The Dutch Files

Dear… Um, no… Hello… anyone there? Summer?,

Yes, this is addressed to you. You, that to me are going into your last day… Yes, I know you are not officially over yet, but hey! Let’s face it, we can’t actually say that you seriously started at any point in time either, now, can we? I mean WTF were you thinking?!!

You should be deeply ashamed of yourself!!! Still daring to go by the name Summer. Pfffrrtttt! You call thís summer? WTF? I think I’ve seen more rain in June, July and August than e.v.e.r. before! And I don’t think I’ve seen this little sun before either… Yeah, so fuck you! Summer! You ruined it all: annual office outing, annual school outing, school sports day, summer vacation, weekends. Fuck Fuck Fuck YOU!

What the hell!?!? What? Did you guys think it was fun to change seats? And just for fuck’s sake you changed places with Fall? Yeah, I guess. And knowing my luck Fall will think the joke is up after this and take it’s rightful place in line again and ya know… you will be passed over completely…

Or were you too busy looking at compromizing pics of Winter and Spring and jerking off while doing so? Goddammit!!! I mean, ya know, everyone’s got his or her needs but can you please fucking do that in your own time? There’s no need to punish us for your whacked libido, huh?

You better shape up next year, cuz I am not sure Mother Nature is amused either. I mean, you are goddammit fucking up her whole schedule! She’s having to rush left and right to damage control your ass, and not just here, but all over the world! Yeah, you didn’t stop to think about thát, now did you? And to be honest, I don’t envy you here. I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of a scorned Mother Nature. I mean, she ís a woman, afterall.

So SUCK IT UP, shape up and get back to what you were hired to do: give us nice temperatures, and sun! Loads of SUN! Kick some ass and get it right next time, cuz ya know… by now your job is seriously on the line and you are out dah door if you don’t fucking get it right and do your thang in 2009.

Oh, and if you decide to kinda shuv Fall aside for a few weeks and well… give us some preview of what is to come next year… ya know, the good kind, the getting it right kind… Be my guest.

If not, get the FUCK out of my face… Cuz this year’s summer has just been craptastic! And my stilletto’s are not afraid to kick your ass either! I’ve gotten re-acquainted with my umbrella, my rainboots, my sweaters and shit like that waaaaay too well over the past months!!!

Furiously Yours,

DutchBitch

I was on the way to the office the other day and was kinda pre-occupied. Which is a bad thing when you are driving, I agree… But I was… And then… I made a bad judgement in traffic. I decided to dash across the street where I had to go, just before a car coming on… Who in the end was going faster than I had thought he did…

There was no collision but a near one, which infuriated the guy coming up to me. He was right. It was a bad call on my part, I apologized to him… BUT, in the mean time a whole jam of traffic had built up behind me which made me be stuck in between his car and the jam behind me… who started honking their horns already… I rolled down my window… apologized again to the guy and asked him if he could scoot his car back up a few feet so I could get past him and solve the jam piling up behind me…

He refused!

I know, I know… it was obviously my fault… but I was stuck there now… I had already perfusely apologized to him, he had NO cars behind him… I had about a kazillion behind me, I could not move forward, not move back… and if he’d only move a few feet, all would be solved…

That bugs me… I mean, he was absolutely right that it was a stupid thing to do on my part but to be ass-stubborn to make your point that you should be the first one to pass now and therefore pile up a whole traffic jam that, if he doesn’t move, won’t go away by itself… That’s just STOOPID to me… It’s not because I need to have my way… It’s because if there is only one way to solve a problem… Just get over your stupid pride and get your head out of your ass and move!

He didn’t. He just rolled back up his window… made hand gestures that I should be the one to back up (to WHERE, motherfucker!?!?!?) and then decided upon intimidatingly staring at me…

Oh HELL NO! The intimidation thing? NOT a good thing with this bitch. Nu Uh… Intimidation cost me a lot, personally, a few years ago when I let a few people intimidate me into the worst situation a woman can be in. It took me a long time to get myself back together and it sometimes still comes back to haunt me… and well, I don’t “do well” on the intimidation thing at all ever since… It erks me… no, bugs me… no, infuriates me to n.o. e.n.d.!!! Cuz no matter what: intimidation is a bad thing… It’s a thing only people with their arrogant heads up their asses do to people that they feel are inferior to them…

So… with all the kazillion cars behind me honking… I opened my door and got out of my tiny car… and walked up to his big ass Beamer… and tapped his window… with the utmost coolness that I could provide… He looked up kinda weird… as if he had not expected the little woman to come up to him… He rolled down his window just a little bit… (was thís asshole too scared to roll it down further!? bwahahahaha). And this is what came out of my mouth:

“Listen.. you PRICK! I REALIZE that it was not the best call to try and dash in front of your car just now… YOU however know that I already apologized for that, MULTIPLE times”

he tried to mutter something that started with “but” and I didn’t let him…

“Ehm… NOPE. This is the part where you listen and I talk. See that jam behind my car? You KNOW that blocks me from backing up. See that void behind YOURS?… You know that it would be easy for you to back up. So even though you are right about the fact that I shouldn’t have tried to cross the road at that particular time, when you were approaching, kindly get your ARROGANT HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS and back the fuck up! The intimidation thing, where you stare at me from the closed window in the secure surroundings of the INSIDE of your car is NOT gonna work. If we have a stare stand off, we are gonna be here for a LONG time. That is unless we get killed off by the Mob behind me first… MOVE FUCKER!”

