The Dutch Files

• If you are going right at the traffic lights, get into the RIGHT lane… NOT first in the left lane only to block up traffic in there while you are desperately trying to squeeze your big ass car into the traffic jam in the right lane.. EVERY FUCKING MORNING!
• When overtaking a car in the left lane, make sure you can actually speed up enough to not block up the whole friggin highway… And then do NOT look angry at people passing you at the right, for Fuck’s Sake! They are doing that cuz your ass won’t speed up!
• Do not pass the whole traffic jam at the exit to the medical center and expect the car all in front, who actually HAS been waiting for a friggin half an hour to get off the exit and not been creeping past all the other cars, to let you cut in line… Suck it up!
• When arriving at the parking facility try actually driving to the entrance that you got in the lane for. That’ll be either the left one, the middle one, or the right one. Do NOT, when the lane you chose is taking too long, turn your car and smash it into one of the other lanes without lookin BEHIND you to see whether someone else is in that lane actually approaching the entrance!
• If you don’t know how to get up a ramp out of standing still without your car backing up into the car behind you, ever fucking floor of the parking facility, do NOT drive up the ramp until you can see the floor up there is clear and you can actually get up the ramp in one go!
• Driving ’round in the parking facility in the morning, when everyone is trying to get to the office in time, do NOT start a conversation with that fun colleague of yours that happens to pass your car while walking to the elevators. THERE is a whole fucking row of other medical center employees trying to get their car parked behind you!

Yah… That was my morning on the way to the office. Did I just vouch a few days ago to keep stress level to a minimum until my holiday starts? I mean, work with me people! I can’t achieve that if you keep pulling this shit every day! KTHNXBAI!

Can you? Cuz I can… I CAN!!!

And holy shit am I read for it! The Backstabbing Bitch has me going in-sane at the office over the past weeks and yesterday it reached its ultimate high… I will spare you the details, but I was ready to implode… or explode!!! These are the times that I hate hate hate hate hate working for a government institute, which has strict rules about firing people and at which it is so fucking hard to fire someone even if she’s clearly majorly dysfunctional, even when making 6,000 euros disappear into thin air (read: the financial Bermuda triangle of the medical center) cuz she ágain had to stick her nose in and occupy herself with work she is not qualified to do… Today, at her last day before a week’s holiday she had the nerve to ask me to let her go home 2 hours early cuz she was out of things to do (read; things she likes doing). I declined her request -which I guess was a kind of verbal bitchslap to her- and ended up with a nasty furious twat at the desk next to me for 2 hours… I couldn’t have cared less. If someone does not have any clue of how to handle themselves in the workplace, I don’t give a shit that that person is angry for not getting her way… By the sounds of her phoneconversation with her husband 10 min later I gathered that she had not expected me to say “No” and by doing so I had apparently fucked up family plans… Well, I am working my fucking ass off, so read my lips, bitch: “BITE ME!”…

There… whew…

So that 3 day weekend that The Kid’s school decided on… (well, actually 4 day weekend but I have to work on Monday and The Kid will be at his dad’s) for some hazy reason couldn’t have come at a better time. I still have to do some work cuz damage controlling the afore mentioned bitch’s ass has cost me so much time over the past week that I had to take work home for the weekend, but at least I am out of that place for a few days… I need air… and space… for now…

It’s now Thursdayevening as I write this. I’ve been taking care of myself and The Kid… We’ve gotten ourselves some yummy take-out. Then we walked over to the town center and bought The Kid an orange lioncap -a Welpie Pet- that he can wear when Dutchyland plays the quarterfinals in the European Soccer Championship on Saturday. I bought 4 brandnew martiniglasses that were on sale at the local liquor store (Hooonnnnnn!!! I need me a barman to mix me Dirty Martini’s soon!). We got ourselves a dvd and then walked home again in the breezy summer evening. I have lathered my ass up in Delicious Self Tanning Cream for the first time (Thanks for the tip, Pen! and Hon? No worries, even with this creme I couldn’t touch your tan… evah… *pout*). Both The Kid and I have dipped our feet in our home-bubblebath-footbath, and then we got our asses on the couch in our PJ’s to watch the latest Garfield flick… Ahhhhhhhhhhh…

Friday (well, by the time you read this it’s “today”) is not for working, we’ve decided. If the weather is not too bad I am taking The Kid to a themeparc near here and we’ll be riding the rollercoaster, the waterspin, the “splash” (though jury’s still out on that one, I don’t like rides that will get me wet… well, not themeparc rides anyway… you know… err… well, umm… you get my drift…). If the weather is a bummer I will be heading over to The Hague to one of my best g/f’s -SLASH- colleagues, who has a 2.5 year old son, and the 4 of us will venture out together for the day. In any case, we’ll be out and about and relaxing, that’s for sure!

