The Dutch Files

Dear… Um, no… Hello… anyone there? Summer?,

Yes, this is addressed to you. You, that to me are going into your last day… Yes, I know you are not officially over yet, but hey! Let’s face it, we can’t actually say that you seriously started at any point in time either, now, can we? I mean WTF were you thinking?!!

You should be deeply ashamed of yourself!!! Still daring to go by the name Summer. Pfffrrtttt! You call thís summer? WTF? I think I’ve seen more rain in June, July and August than e.v.e.r. before! And I don’t think I’ve seen this little sun before either… Yeah, so fuck you! Summer! You ruined it all: annual office outing, annual school outing, school sports day, summer vacation, weekends. Fuck Fuck Fuck YOU!

What the hell!?!? What? Did you guys think it was fun to change seats? And just for fuck’s sake you changed places with Fall? Yeah, I guess. And knowing my luck Fall will think the joke is up after this and take it’s rightful place in line again and ya know… you will be passed over completely…

Or were you too busy looking at compromizing pics of Winter and Spring and jerking off while doing so? Goddammit!!! I mean, ya know, everyone’s got his or her needs but can you please fucking do that in your own time? There’s no need to punish us for your whacked libido, huh?

You better shape up next year, cuz I am not sure Mother Nature is amused either. I mean, you are goddammit fucking up her whole schedule! She’s having to rush left and right to damage control your ass, and not just here, but all over the world! Yeah, you didn’t stop to think about thát, now did you? And to be honest, I don’t envy you here. I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of a scorned Mother Nature. I mean, she ís a woman, afterall.

So SUCK IT UP, shape up and get back to what you were hired to do: give us nice temperatures, and sun! Loads of SUN! Kick some ass and get it right next time, cuz ya know… by now your job is seriously on the line and you are out dah door if you don’t fucking get it right and do your thang in 2009.

Oh, and if you decide to kinda shuv Fall aside for a few weeks and well… give us some preview of what is to come next year… ya know, the good kind, the getting it right kind… Be my guest.

If not, get the FUCK out of my face… Cuz this year’s summer has just been craptastic! And my stilletto’s are not afraid to kick your ass either! I’ve gotten re-acquainted with my umbrella, my rainboots, my sweaters and shit like that waaaaay too well over the past months!!!

Furiously Yours,

DutchBitch

Yeah, made you look, huh?

Well, seriously… you missed a chance to see the Royal DutchBitch Boobs in real life though… in public… Granted, they were still packed in a bra, but it’s the closest anyone, well except for The Guy, is gonna get…

On Saturdaymorning, when I went over to the city center of Leiden to pick up my resized ring, I was kinda all over the place. I had hardly slept that night cuz of fucking up my blog server and spending hours to get The Dutch Files up and running again (STFU! I am nót one of those people that can tell herself “oh well”, go to sleep and decide to take a look at it the next day) and some other stuff going on.

Needless to say that my head was not screwed on the right way… Or rather, my sweater was on the wrong way… Yah… running some errands, I looked in a store window and I noticed a little white thingy sitting on the side of my sweater… I reached down to brush it off and to my demise it turned out to be the label! I was walking outside in public with my sweater inside out!!! Sheesh!

We got back to the car and I decided that I didn’t give a fuck who was out on the street, so I pulled off my sweater, turned it back the way it’s supposed to be and put it back on… Well, ok… so I cared a little bit, cuz I did it as fast as I could… I still think, judging from the smirks on their face, a few young students (how the hell, working at a university medical center, could I have forgotten it was Student Introduction Week!) may have witnessed the process… Oh well, my good deed of the day, I guess.

Knowing my luck one of them will surely be in the group of students starting training at the department on September 1…

We drove off, to park the car at the other end of the city for a last errand. I left The Kid in the car, while paying my parking, only to find… while standing at the machine… staring down at my boobs (what woman doesn’t at times stare down her own boobs, right? right?), that I was actually staring at the báck of my sweater… Sigh… I had now put it on the wrong way around!!!

Seriously! This shit does not happen to me… It just doesn’t…

So this time I did the switcharoo at the paid parking machine. No, I didn’t take it off this time. I just flipped my arms out of the sleeves, turned it and put it back on…There was a whole friggin herd of first year students right behind me! Give me a break! I might be crazy, but I am not stoopid!

It’s there… My 3 week summer break has started… and I have fallen into the deepest pit I could imagine… I am SO tired of it all… of e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. (well not eeeeverything, obviously, but everything work-related).. that I can’t think straight today…

Both my brain and body are having a hard time coming ’round to the idea of actually NOT having to go into the office for a few weeks… and actually not having to think of all the office stuff for a while… and not be in drive… Unfortunately they’re both still on “overload”…

That has never happened to me before… ever…

So I am going to take this day to try and relax… and have a good cry… and get my head around the vacation idea… because right now it is not working for me yet… I am still way too stressed and it needs to come out one way or another… Cuz I don’t want to spend the next weeks not being able to relax and crawl out of this pit…

No worries, I will be fine, I’ll get my head around it… I just need to take a day… Will be back tomorrow! I promise!

