let it get to me like that, but things like this feel like it is never going to happen for me (at least not as long as I refuse to settle for lying assholes or distrusting jerks)…

While at the office, trying to avoid stabbing my eyes out of frustration in my last few days before summer break, I emailed The Mom as we have plans to go out for the day on Wednesday and asked her what she wanted to do. The Mom emailed back telling me to come over for dinner after work and we’d figure out plans for Wednesday. Initially, feeling so down and out, I didn’t feel like it much but I replied that I would and after work I went over there. We had a nice dinner, we talked about all kinds of stuff, and after dinner we went over to the town square and had a drink on one of the restaurant patio’s. It was still light and warm outside, and we were sitting on one of the lounge benches outside, first having a cappuccino and after that a nice glass of wine… After a while The Sis turned up. She was out with one of her neighbours (they go for a walk a few nights / week). They joined us for a drink, we had a talk and a laugh, which was fun. After they left, The Mom and I had another glass of wine. When we had finished our 2nd glass of wine, we paid the bill and, while it was slowly getting dark, we walked back to her apartment and decided to go to Delft on Wednesday for a city walk and lunch.

At her apartment I got my stuff, we said our goodbye’s and “see you Wednesday”, I got into my car, hooked up my iPod Touch, and one of my all time favourite songs, Big Log by Robert Plant, came on during the drive home…

And I felt at peace…

I had been feeling so shitty all Sundaynight and all day on Monday and this Mondaynight, spending it with The Mom and The Sis, some great food, a nice drink, good conversation, made me realize what is important. Family, friends, being healthy, being able to enjoy these little moments of bliss in life, another 5 sleeps and having The Kid back home: THAT’s what’s important…

If at some point I can share that with a wonderful man, who treats me with respect and loves me, that would be wonderful, but if not or until then… There is so much to be thankful for, there is so much in life to enjoy, there is so much I have that some people don’t…

This night in the company of my Mom and my sister was a Band Aid for the Soul… It truly was…

Five more days…

I am at the office. Have been for a few hours. There is still tons of work lying around. There is still no way to move on with that as everyone is already on summer break…

Right now I feel pretty much like this:

.

I am SO ready for The Kid to come home on Saturday, from his vacation with his dad, and my own summer break to start. Money is tight and seeing as the vet bill of last week and the upcoming bills for high school supplies for The Kid are not going to help that along, we won’t be travelling anywhere, but just having a few weeks off work and spending time with The Kid will be so wonderful (and we still have the Florida trip in October to look forward to so that’s ok).

I am SO fucking done with all the work crap and such… Just 5 more days and I am there… Five more days. Five more days. Five more days…