Hmmm… let me finish that coffee… and then pop open a bottle of wine… The 3 day weekend has commenced!!! Yay us!!! There is only one thing that could make this weekend better (yeah, go ahead, barf)… Just one person… heh…

I am leaving you with a Maxine cartoon cuz it’s got the right idea! See y’all tomororw!!! When Dutch-A-Pimpin is starting up again after a week’s hiatus!

— UPDATE —
Yah, DutchBitch here… Though we spent a good 3 hrs in the themeparc anyway… I had to cut the trip short cuz some fucking ass kid barfed all over my bag… And when I say all over… I mean ALL OVER… And lemmetellya… Cleaning up your own kid’s puke is bad… but picking and washing off someone else’s kids puke from your belongings… is just… VILE!!!

God Fucking Dammit Crap FUCK

F.U.C.K.!!!

From the bottom of my heart! And from my toes, my ass and boobies!

I just spend a whole fucking afternoon wasting my time! Totally wasting my time! Seriously… I love working here at the medical center, I have not been here for over 15 years for no reason but their policy on applications and training just royally sucks A.S.S.

It’s not like I am busy enough already. I work 2.1 job already with Backstabbing Bitch fucking up all the time, and my own job being more than one man’s girl’s work anyway… and assisting various other colleagues at other depts as they have nobody to show them the ropes and “DutchBitch’ll do it” just seems to be about the most used phrase in the whole of the medical center…

I am all ok with that. It’s exhausting at times, what with being a single mum and having several extra jobs aside from my main one, but I am used to it. However, I do not need some fucking asshole wasting a complete afternoon of office time for nuttin’…

The Chief and I use the medical center’s Management Information System to keep track of personnel stuff and especially our finances. It gives us the financial flow of all our grants into detail. The other day we got an email to get our asses signed up for an application course for the MIS system as they were upgrading and we would not get access to the upgraded version before attending the course. A 4-hour course… FOUR HOURS! To get us up to speed with the changes made in the upgrade. Are you friggin’ kidding me?

There was no way around it though… So we signed up for the first available course date and sure enough on Tuesdayafternoon at 1 p.m. we were there: the MIS update course…

I had to fight boredom and dozing off about every friggin minute. The guy teaching the course was excrutiatingly boring and totally full of himself at the same time. He started telling us all the Duh-stuff… the stuff that could at least saved us an hour of the course… Then he proceeded to show us how to create financial and personnel reports and analytic cubes.. Yah… I hear ya… Ugh… He also showed us how to omit results from the reports and cubes that you don’t want to see… I thought The Chief was gonna choke and consequently grab hold of the left side of his chest! Being an epidemiologist and working with statistics and analytical data all the time… well, omitting data “you don’t want” or that is “complicating things” is about the capitalest of offenses in Epidemiology world…

But that’s not even the worst. It gets better… Get ready for this… Because even though I had already feared this and had specifically ásked the course coordinator about it, who insisted that that was not the case…

WE SPENT GODDAMMITFUCKING FOUR HOURS ATTENDING THIS COURSE ONLY TO FIND OUT THE FUNCTIONALITIES WITHIN THIS APPLICATION THAT WE USE HAVE BEEN GODFUCKINGDAMMIT OMITTED FROM THE APPLICATION!!!

Someone is gonna get it for this, and get his reports and analytical cubes shuv’d up his ass. I can think of a kazzilion ways to have used that whole afternoon so much better than this! And their coffee stank too… and the cookies too… Well, at least now I know how to use that application update that I am never gonna make use of again… And I now need to register for another course for a new program that the functionalities we need have been transferred to… yah… KTHNXBYE…

Wish me luck. This p.m. we’ll get a call from the Pediatrics Cardiologist about the results of The Kid’s cycling test and the Holter ECG earlier this week. Fingers crossed for me, OK, and your toes, and legs, and arms, and boobies, and balls and if you’re 2 guys, maybe you can try crossing your penisses for us too… We do with all the good luck we can get…

UPDATE 8.00 p.m. Dutch time: Results of the test just came in! Everything O.K. for now. No signs of the syndrome being active have been found. Next check up: 2009! Yay!!!! Thanks for all your well wishes and thinking of us!!!

OK… if you have tender eardrums, cover them up now… Done?

