The Dutch Files

As I was writing up this post, a similar story by Matt-Man appeared on his blog on Father’s Day… I was doubting whether to actually publish this, but I decided that I was going to.

There is a golden rule that most divorced couples abide by. Whatever happens, you do not badmouth the other parent in front of your child. You certainly don’t lose your shit in front of them while talking to the other parent…

I try really hard to abide by that rule but recently I lost my shit… Directed at The Ex… In front of The Kid…

You see, remember June 5? The day that we were supposed to get the results of all the cardiology tests that we went through with The Kid. That would be a week after I went through the last 2 test on that Wednesday that The Ex felt that joining his class on a field trip was more important than coming with us, but that aside. The Pediatrics Cardiologist was going to call us with the results. In my infinite wisdom I had decided that on the off chance that it would turn out that they had actually diagnosed an active Brugada syndrome in The Kid, it would be best for them to call The Ex instead of me. Cuz, seriously, The Ex is suffering from the syndrome himself and would have so many more questions about it than I could ever think off… So I called in The Ex mobile number at the cardiologist office and that was that. The Ex would call me after the phone call from the cardiologist.

The cardiologist is a shithead who doesn’t read his information… So on the day he called me, in the office, at 3 p.m. which was about an hour earlier than we had agreed he’d call. Because I know what they are like and they won’t call The Ex after explaining it all to me once, I rushed to tell him that we had agreed that he’d call The Ex, gave him the mobile number (”Oh yes, right, I see it now, it is actually in my information here”)… And he proceeded to call him…

I was anxious to hear the results but an hour after The Ex still had not called me… So I tried calling him but traditionally The Ex does not take any calls from my mobile or home number… I called his work, and they told me he had already left for the day… I called him at home… nothing… So I sent him a txt message to ask him to call me and inform me about the results…

FIVE hours later, at 8 p.m., bedtime for The Kid he STILL had not called me… So I sent him the kazillionth txt message (as he was still not picking up the phone) and sure enough, finally, half an hour later he replied in a txt message (in a friggin txt message!) saying: “Everything OK, I’ll give you the details on Tuesday”.

HELL TO THE NAW!!!

I first rushed over to The Kid’s bedroom to tell him that his worries are over for a while. That he came through the tests with flying colors and that we wouldn’t have to go back until next year. He was clearly relieved… Then I rushed a phonecall to The Mom and The Sis to let them know and then I tried calling The Ex again… He refused to call me back!

When I finally spoke to him on Tuesday when he traditionally comes round to bring The Kid home, and he asked me why the fuck I was “terrorizing” him on his mobile on Thursday…

I LOST MY FUCKING SHIT!

And yes, in front of The Kid… I made no mistake in making The Ex fully aware of the fact that:

• I KNEW at what time the cardiologist had called cuz the asshole had called me first by mistake

• I had been trying to contact him since an hour after that

• I think it is fucking rich to not answer any of my calls or txts as I never ever call or txt him about anything futile. When I do it is ALWAYS about The Kid and ALWAYS something that can’t be held off until we see eachother again.

• That a call from my mobile or home number could also be his VERY OWN SON calling

and most important of all

• That it was seriously nasty to hold out information like that from me, but fucking insanely insensitive to keep information like that from his own flesh and blood for FIVE hours!!! His son that is fully aware that he might be suffering from a potentially lethal illness…

Yeah, so I lost my shit right then and there, including raising my voice and shooting fire out of my eyes… I still feel awful about it. I’ve tried to explain to The Kid why I lost my shit, and he has assured me that he understands. I also told him that I really shouldn’t have, of which he said it was OK…

So Matt-Man, like I told you in your comments, I fully understand that it happened to you… Sometimes it happens… I let a lot of shit slide in an attempt to just keep the peace. Much more than most of my relatives and friends would want me to let slide… But it is important to me that The Kid sees his dad and is comfortable with him. But this… I just couldn’t let it slide… I just couldn’t…

