The Dutch Files

OK, it’s time for a brandnew traffic rant. One about something that has been bothering me for a while but just popped up back into my head again yesterday morning on the way to the office, when I yet again encountered it several times…

I am not sure about all the non-Dutch territories but in Dutchyland you are required to use your turn signal whenever you change lanes. No matter whether you are changing from right to left or from left to right… or from right to middle to left to right (ehmm… after going thru middle again I guess)… no - matter - what…

Yeah, so… ya know… it’s always the same ones, right? I am not knocking anyone with vehicles alike but it mostly seems to be the ones with the big ass SUV’s, the big ass Mercedes’s, Volvo’s and BMW’s, the big ass business cars… The arrogant “I Own The Road” kinda drivers…

So this is gonna be short and sweet cuz you know I am directing this at you… You know you are the ones NOT doing what the Dutch traffic rules tell ya to do… You know you are the ones that apparently still need explanation on HOW to make use of our roads safely… Who still need someone to point out to you that in the busy traffic that we are all in nowadays, not abiding by a simple tiny rule like that you are in fact endangering your own lives and that of the many other users of the Dutch roads… Well, not ALL users on ALL roads at the same time but certainly on the road you are on at the time…

So let me explain this to you once again:

LETTING YOUR TURN SIGNAL *FLASH* JUST THE ONCE, VERY QUICKLY AND HARDLY NOTICABLE, THEN JERKING YOUR STEERING WHEEL AND THROWING YOUR CAR IN FRONT OF THE CAR IN THE LANE YOU ARE CHANGING TO, WITHOUT EVEN KEEPING THE NECESSARY DISTANCE, IS NOT THE SAME (IN FACT, NOT EVEN CLOSE) AS LETTING YOUR FELLOW DRIVERS ON THE ROAD KNOW IN AMPLE TIME THAT YOU ARE GONNA CHANGE LANES!!!

Just sayin’…

And FYI: thát was the reason for me giving you the finger yesterdaymorning…

It’s Saturdaynight and I’ve just come back from what feels like the kazillionth office function these past weeks… on a friggin’ Saturday… It was a party of one of your PhD students that had her public defense this past week and can now call herself Dr. I also did her thesis lay out. She had a BBQ in the huge garden of her dad’s house in well… the Gold Coast of Dutchyland. It was a nice party, which due to it being outside in a garden enabled many of us to bring our kids, which was awesome. Other than that it’s the kind of party that I usually spend talking to colleagues and ex-colleagues and former PhD students… and being ignored by the ranks of those who became total arrogant bastards who have made it to Dr or Professor and decided that it is no longer cool to talk to me, being the “mere management-assistant”… Ah, I still remember the times when they needed my assistance and couldn’t afford arrogance… fucking bastards…

Anyway, that is not what today’s post is about. Yesterday I promised let you know what happened to my left foot. It was run over… by a total fucktard… in a fucktard fitting big ass car… on Friday.

I was attending a symposium on Friday and had hurried to the symposium location after dropping off The Kid at school. I was there just in time and rushed my car into the parking facility of the hotel that was hosting the symposium. I drove it into the parking spot backwards and while I was doing so (in one go I might ad, as I mostly do) some fucking asshole was not paying attention and álmost ran the front of his car into the front of my car júst before I had completely backed it up into the parking spot… I didn’t care. I noticed that he probably hadn’t been paying sufficient attention but ya know… all’s well that end’s well, so I wasn’t upset or angry. I just finished parking my car, got out and there he was… the fucktard driver…

He put his window down and started yelling at me about me being a bitch and not paying attention and almost running into him. I carefully but surely informed him that it was actually me parking and hím almost running into mé… He shouted at me again, gave me the once over… (what the hell is that with men! no matter what state of mind they are in, they háve to give you the once over before they leave you in peace, sheesh)… and then drove off

BACKING HIS FUCKING BIG ASS SUV UP, OVER MY LEFT FOOT!!!