‘Key…

HOLYFUCKINGMOTHEROFGODCRAPFUCKING

CHRISTSHITCUNTCRAPGODDAMMITFUCKKKKK!!!

* sigh *

Anyone ever heard of “DEP protocol” within Windows? Yeah, like that. Now, now, now, don’t go on an all Vista rant with me now, cuz it’s in XP as well…

Seriously? The person that ever invented DEP should be fucking SHOT! SHOT SHOT SHOT Muthafucking SHOT I tell you! And I will be happy to pull the trigger for ya… NOOOOOOOOOEUEUEUH problem!

DEP is a protocol that supposedly is meant to “protect” Windows from “potentialy security hazardous actions” by applications. What it really does is fuck up and block and freeze up just those applications that you really really really need or really really really want to use…

A few weeks ago, when The Guy was here, I already had a huge friggin’ fight with my laptop trying to get Adobe Acrobat Professional to work. I need it for office purposes and also for the extra work that I do aside from my fulltime job: lay out for PhD thesises. I need it to put the layout in a final document to send to the printer’s office.

We didn’t manage to solve the problem. And lemmetellya… I am usually able to solve most of that shit myself, I couldn’t. BUT if The Guy can’t… The shit is fucked up. We surfed the internet for discussion forums on the subject and one of them had had some luck re-installing the program. I tried that the other day and it worked. However, I now need to re-install it after e.v.e.r.y friggin Windows update…

* rolling eyes *

Today however (yesterday when you all read this) I tried to get a brandnew webcam set up. My old one didn’t have a microphone and ya know… it’s nice to be able to talk to one another if you are thousands of miles apart… Right?

I managed to guide the installation thru all the DEP and Vista pitfalls (cuz there are many but I’ve figured out how to avoid those by now) and got the webcam working! Both image and sound! I was all “W00h00″ about that but ob-vi-fucking-ous-ly that was yay-ing to early…

I tried to set the webcam up on Windows Live Messenger. My old one worked on there, we had already tried that, but me typing and The Guy talking is just… nah… So I had The Kid switch on his PC, Messenger and webcam (old blurry one, only working thru XP) and I did the same. I logged on, started a videoconversation with The Kid and…

… Messenger froze, then closed down by itself, and sure enough… there it was… “DEP protocol was forced to shut down Windows Live Messenger as it was performing potentially harmful acts“… I guess Messenger was jerking off by itself and Windows was afraid to get all sprayed… or whatevah…

I’ve tried it all. Even shutting down the DEP protocol thru the Command Prompt but Windows has sure done their best securing that sucker… I wish they would pay as much attention to the user-friendliness of their fucking programs!!! Sheesh!!! Fuck THAT!!! My next laptop is gonna be an Apple! There! Suck that up!

I am by now ready to throw myself off a cliff… Right after I hunt down the fucker that invented DEP and shoot him… or her… whatever… Good thing we don’t have any cliffs over here…

Godfuckingdammit! I need a Xanax and a lie down… And a foot rub… and an all body massage…

Hoooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!! Can you just come over here please? In the flesh? Instead of all this webcam shit!?!? And does anyone have a cure for severely bloodshot eyes? Please?

Dear Asshole Stairs Guy,

Next time you walk down the stairs behind me, those parking facility stairs, on an early office morning and feel “stuck” behind me… mumbling “%@!! fucking practical those are %@!! those fucking high heeled shoes %@!! don’t know why the hell women wear them anyway %@!! and then taking the fucking stairs %@!!”

Remember this:

• This IS a free country last time I checked
• Stop whining. I walk down stairs on heels as fast as the next person.
• You CAN in fact kick it up a notch and pass me on the left side of the staircase, plenty of room
• I take the stairs on my way down from the 9th floor cuz it’s about the only exercise I DO get on a typical day in the office: walking stairs
• I wear the fucking high heeled shoes cuz I like wearing them
• And guess what, if you would get your head out of your ass for a second you’d notice: I look fucking good in them!
• Which can’t be said for you who couldn’t even be bothered to neatly zip up yer pants
• Nor find a matching pair of socks
• Nor find a comb to run thru your hair
• You KNOW you love a woman wearing fucking high heeled shoes when it suits you
• and finally: Let’s see you do any better walking down shitty parking facility concrete stairs in 4-5 INCH HEELS!!! You’ll trip and fall flat on your shitface face

Yah! That’s it… Fuck off! Next time I will “let” you pass me on the stairs, happily, so I can plant my heels in your big fat asshole ass, just before I dropkick you down those stairs and walk allllll over you…