Yeah… I thought THAT title would get your attention. Ha! I know how your twisted minds work!

I was out with Jill from Doin’ It DutchieStyle for the afternoon yesterday in Utrecht. As I will be going on vacation to Schiermonnikoog end of next week and will be travelling to the US in September, I checked out my suitcase collection. It was nót a pretty sight… 2 of my suitcases have been mangled by the Italian airline that flew me and The Kid to Florence last summer and the 3rd and last suitcase had been broken into on my last trip to the UK the year before… Clearly I need to chuck them all out and get myself a new suitcase. I figured end of summer season those buggers’d be on sale here and there and I would check out some prizes.

Well, let me tell you first: however great they are, get those collections of Samsonite suitcases and trolleys outtahmahface! I am NOT paying for a brandname and those fuckers are just too expensive… However, it’s about the only thing they sell in Dutch stores. We roamed around a bit more in different stores until I found a stash of trolley suitcases that I liked. Especially as they had all kinds of flashy colors and I am SO fed up keeping a close watch to see which one of the tons of similar darkblue or black suitcases, that pass me by at airport bagage reclaim, is mine…

Jill and I walked up to the flashy colored trolley suitcases that were there. Exactly the right size, nice flashy color, nice prize… It seemed like the purrrrfect one to get… until…

My eyes noticed the brand of the suitcase, in big letters written on the top of the suitcase near the handlebar:

Errr… What Dah Fuck! “Swinger”???

There is NO WAY IN HELL that I am gonna roam the world’s airports dragging a suitcase behind my ass that says “Swinger” on there!

Hell to the Naw!!!

Scene: The Chief’s House - a few weeks ago

Situation: I was there, returning his 10 yr old son that had had a playdate with my son. The Chief just returned home himself from picking up one of his US colleagues, Prof from Vermont, that I’ve know myself for 6 yrs, to have dinner at his place. He came walking in with Lill Girlie who immediately jumped in my arms. She fiddles with my mobile while I chat with her dad and US Prof.

Detail: I had just shed the kilos that I had gained while feeling emotionally unstable in the weeks before.

Lill’ Girlie: “Is that your boyfriend?” *pointing at the picture on my mobile*
DutchBitch: “Hmm, yes… it is”
Lill’ Girlie: “He looks nice”
DutchBitch: “He IS nice”
Lill’ Girlie: “Do you love him and does he love you?”
DutchBitch: “I do, and yes, he does too”
Lill’ Girlie: “I like him”

* Lill’ Girlie jumps out of my arms cuz the US guest’s got presents and well, nothing goes above presents obviously, not even my hot ass cute sweet new boyfriend, I guess*

[Note to The Guy : obviously not to me, Hon. I would take you over presents a.n.y. day... not that I don't like present of course... *cough*]

* Lill’ Girlie comes walking back up to me*

Lill’ Girlie: “Do you have a baby in your belly?”
DutchBitch: “Ehm.. no… Why would you think so. Does it look like I do?”
[so much for losing the extra pounds, pfftt]
Lill’ Girlie: “No, but I just thought so”
DutchBitch: “Well, I don’t”
Lill’ Girlie: “I just thought you did”
DutchBitch: “Well, why would I have a baby in my belly?”
Lill’ Girlie: “Well, I just thought maybe from daddy”

* Cue The Chief choking in his beer and peanuts *

DutchBitch: “From your daddy!?!?!?! [insert maniacal laughter] Hell NO!”

* Cue The US Prof pissing his pants laughing and The Chief trying to decide whether he’s insulted or ok with my reply *

Lill’ Girlie: “But it would be so handy if you and daddy would be together cuz I could be with you all the time. Daddy could work and you could be here and then I could have a little sister or brother”
DutchBitch: “Well, let’s not go there, ok? Never gonna happen, Hon. I am in love with Rob, and not with your Dad, and that is the way it’s gonna stay. And I am sure your Dad will find a great girlfriend too someday”

* Lill’ Girlie pouts *

Lill’ Girlie: “Well, then… can I come over and stay over with you for a girlie weekend loads of times again?”
DutchBitch: “Yes, you can Hon, you can”
Lill’ Girlie: “Also when Rob is there? Cuz he looks nice”
DutchBitch: “Sure Hon, Sure, also sometime when Rob is here”

* Cue The Chief relaxing and continuing his beer drinking and peanut snacking *

Seemingly his 3 sons and mine didn’t notice any of the excitement going on… They were too busy checking out the WWF action figures that the US Prof brought with him… Pffttt! I guess The Hulkster wins hands down over any relationship- or babytalk…