Well, lets just say that I blurted out some forceful terms, and not in a quiet manner… And I think I ended my sentence with “fucking asshole!” and kicking his tire with my other foot. Holy Fucking Shit! Have you e.v.e.r. had a big ass car drive over your foot? I cannot recommend it.. seriously…

He backed up again, I managed to get my foot out of the way in time, this time, and put his window down again and asked me what the hell I was kicking his tire for…

BECAUSE YOU JUST BACKED YOUR FUCKING BIG ASS SUV OVER MY FOOT, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

He replied with: “oh, get over it you bitch”, put his window down and then fled the scene.. I was so stupified that I didn’t even get his licence plate number… My foot was hurting like hell, but I figured it was ok. It didn’t look weird… My shoe was ruined, which was fár worse! My shoe!!! At the end of the afternoon, after driving back home, my foot started blowing up like a balloon, which made me decide to take a detour to the medical center’s ER to have it checked out afterall… I mean, it was going into the weekend… ‘n all… They X-rayed my foot and it turned out ok. The swelling has gone down in the mean time, though my foot is still hurting…

Yeah, so that was the story of some fucking asshole fucktard driving over my foot… Lemmejustsay… I never want to have that happen to me nor my foot again…

Oh and!!! ehm…. look!

• If you are going right at the traffic lights, get into the RIGHT lane… NOT first in the left lane only to block up traffic in there while you are desperately trying to squeeze your big ass car into the traffic jam in the right lane.. EVERY FUCKING MORNING!
• When overtaking a car in the left lane, make sure you can actually speed up enough to not block up the whole friggin highway… And then do NOT look angry at people passing you at the right, for Fuck’s Sake! They are doing that cuz your ass won’t speed up!
• Do not pass the whole traffic jam at the exit to the medical center and expect the car all in front, who actually HAS been waiting for a friggin half an hour to get off the exit and not been creeping past all the other cars, to let you cut in line… Suck it up!
• When arriving at the parking facility try actually driving to the entrance that you got in the lane for. That’ll be either the left one, the middle one, or the right one. Do NOT, when the lane you chose is taking too long, turn your car and smash it into one of the other lanes without lookin BEHIND you to see whether someone else is in that lane actually approaching the entrance!
• If you don’t know how to get up a ramp out of standing still without your car backing up into the car behind you, ever fucking floor of the parking facility, do NOT drive up the ramp until you can see the floor up there is clear and you can actually get up the ramp in one go!
• Driving ’round in the parking facility in the morning, when everyone is trying to get to the office in time, do NOT start a conversation with that fun colleague of yours that happens to pass your car while walking to the elevators. THERE is a whole fucking row of other medical center employees trying to get their car parked behind you!

Yah… That was my morning on the way to the office. Did I just vouch a few days ago to keep stress level to a minimum until my holiday starts? I mean, work with me people! I can’t achieve that if you keep pulling this shit every day! KTHNXBAI!

That full head of hair there in the sidebar? Gone… My scalp has parted with virtually all the hair on there this very morning… Why? Cuz on the way to the office this a.m. I was behind and/or next to one of those drivers with a so called “distorted car image”…

I drove off from the parking lot next to my appartment, which is smackdab in the middle of bulbfield country, just in enough time to be able to make it to the office… Hey! STFU! I was tired and it was hard getting up. It’s Monday, for God’s sake! And I had to cut and pack up the brownies that I had baked on Sunday to hand out around the office as a late B-day treat… That’s the kinda wonderful bitch I am to my colleagues… Ya know…

Aaaaanyway… Just half a km from my appartment there she slit in line and got in front of me: Distorted Car Image Bitch (DCIB). She didn’t seem that bad at the time, but she would soon show her true face… It happened when an agricultural vehicle drove up in front of her… We get that a lot in the town I live in. It’s bublfield country and season has just started so the bulb farmers are busy… However, they are also very “social drivers”… they realize that their vehicle is slow and whenever they can they will scoot up to the far right of the lane and let cars pass…