• you come home craving something you were sure should be there and then to find out it has been gobbled up by someone else in the household?
• and they couldn’t even be bothered to clean up after themselves and left the empty wrapping in the cupboard?
• the person in front of you in traffic can’t make up his/her mind whether to stay in the right lane or move to the left? back… forth… back… forth…
• you feel like talking to someone and every application keeps informing you “none of your friends are online”?
• kids in the elevator push every button of every floor ,when you are in a fucking hurry to get to the office?
• parents of those kids don’t even blink when they do so?
• your upstairs neighbour decides that 2.30 a.m. is thé best time to practise his piano playing?
• young’un PhD students at the office think that 15 years of experience counts for nothing (sure, DON’T listen to me, see if I care when you fuck up)?
• the dog of the across the street neighbour decides to hump your leg, just when you are trying to get out of the car with your arms filled with office documents?
• the across the street neighbour tells you “he’s never done that before, ever”
• you need a serious meeting with your boss and all he can go on about is the Dutch national soccer team winning their first match against Italy?
• people making lists of what they hate?

OK I’ll stop now… Just needed to get this out of my system.

On the other hand. This made me smile. He was driving in front of me yesterday when I was on my way home from the office. The front had Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs on it… STFU! I was driving! I could hardly turn around and take a pic of the front, ok! Sheesh!

[click to enlarge]

I am guessing he’s (there was a “he” in there, I checked) not the butchest of Dutch truckers… But then I might be wrong. Maybe I should ask TrukinDog. He knows about that shit.

• So the Lather * Rinse * Repeat contest is a week on it’s way. I’ve had 15 entries come in so far [check the sticky post for your name if you have entered something. It seems some people have sent me entries that have gone lost in the GMail bermuda triangle... Re-enter if that is the case, I confirm every entry by email]. That’s not bad, obviously, but I have high hopes that you will all exceed my expectations in numbers ánd Lather * Rinse * Repeat interpretations! So enter enter enter!!! And don’t worry about your butts looking too big, puh-lease!

• The Kid remarked the other day: “Mom? Those Holter ECG wires were cool, weren’t they? Wouldn’t it have been cool if they had shortcircuited and I would’ve come out with reaaally cool superpowers?“… Err… I might have to put away his X-men dvd’s for a while…

• I’ve taken it upon myself to hack take care of Doin’ It DutchieStyle while Jill is moving to a new appartment with her sister and her kids and is out of internet connection for a few days. So you can read me there too.

• A big thank you to the bloggies who have already been pimping my contest and have managed to even drag new peeps over here to enter the contest! Obviously anyone who still wants to pimp it out is totally welcome *subtle hint*

• I got my period… WTF!? I take continuous oral contraceptives for medical reasons and I got my period… Great… after 1.5 years my body decided enough is enough and it was its turn now. So I got the period, and the matching PMS, and the cookiebinging… Fuck that! I my gynaecologist though, who replied within 10 min of me sending him an email late at night. There áre perks to working in a medical center afterall.

• It was brought to my attention that while in Oklahoma City for a meeting, The Chief roamed the Apple Store, but quickly got his ass out of there again cuz he was afraid he was gonna go gadget crazy. I am SO gonna rub my new iPod Touch in his face when Jill brings it over on June 24!!! It’ll probably be my one and only chance to do that e.v.a.h. I am not wasting that chance

• I was so happy that Dutchyland finally got Comedy Central on TV… I was less happy when I found out that would mean the kinda shit like broadcasting the Christmas 2006 episode in June 2008… again, and again, and again! Seriously! People! Us Dutchies would like some up to date funny TV! We cán handle that!

• My friggin mobile bill is skyrocketing. It’s my own fault, I know, it’s not like I don’t know why. I just hate it that I can get deals on sms-ing in Dutchyland, making calls in Dutchyland, making calls abroad, but nót on making calls and sms-ing outside of Europe! Fucking mobile carriers! Hate ‘m!

