Have some sex-RESPECT! Puh-lease!

I was talking to one of my girlfriends who has landed herself a new FWB… Yes, we were talking about the awesome sex she had had the night before, something I vaguely remember from a long time ago…

We were also talking about how this guy had virtually ripped the lingerie she had chosen to wear off her body…

So, there is something that I need to put out to the (male) world right now and I decided to use my blog for what really is a public service announcement… So here goes.

These babies? –>

I (and many women with me, I presume) have no problem wearing those. In fact I, personally, adore wearing them. Cuz they makeh meh feel sexahy!

Still, there is something you should know about these. And about what a woman has endured for you when she’s wearing one of those.

THEY ARE AN ABSOLUTE BITCH TO GET ON!!!

They have about a kazillion hooks either on the back or the front of them. And trust me, I am not kidding. A k.a.z.i.l.l.i.o.n.! And thing with these hooks is that you have to fasten them one by one. But if you don’t get it right, straight away and just release the fabric even a little bit you will have fastened hook #15 and hook #2, 4, 8, 12, 13 and 14 will have popped open… and you need to start all over again… Getting one of these babies on is close to the same level as PMS-ing, I tell ya…

So… next time you have a wonderful night with your wife, significant other, girl FWB, blind date or just some raunchy chick you picked up from the bar, and she is wearing one of these? Have some respect. Please. It took her approx half an hour to get the bitch on and fastened, do NOT rip it off her body (aside from the fact that they are expensive buggars ‘n all). Admire it, enjoy it for a bit and then, when you reaaaaally want to, carefully unfasten it and take it off her body…

Just sayin’

Butt Freeze

OK, I am in serious danger of my butt crack freezing. I am NOT kidding you, really, I’m not. There’s a very real danger of that happening within the next few days… And well, I am sure that would not be a pretty sight… The DutchBitch Frozen Butt Crack… Do you?

My toilet, that is separate from the rest of my bathroom, is the only “room” in the appartment that has no central heating. It’s a little tiny room, obviously, as their is only a toilet and a small sink in there, but holy fucking shit it’s cold!!! And it’s the only room that I regularly visit with my pants down… and my butt exposed… ya know… cuz that’s just easier when you have to go… right?

Well, ok, I lied… I walk around in my bare nekkid ass (and most of my body bare nekkid) a lot of the time, in all the rooms in the house, not bothered by drapes not being closed or whatever, but that is a whole different story that we won’t “touch” right now as I am sure nobody really wants to hear about that.

Back to the issue at hand, or at butt rather. It’s fecking cold again in Dutchyland, several degrees (Celcius) below zero and it doesn’t look like it’s going to change anytime soon and I am freezing my butt off every time I damn well have to go to the toilet!!! So pray for my butt for the upcoming week, ok? Send it good vibes, and especially warm vibes as it has a lot to endure right now… And who knows what effect that will have on the DutchBitch butt…

Yeah, I just had to tell you. Aren’t you happy now to know that I have a cold ass?

The Nekkid Penile Facts

• A man orgasms on average about 7,2000 times in his life. About 2,000 of those instances are self inflicted handjobs…
• The above adds up to about 17 liters of sperm in total per man…
• The existence of sperm was discovered in 1677 by a Dutchman. The Dutch student Ludwig Hamm saw distinct movement when he decided to look at his own little puddle under a miscroscope…
• The average length of a human penis is about 15 cm (nearly 6 inches). In comparison: the average amongst gorilla’s is 8 cm (3 inches), horses 75 cm (29.5 inches), elephants 2 m (almost 79 inches) and blue whales 2.4 m (94 inches)…
• The average man has an erection while sleeping about every 90 minutes. That’s about 4-5 times per night…
• Research shows that masturbation is connected with level of education. The higher the level of education, the more masturbation. Scientists seem to be the Kings of Masturbation…
• About 1 in 100 men is able to selfpenetrate…
• About 2 in 1,000 men is able to self-fellate…
• In 1609 one Dr Wecker from Bologna found a body with 2 penisses… About 80 similar cases have been reported ever since..

Yeah, I thought you’d love to know about all this shit… Yeah, you’re welcome…

Although, working at a research department surrounded by scientists for almost 15 years now at the medical center is suddenly placed in a whole different light… It’s a miracle I am not up to my ears in sperm at the office, fucking hell!!!

And ehm… if you are one of those guys who can self penetrate and/or self fellate… Don’t send me pics… Puh-lease! Have fun, leave me out of it…

Squishhhh!!!

