The Dutch Files

I am noticing something about my body as of late… past few months really… I mean, other than that it’s not tanned the way it should be at the end of summer, goddammit…

Seriously… I think I am falling apart… I think some bolts and screws inside are coming loose…

STFU! I am not joking. I am being completely serious here! My body might be falling apart while we speak and all you can do is laugh? I can see those tears squirting from your eyes, don’t think I don’t see it! Pffft!

Ok, get yourself together and listen to me. My bones are popping… and ya know… my limberability (that is SO a word!) is fading… I used to be able to do summersaults and backflips on the trampoline! Shit! Well, ok, granted, I was 13 at the time, but still. That is only umm… 25 years ago… I mean, WTF happened between now and then?

My knees are popping when I’ve sat down on the couch and get up. And I gotta tell ya, several people around me have suffered the consequences of can vouch for the fact that I absolutely positively háte other people popping their joints in front of me. Popping fingers, toes, whatever joint we are talking about. I hate it! And now, I have started popping myself. And I am not even trying to do so. It just happens, by itself, when I move…

And don’t even get me stárted on my hips! Holy Mother of God! They get stuck! STUCK! When I squat down on the floor or whatever and I have to get up (which in itself is not proving that easy anymore these days either, holy shit, I sound like an 80 year old), I move up, try to stand and then I can feel my hip is not right. Like it’s partly out of its socket or whatever… It doesn’t hurt, well not really, but ya know… it feels weird. And the only way to get it right it to kick out my leg attached to the corresponding hip until it pops back… Whew!!!

And can you even begin to imagine how annoying that is in certain *cough* sexual *cough* positions *cough*? And seriously, WTF is up with all those muscles cramping up during *cough* sex *cough* as a result of trying not to have my hip pop out of place? I mean, can’t I catch a fucking break?

If this is what you get for living healthy, getting pretty regular exercise (hey, even though I don’t do sports, I hike, I bike and I take the stairs every chance I get, and that’s good enough for me) and rest, well fuck my body! OK, maybe that’s was not meant to be addressed to all of you literally… But you get my drift…

*pop* *pop* *pop*

I think I need more sex… that’s the best form of exercise, right? Right? Yeah, more sex! Hon!!!?

OK, for once I am gonna do this. I’ve seen others do it and I am just too friggin curious to resist the urge to do it as well…

So here goes. This is addressed to you: the lurkin’ people… Cuz I know you are there! My stats are showing way more people reading this blog than commenting on it. Obviously commenting is not compulsory, in fact: not at all, and you might have your reasons for not commenting, which is fine…

I am just SO curious as to who you all are! So ehm… can you please come out of the woodworks, if only just once? Please? I am dying to get to know you!

I’m not a dangerous bitch… I don’t spit (well, sometimes when I speak but only when I am really passionate about something… sorta… thingy…), I don’t bite (really, I don’t! And if any of the regulars here show up with teethmark pics… I am denying everything), and I don’t really kick those stiletto heels into anyone… well, not unless they really piss me off or want me to…

And I’ll make it worth your while… The *bleep*th and the *bleep*th new commenters receive a small gift. A token of my appreciation. Yeah… like I am gonna tell you the numbers and have you all wait until the numbers come up and then rush over here to get it right! Pffrtttt… I am NOT stupid you know, even though I used to be a blonde. I have left the numbers with Mah Girl Jill and the person that makes that comment, I will contact and we’ll get the gift sent off to you. That also means: do nót forget to put your email address in the comments section!!!

Yeah, so, make my day, ok? I am off now for my first day at the office after summer break. I managed to stay away from the office email in the past weeks, so there will probably be a kazillion emails waiting for me, as well as tons of people at my desk ánd this week we need to finalize packing up the department as next week we’re moving the whole shit downstairs! Well, other people will as I will be elsewhere, heh, but anyway. This is gonna be the week from HELL! So all you lurkers (ánd regulars of course) leave me some luvin’ in the comments section?

Thanks! You rock!