• Did you know I made it to the ranks of Parking Virtuoso in Parking Wars on Crackbook? I did… I am not sure why I am still playing… I guess I am just curious what comes after Virtuoso…

• You have not become my friend on Crackbook yet!? Why The Fuck Not?!?!? Get your ass over there and do it! DO IT!!! Gah…

• Oh, and did I tell you that my feet are peeling? I mean serious pieces of skin coming off my feet and toes… I’ve tried everything… Lotion, footbath, peeling… Nothing works… Not a pretty sight, huh Ethel?

• Why do I feel like Dirty Dancing lately? I just feel like doing it all the time… Either that or strutting my stuff thru the living room on the funky sounds of “You Can Leave Your Hat On“. What the Fuck is wrong with me?

• I won magnets on Friggy… errr… Froogy… err… Freakin’ Frakky Friday… or summin… on Karl’s blog! Yay! You should totally give it a shot when you pass by there next Friday. He might suddenly turn up to talk to you! You may have to wait until errr… sorta… 02.30 a.m…. like I did (well actually I woke up, couldn’t get back to sleep and decided to give it one more shot)

• I have no more useless shit to tell you, I think… So done with the bullets on this Tuesday… Don’t forget to visit my Bitch-O-Tha-Week, up there in the right sidebar Pimpin Quarters!

Dear Asshole Stairs Guy,

Next time you walk down the stairs behind me, those parking facility stairs, on an early office morning and feel “stuck” behind me… mumbling “%@!! fucking practical those are %@!! those fucking high heeled shoes %@!! don’t know why the hell women wear them anyway %@!! and then taking the fucking stairs %@!!”

Remember this:

• This IS a free country last time I checked
• Stop whining. I walk down stairs on heels as fast as the next person.
• You CAN in fact kick it up a notch and pass me on the left side of the staircase, plenty of room
• I take the stairs on my way down from the 9th floor cuz it’s about the only exercise I DO get on a typical day in the office: walking stairs
• I wear the fucking high heeled shoes cuz I like wearing them
• And guess what, if you would get your head out of your ass for a second you’d notice: I look fucking good in them!
• Which can’t be said for you who couldn’t even be bothered to neatly zip up yer pants
• Nor find a matching pair of socks
• Nor find a comb to run thru your hair
• You KNOW you love a woman wearing fucking high heeled shoes when it suits you
• and finally: Let’s see you do any better walking down shitty parking facility concrete stairs in 4-5 INCH HEELS!!! You’ll trip and fall flat on your shitface face

Yah! That’s it… Fuck off! Next time I will “let” you pass me on the stairs, happily, so I can plant my heels in your big fat asshole ass, just before I dropkick you down those stairs and walk allllll over you…

Status Report DutchyCon:

• 1 empty bottle of Glenfiddich
• 5 empty bottles of wine
• 1 empty bottle of vodka
• 1 half emtpy bottle of vodka
• 1 cracked Martini glass
• sleeping in every day
• bumming around
• a week of the greatest weather in Dutchyland
• The Guy writing the most romantic post ever on his blog
• tons of drinks and snacks outside Dutch café’s
• several “cracking” and “popping” limbs and ligaments on DutchBitch’s body
• The Guy meeting The Kid, who now thinks his Mom’s got an ultracool boyfriend
• a great hairdo, paid for by The Guy, who waited for 1.5 hr for me to get it
• no tattoo… yet (the tattoo guy was totally full of himself and could not fit me in until July, pfftt)
• visits to Amsterdam, The Hague, Haarlem, Scheveningen, and Zaanse Schans
• My Mom being put out of her misery of being the only one not having met The Guy
• the couch area looking like a bomb exploded out there, every morning
• the neighbours being witness to my blissfull moments in the bedroom
• one last full day together today of which we are going to enjoy e.v.e.r.y friggin second! We’re off to Eindhoven today to go see a Bløf concert tonight!

Short version status report DutchyCon:

• 1 week of total bliss