Remember THIS? My relaxing Spa day?

Yeah, it wasn’t as relaxing as I had hoped it would be…

First of all, the night before, I got into a huuuuuuuggggeeee fight with The Ex… Because when I went over to take The Kid to his place his motherfuckingassholefucktard dad.. WAS NOT AT HOME!!! I had this gut feeling all week that it was gonna go all apeshit. In fact, over a glass of red wine on Tuesday I was actually discussing all the Ex-shit with The Chief, as hís ex is similar. She in fact wasn’t home when he was supposed to take the kids over to her place after our trip to De Efteling… Our Ex-es are totally fucked up. They should be convicted to marry eachother… or summin’. So I was there last night, with The Kid, looked up at the appartment building and saw a totally dark dark dark appartment. Steam came from about every cavity of my body. You see, my gut feeling about the asshole Ex n.e.v.e.r fails me… Turns out that he had left his girlfriend’s place too late in the day and then got stuck in commuting traffic (funny thing, on a weekday between 5-6 p.m. right?)… Now you see, he arrived hours after the agreed time, so that means that he in fact wouldn’t even have been on time had he not been stuck in traffic… Fucktard asshole. I guess the girlfriend was, again, more important than his child.

So, needless to say that I was not in the best of moods last night. Nor was I this morning, cuz he had felt it necessary to send me a txt message saying I shouldn’t make such a big deal out of things like this, as it wasn’t like I had somebody at home waiting for me, so that couldn’t have been the problem *blank stare*… Well, fucker! I DO MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF THE FATHER OF MY CHILD MAKING MY CHILD FEEL LIKE SHIT! AND I ALSO MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF MY ASSHOLE FUCKTARD EX ACTING LIKE I DON’T HAVE A LIFE! There, I said it! Eat that!

I arrived at the spa, got undressed in the locker room, got out my bathrobe, my towels, my book, put my hair in a bun, and walked in, letting out a sigh of relief… Until I noticed… half of the spa was being renovated! WTF?! As I was really in need of relaxation and had already booked an hour massage, I decided to get over it and try to have a good time anyway… Which I did… for a moment… until the one and only fucktard in the spa had found its way to yours truly… I was in the shower and he got in the shower next to me. So far so good, until… he was looking at me with this sicko look. My fucktard radar was setting off the alarm immediately. I decided to ignore him… He decided to put the moves on me…

Spa Fucktard: “So ehm… you seem like a hottie… wanna get in the tub with me?“ *wink*
DutchBitch: “Ehm, no thanks. I’d prefer it if you just leave me in peace”
Spa Fucktard: “Oh come on. We could have a hot time”
DutchBitch: “Not interested”
Spa Fucktard: *touching my thigh* “Oh come on, baby. You look plenty naughty!”
DutchBitch: “Keep your paws of my body, fuck you very much!”

Then I walked off. He walked after me to the spa bar. The boss of the spa sure enough smelled exactly what was going on and came over to talk to me when I walked up there and darted Spa Fucktard a nasty look. I told Spa Boss what had happened and Spa Fucktard was escorted out of the building half an hour later. Yeah, I am not a self proclaimed Certified Fucktard Magnet for nuttin’!

I spent the rest of the day reading my book near the spa fireplace, having a few drinks, doing sauna, swimming and the 1 hour massage. With the masseuse that wouldn’t shut up… for one fucking second of the HOUR massage! Fuck That!

Then the highlight of my day came when I was going back to the lockerroom to check my mobile, which I always do when The Kid is with the Fucktard Ex, and on the way to my locker I slipped… I stepped into something squishy and moist, slid thru the lockerroom, was júst able to keep myself upright and recover… Then I looked to my left… nobody… I looked to my right… and sure enough there was a dad with his daughter… the daughter looked horrendous, white as a sheet and was bending forward, hands on her knees…

And then it dawned on me… I HAD FUCKING SLIPPED THRU HER VOMIT!!! There was fucking fresh wet chunky vomit squished all in between my toes, underneath my feet, everywhere!!! Eeeewwwwwwwwwww fucking eeeewwww!!! I was SO disgusted that at first I didn’t even hear the dad throwing as many “OMG I am so sorry!”-s at me as he could.

I decided that that was fucking IT! That my day at the spa was done! I took a shower, thoroughly cleaned my feet, useless as I think I can still smell the vomit on there, got into my clothes and went home…

So ehm… not a very relaxing spa day… Just my luck… Fucktards and vomit in between my toes… So how was your day?