He rolled his window back up… he moved… then I passed him… and the whole jam behind me passed him and all was peaceful again in Dutchyland…

• If you are going right at the traffic lights, get into the RIGHT lane… NOT first in the left lane only to block up traffic in there while you are desperately trying to squeeze your big ass car into the traffic jam in the right lane.. EVERY FUCKING MORNING!
• When overtaking a car in the left lane, make sure you can actually speed up enough to not block up the whole friggin highway… And then do NOT look angry at people passing you at the right, for Fuck’s Sake! They are doing that cuz your ass won’t speed up!
• Do not pass the whole traffic jam at the exit to the medical center and expect the car all in front, who actually HAS been waiting for a friggin half an hour to get off the exit and not been creeping past all the other cars, to let you cut in line… Suck it up!
• When arriving at the parking facility try actually driving to the entrance that you got in the lane for. That’ll be either the left one, the middle one, or the right one. Do NOT, when the lane you chose is taking too long, turn your car and smash it into one of the other lanes without lookin BEHIND you to see whether someone else is in that lane actually approaching the entrance!
• If you don’t know how to get up a ramp out of standing still without your car backing up into the car behind you, ever fucking floor of the parking facility, do NOT drive up the ramp until you can see the floor up there is clear and you can actually get up the ramp in one go!
• Driving ’round in the parking facility in the morning, when everyone is trying to get to the office in time, do NOT start a conversation with that fun colleague of yours that happens to pass your car while walking to the elevators. THERE is a whole fucking row of other medical center employees trying to get their car parked behind you!

Yah… That was my morning on the way to the office. Did I just vouch a few days ago to keep stress level to a minimum until my holiday starts? I mean, work with me people! I can’t achieve that if you keep pulling this shit every day! KTHNXBAI!

Can you? Cuz I can… I CAN!!!

And holy shit am I read for it! The Backstabbing Bitch has me going in-sane at the office over the past weeks and yesterday it reached its ultimate high… I will spare you the details, but I was ready to implode… or explode!!! These are the times that I hate hate hate hate hate working for a government institute, which has strict rules about firing people and at which it is so fucking hard to fire someone even if she’s clearly majorly dysfunctional, even when making 6,000 euros disappear into thin air (read: the financial Bermuda triangle of the medical center) cuz she ágain had to stick her nose in and occupy herself with work she is not qualified to do… Today, at her last day before a week’s holiday she had the nerve to ask me to let her go home 2 hours early cuz she was out of things to do (read; things she likes doing). I declined her request -which I guess was a kind of verbal bitchslap to her- and ended up with a nasty furious twat at the desk next to me for 2 hours… I couldn’t have cared less. If someone does not have any clue of how to handle themselves in the workplace, I don’t give a shit that that person is angry for not getting her way… By the sounds of her phoneconversation with her husband 10 min later I gathered that she had not expected me to say “No” and by doing so I had apparently fucked up family plans… Well, I am working my fucking ass off, so read my lips, bitch: “BITE ME!”…

There… whew…

So that 3 day weekend that The Kid’s school decided on… (well, actually 4 day weekend but I have to work on Monday and The Kid will be at his dad’s) for some hazy reason couldn’t have come at a better time. I still have to do some work cuz damage controlling the afore mentioned bitch’s ass has cost me so much time over the past week that I had to take work home for the weekend, but at least I am out of that place for a few days… I need air… and space… for now…

It’s now Thursdayevening as I write this. I’ve been taking care of myself and The Kid… We’ve gotten ourselves some yummy take-out. Then we walked over to the town center and bought The Kid an orange lioncap -a Welpie Pet- that he can wear when Dutchyland plays the quarterfinals in the European Soccer Championship on Saturday. I bought 4 brandnew martiniglasses that were on sale at the local liquor store (Hooonnnnnn!!! I need me a barman to mix me Dirty Martini’s soon!). We got ourselves a dvd and then walked home again in the breezy summer evening. I have lathered my ass up in Delicious Self Tanning Cream for the first time (Thanks for the tip, Pen! and Hon? No worries, even with this creme I couldn’t touch your tan… evah… *pout*). Both The Kid and I have dipped our feet in our home-bubblebath-footbath, and then we got our asses on the couch in our PJ’s to watch the latest Garfield flick… Ahhhhhhhhhhh…

Friday (well, by the time you read this it’s “today”) is not for working, we’ve decided. If the weather is not too bad I am taking The Kid to a themeparc near here and we’ll be riding the rollercoaster, the waterspin, the “splash” (though jury’s still out on that one, I don’t like rides that will get me wet… well, not themeparc rides anyway… you know… err… well, umm… you get my drift…). If the weather is a bummer I will be heading over to The Hague to one of my best g/f’s -SLASH- colleagues, who has a 2.5 year old son, and the 4 of us will venture out together for the day. In any case, we’ll be out and about and relaxing, that’s for sure!