Now here is where the DCIB’s failure to realize what kinda car she is driving comes in. This syndrome, the Distorted Car Image, is frequently found in women driving the so called “stamps on wheels”. Nothing against those, I drive one myself… but then I am aware about the size of my car… and I drive accordingly…

This woman kept hanging behind the agricultural vehicle… while she could bloody well pass it… There was plenty of room to pass and here is where the syndrome comes in. The DCI sufferers apparently seem to think their car width is the size of a big ass truck! IT IS NOT! YOU ARE DRIVING A TINY TINY CAR AND THE VEHICLE IN FRONT OF YOU IS LEAVING PLENTY OF ROOM FOR AT LEAST  TWO OF YOURS TO PASS!!!

*catching breath*

Finally, finally, 10 minutes into the trip, she managed to work up the courage to pass the vehicle and we’re off again… Another 10 minutes later we reach the highway and as she is not picking up speed, I pass her and get on. She follows behind me. She then begins to pick up speed, moves into the left lane, passes me and then… to my total amazement, this woman, who apparently thought her car was to wide to pass the agricultural vehicle, has no clue that there is in fact several meters of car behind her from the part where she is sitting… and acts like the back of her car reaches only about as far as 2 inches behind her chair and CUTS ME OFF!!! after passing me. Then, after moving back into the left lane, she passes the car in front of me and CUTS HIM OFF TOO when moving back into the right lane… and I see her doing it again and again! GODDAMMIT BITCH! Try to grasp at least sóme of the concept that your car is far longer than it’s wide!!!

So I ask you, DCIB: Please! When u arrive at your place of business… Take some time to walk around your car. Hell, take measurements… Imprint it in your brain cuz next time thís bitch runs into you and you pull this shit again… HER stampsize car is gonna run you over in all ways possible…

Just so you know… Bitch!

…in Dutchyland… there was a man. He was probably in his early 40’s and his name was Tom, or maybe Dick or even Harry… He was a flash business man, not bad looking, pretty attractive in fact, good bod, wearing hot ass business suits every day to the office. This particular morning Tom, Dick or Harry was running a tad late. Nothing to be worried about. In a minute he would get into his brandnew big ass Mercedes, break some speed limits and arrive at the office in plenty of time to squeeze his hot new temp secretaries ass and then head over to the board room for his meeting…

He slurped up his last splash of morning coffee, turned to his wife (or it might have been his mistress), kissed her goodbye, walked out the door, got into his flashy Mercedes that was in the driveway sparkly clean, and drove off… His day had started with a great session of morning sex, a hot shower and a great espresso and he was ready to go.

After his usual 20 minute drive, or should we call it turbo boost flight, he arrived at the exit lane of the city where his office was situated. Fuck! A traffic jam, one that had become more rule than exception in the last few months. He looked at his watch, hidden under the sleeve of his expensive new shirt, and realized that this traffic jam was gonna rob him from the minutes he had gained in the past 20 minutes.

Instead of waiting for his turn getting into the line of traffic jammed cars at the start of the exit lane, he decided to drive his big ass car to the frónt of the exit lane. Afterall, all these sorry ass suckers waiting in line couldn’t possibly be in as much a hurry as he was. Look at the wankers! They obviously didn’t have anywhere important to be. They were just in line for no particular reason, for the cat’s cunt, as we say in Dutchyland. Their need to be somewhere at a certain time couldn’t póssibly be as high as his… So he drove up even further down the line until he was at the very very front and then commenced to intimidate the cars in the front of the line and squeeze his brandnew big ass Mercedes in front of the car next to him…

Guess who was driving that teenie weenie car that Tom, or Dick or Harry or whatever was trying to squeeze in front off?

Heh…

And guess what else?

H.E.L.L. N.O.!!!

That hot ass business man in his expensive business suit with his great bod and cute face, suddenly wasn’t as attractive anymore when he was busy having a tantrum in his car, accompanied by loud honking and vigorous use of both his middle fingers (keep the hands on the steering wheel at all times, babe)…

Aside from attracting the attention of a policecar that was driving by, it did nothing for him…