Dear… Um, no… Hello… anyone there? Summer?,

Yes, this is addressed to you. You, that to me are going into your last day… Yes, I know you are not officially over yet, but hey! Let’s face it, we can’t actually say that you seriously started at any point in time either, now, can we? I mean WTF were you thinking?!!

You should be deeply ashamed of yourself!!! Still daring to go by the name Summer. Pfffrrtttt! You call thís summer? WTF? I think I’ve seen more rain in June, July and August than e.v.e.r. before! And I don’t think I’ve seen this little sun before either… Yeah, so fuck you! Summer! You ruined it all: annual office outing, annual school outing, school sports day, summer vacation, weekends. Fuck Fuck Fuck YOU!

What the hell!?!? What? Did you guys think it was fun to change seats? And just for fuck’s sake you changed places with Fall? Yeah, I guess. And knowing my luck Fall will think the joke is up after this and take it’s rightful place in line again and ya know… you will be passed over completely…

Or were you too busy looking at compromizing pics of Winter and Spring and jerking off while doing so? Goddammit!!! I mean, ya know, everyone’s got his or her needs but can you please fucking do that in your own time? There’s no need to punish us for your whacked libido, huh?

You better shape up next year, cuz I am not sure Mother Nature is amused either. I mean, you are goddammit fucking up her whole schedule! She’s having to rush left and right to damage control your ass, and not just here, but all over the world! Yeah, you didn’t stop to think about thát, now did you? And to be honest, I don’t envy you here. I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of a scorned Mother Nature. I mean, she ís a woman, afterall.

So SUCK IT UP, shape up and get back to what you were hired to do: give us nice temperatures, and sun! Loads of SUN! Kick some ass and get it right next time, cuz ya know… by now your job is seriously on the line and you are out dah door if you don’t fucking get it right and do your thang in 2009.

Oh, and if you decide to kinda shuv Fall aside for a few weeks and well… give us some preview of what is to come next year… ya know, the good kind, the getting it right kind… Be my guest.

If not, get the FUCK out of my face… Cuz this year’s summer has just been craptastic! And my stilletto’s are not afraid to kick your ass either! I’ve gotten re-acquainted with my umbrella, my rainboots, my sweaters and shit like that waaaaay too well over the past months!!!

Furiously Yours,

DutchBitch

I know, I know. You are used to seeing Dutch-A-Pimpin’ out here on Saturday. It’s been on hiatus over the summer but it will be back mid-September.

It hás to be mid-September as next week I will be coming live from Penelope’s place, where I’ll be visiting for a few days on my way to The Guy!!! And I am sure that will result in some blog fodder! I am hoping for loads of teary eye laughter, hilarious conversations and wine!!! Lots of wine! Uh, and maybe sóme food, but not necessarily… Wine is the name of the game.

So from Saturday September 13 Dutch-A-Pimpin’ will be back. There’s 2 blogs in line waiting to be pimped (Trust me, girls, though it has been a while, I have not forgotten about you) and I need new victims volunteers to fill the pimpin’ quarters after that.

So if you feel like having your blog pimped out in a Saturday post and have your blog thumbnail up there in my sidebar for a week, drop me a line! It’s a great way to get to know new people in the blogosphere and drive some new fresh traffic to your blog. Interested? Click the Dutch-A-Pimpin’ tab up there for some information. You can also click the Dutch-A-Pimpin’ category for an overview of past Dutch-A-Pimpin’ posts.

So, there. I promise, soon things at The Dutch Files will be back to normal. Well, as “normal” as they can be around here, anyway. This is the last weekend of my summer break and on Monday I’ll be back to the office and back to the grind… Though summer break has not been all that it’s cracked up to be this year, I am taking this opportunity to try and at least enjoy this last weekend… as much as possible with a throat infection coming on… Yeah, after shitty weather, tight money, fucked up Schiermonnikoog holiday, and friends in bad spots, that was about the only thing still missing about this summer break… pfffrrrttt!!!

Anyways. No use in sitting around and whining about it, it is what it is, and I’ll just enjoy some of the peace and quiet before we blast off into school- and working life again on Monday.

Have a good Saturday! Latah!