Hmmm… let me finish that coffee… and then pop open a bottle of wine… The 3 day weekend has commenced!!! Yay us!!! There is only one thing that could make this weekend better (yeah, go ahead, barf)… Just one person… heh…

I am leaving you with a Maxine cartoon cuz it’s got the right idea! See y’all tomororw!!! When Dutch-A-Pimpin is starting up again after a week’s hiatus!

— UPDATE —
Yah, DutchBitch here… Though we spent a good 3 hrs in the themeparc anyway… I had to cut the trip short cuz some fucking ass kid barfed all over my bag… And when I say all over… I mean ALL OVER… And lemmetellya… Cleaning up your own kid’s puke is bad… but picking and washing off someone else’s kids puke from your belongings… is just… VILE!!!

God Fucking Dammit Crap FUCK

F.U.C.K.!!!

From the bottom of my heart! And from my toes, my ass and boobies!

I just spend a whole fucking afternoon wasting my time! Totally wasting my time! Seriously… I love working here at the medical center, I have not been here for over 15 years for no reason but their policy on applications and training just royally sucks A.S.S.

It’s not like I am busy enough already. I work 2.1 job already with Backstabbing Bitch fucking up all the time, and my own job being more than one man’s girl’s work anyway… and assisting various other colleagues at other depts as they have nobody to show them the ropes and “DutchBitch’ll do it” just seems to be about the most used phrase in the whole of the medical center…

I am all ok with that. It’s exhausting at times, what with being a single mum and having several extra jobs aside from my main one, but I am used to it. However, I do not need some fucking asshole wasting a complete afternoon of office time for nuttin’…

The Chief and I use the medical center’s Management Information System to keep track of personnel stuff and especially our finances. It gives us the financial flow of all our grants into detail. The other day we got an email to get our asses signed up for an application course for the MIS system as they were upgrading and we would not get access to the upgraded version before attending the course. A 4-hour course… FOUR HOURS! To get us up to speed with the changes made in the upgrade. Are you friggin’ kidding me?

There was no way around it though… So we signed up for the first available course date and sure enough on Tuesdayafternoon at 1 p.m. we were there: the MIS update course…

I had to fight boredom and dozing off about every friggin minute. The guy teaching the course was excrutiatingly boring and totally full of himself at the same time. He started telling us all the Duh-stuff… the stuff that could at least saved us an hour of the course… Then he proceeded to show us how to create financial and personnel reports and analytic cubes.. Yah… I hear ya… Ugh… He also showed us how to omit results from the reports and cubes that you don’t want to see… I thought The Chief was gonna choke and consequently grab hold of the left side of his chest! Being an epidemiologist and working with statistics and analytical data all the time… well, omitting data “you don’t want” or that is “complicating things” is about the capitalest of offenses in Epidemiology world…

But that’s not even the worst. It gets better… Get ready for this… Because even though I had already feared this and had specifically ásked the course coordinator about it, who insisted that that was not the case…

WE SPENT GODDAMMITFUCKING FOUR HOURS ATTENDING THIS COURSE ONLY TO FIND OUT THE FUNCTIONALITIES WITHIN THIS APPLICATION THAT WE USE HAVE BEEN GODFUCKINGDAMMIT OMITTED FROM THE APPLICATION!!!

Someone is gonna get it for this, and get his reports and analytical cubes shuv’d up his ass. I can think of a kazzilion ways to have used that whole afternoon so much better than this! And their coffee stank too… and the cookies too… Well, at least now I know how to use that application update that I am never gonna make use of again… And I now need to register for another course for a new program that the functionalities we need have been transferred to… yah… KTHNXBYE…

Wish me luck. This p.m. we’ll get a call from the Pediatrics Cardiologist about the results of The Kid’s cycling test and the Holter ECG earlier this week. Fingers crossed for me, OK, and your toes, and legs, and arms, and boobies, and balls and if you’re 2 guys, maybe you can try crossing your penisses for us too… We do with all the good luck we can get…

UPDATE 8.00 p.m. Dutch time: Results of the test just came in! Everything O.K. for now. No signs of the syndrome being active have been found. Next check up: 2009! Yay!!!! Thanks for all your well wishes and thinking of us!!!